Yours truly, Joanna.

(this is inspired by That Girl Cynthia, which was inturn inspired by Hopedieslast which was inturn inspired by someone else. Feel free to be inspired by this)

Dear Work,

Why do you have to be such a pain? I really dislike you. You make my eyes boggle whenever I look at the screen. You turn my legs jelly whenever I have to hand it in to my boss. Because you make me LOOK BAD in front of my boss. This is why I don't think I'll get my yearly bonus.

There are no words to describe how much I really dislike you. In fact, I HATE YOU. The only days I ever look forward to is SUNDAY, because thats when I don't have to see your STINKING FACE.

I hate Mondays because I know you'll be there piled up waiting for me.

I hate you. Please please go away.

Please.

Yours hatefully,
Joanna

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Dear Roaches-who-live-in-my-room,

Why do you have to tickle me with your feelers every night? Do you know it's really annoying when you're trying to sleep and theres something in ears wiggling about?

What is it that you are finding in my ears that you cannot find in the corner of the rooms? I have not known that my ear 'gold' to be so popular.

Please let me know what you're searching for. So I can speed up the process by later on worshipping you with your long-searched-whatever, and then may you go away peacefully and never fly after me again.

I don't like you,
Joanna.

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Dear Bodyshop concealer stick no.4,

There are no words to express my thanks as to how much facial flaws you can conceal with your greatness. You are the true high-street brand that I can rely on without busting my purse to purchase. You never fail to give me a flawless perfection when topped of with M.A.C Studio Fix NC40.

Thank God men invented you.

I am truly blessed.

Amen.

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Dear Cynical side of me,

Please stop giving everyone the negative low-down they don't want to hear. Even though everyone knows what you say is true, it is however, very harsh and painful. Please for the sake of everyone, don't unleash your brutal honesty upon the world to an extent that even the rock needs to do some soul-searching.

It is sad that you have quietly creeped into my life and now I have blatantly pessimised myself into depression. But please try to restrain yourself only in my arena and not into other peoples' life. You do not need to be that nosey.

You need some positive management classes.

Yours ernestly,
Joanna.

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Dear Nosey part of me,

Why do you have to be so nosey? Why do you have to poke your nose into everyones business and know everything that is going on? Is it just an in-built woman infrastructure that can not be demolished? Why can't you be like men and mind your own business?

Why do you have to have your feet in everything?

My conscience is telling me to tell you that if you don't do something about your incessant inquisiveness, it's going to beat the shit out of you.

Like, cerealsly.

Your friend,
Aunty Jo.

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Dear 2008,

This has been a fucking bad year for me.

You taught me what it is like to leave someone at the airport. You taught me that perhaps true love doesn't exist. You taught me that people can be such fucking cuntspricks and yet they can get away with it. You taught me that there is no such thing as good karma for good people. Bad people still get rewarded anyway. You gave me depression.

Our relationship with each other is negligible this past year. You have given me total bullshit to deal with.

As much as I love counting my blessings that I have had this year, I cannot wait to embark on a fresh page, fresh start. I broke up with him last year, I will break up with you this year. In 1 day's time. Then we no longer know each other. I will write off this year as a mistake and I will carry on with my life, chin up.

Thank you for teaching me to grow up.

Matured,
Joanna.

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My dear guitar, Antonio Burrito,

Thank you so much for being there for me this year. You are really a godsent gift to me from Felipe.

Thank you for making lovely music with me when I'm bored. Even though I still cant play any other chords besides Cmajor, Dmajor, E, A and G, because my fingers are too short and stumpy, I find it extremely pleasing that I still can sing strum and play along with the music.

Thank you for making me a cooler person just by bringing you around.

I am now a certified true hippy.

Yours forever,
Joanna

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Dear electrical mosquitoe repellent,

There have been several times when you have gone MIA and nights were terrible without you. The damn mosquitoes refused to leave me alone. Now you're brand new, no funky smell like the coil thingy,no smoke, and you'er non-toxic, mosquitoes finally leave me alone at night.

I don't have to hear them buzzing past my ears anymore now.

Thank you.

Your biggest fan,
Joanna.

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Dear Rum,

You know I have a love hate relationship with you. But I really cannot be in a relationship with you anymore. Because of you I have dodgy videos up on youtube taken by sleazy men at clubs I do not even know. Of course these videos are nothing else but embarrassing. I am there sitting on the couch in a club, nodding my head AND HAND away like I'm stoned.

So please, rum, if you really love me, you know what to do.

Let's break up,
Joanna.

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Dear trust,

I know how much you have been betrayed by those closest to you and those who have promised to be there for you forever. Please do not punish the new people who are trying to love you and trying to give you the best they can.

I know that you are there for my best interests, to protect me from everyone who is out to harm me. But perhaps there is someone out there who is sincere and genuine towards me? No? Are you completely sure? Then I'll listen to you trust, because you're part of me and there is no other way I can get rid of you. But if you're wrong, trust, I WILL KICK YOUR ASS.

All suspicious and cynical,
Joanna.

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Dear Fats,

As much as I adore you and your presence around me, recently I have noted a slight deposition of your greatness around my upper torso. This is neither adorable nor endearing and I find it an urge to voice out my worries to you to kindly please relocate yourselves onto my bum.

Those fellas down there are kinda starving for companionship and fullness.

Please go somewhere else my dear Fats.

There are greener pastures on the other side.

Your little fatty,
Joanna.

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Dear blogspot,

Thank you so much for helping me kill time while I'm supposedly busy at work. Thank you for giving me an arena to express my creativity in writing nonsense. Thank you for providing me a forum where I can pollute innocent minds with my nonsensical rubbish.

Most of all, thank you for giving me the inspiration not to deteriorate into a vegetable.

Your biggest supporter,
Joanna

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Dear Joanna,

I must tell you time and again to hang your towel up when its wet. Please stop buying shoes as there is literally NO MORE SPACE for you to put it in your house. You have already over a 100 pairs of heels. Please reserve some self control. Please also do something about your bags. You have TOO many of them, it's starting to spill out of your wardrobe. And listen woman, You have only one pair of ears. YOU DO NOT NEED SO MANY EARRINGS, although the 3 for RM10 buys are tempting. Remember to do your hydration masks frequently because your face is in dire need of water. Please drink enough water as I think your pee is getting yellower and yellower.

Be kind to your dog Rose, and do not sayang her with only your feet. Do not pat her head too hard as well even though she seems to like it. You might displace her brains. Try not to be a road rage and curb your enthusiasm on criticising bad drivers into a pulp of rubbish. Be kind to your eyes. Don't rub them as if you are scratching the coin on the lottery ticket.

Save money. Recession is near. You should start selling things in your wardrobe. You do not need so many clutches or perfumes. Remember to put lipstick everytime you go to work or your mother will kill you.

Most of all, try to stay happy and FUCK THOSE who thinks they know better about you than you. Be nice to CT. Do more exercise.

Oh yeah, it's time to start painting again.

Always here for you,
Joanna.

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