Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Me and WK were just talking, why people like us (educated professionals) are cursed to live the rest of our lives alone and with our 9 cats.
We just realise that men don't like ladies who are higher qualified than them. Its like they have this inferiority complex that holds them back from being with the girl they want.
Is it pure ego or is it because they just prefer simpler ladies? But we're simple too ok? Just cause we study till our ears grow long and we have more graduation photos than you do doesn't mean jackshit. Doesn't mean we're going to go against you when you marry us, or bully you into the soft-husband situation.
Perhaps men have this thinking that if we study more than him, we will be more likely to take over and reign his life rather than him do it, and ultimately we'll run the family and he'll play the second lead.
I have seen many circumstances in whereby the wife earns more money than the husband, he starts to get jealous and demands the wife to pay for EVERYTHING, just cause she earns more. There was one instance that when the wife struck lottery, he demanded a share of it, just cause so! It's like we owe it the men something just because we're doing better in our lives and earning more big bucks? How ridiculous is that?
Perhaps the cave-men like attitude still exist in our modern day men. They go out and kill the food (metaphorically speaking), and we stay at home and clean. It is just not right that we go out and work and earn more than them. But these days, it is inevitable that the female counterpart of the family has to work, because the males are just unable to take care of the family single-handedly. I'm not trying to belittle and demean them by saying this, sometimes its just life that you can't make it like the big shots do. So what do we female roles play? Of course we have to work to support the family. Thats how the cookie crumbles....
I also find the trend in professionals. Engineers, lawyers, doctors and architects. The higher your education and more professional you are, the less tendency you'll find a wife of the same background as you. Why? I really don't understand? Does it mean the more educated you are, the higher your ego? I really don't know. It is still open for discussion.
I must however say, this only reflects the Asian society. Where men and women will NEVER be equals. I personally don't support equality among men and women either. Men will always be the stronger party. Women should take the hint and let them do all the work!!!!
Most women of course like to be 'tai tai's or rich ladies that just sit around and play mahjong all day, however, there are a group of ladies who prefer to work and prove the men wrong that they too can earn a better living!
I can most understand why if I would remain on the shelf past my expiry date. Men seem to just cower away once they hear you're a lawyer. It's just ridiculous. We AREN'T going to eat you, you know. It's just a job. We won't bring it home and argue till your balls come off.
This is why I love you :
1) Even though I scared the living daylights out of you on the first day you met me (by me glaring at you), you still came up to me and be-ed my friend :D
2) You gave me my first birthday present in Inti even though we hardly knew each other.
3) You would clean my room while I sleep half naked (I know, I'm terrible).
4) You'd never judge me, no matter how wrong I was.
5) You'll always cook lovely foods for me.
6) You treated me like I was one of your own.
7) You always had an explanation whenever I was so upset, you never failed to cheer me up with logical reasonings.
8) You made me my favourite Banana flavoured birthday cake.
9) You took so much effort to sketch out a portrait of me for my birthday.
10) You have an obsession for cleaning and packing my room.
11) You will always let me go first.
12) We NEVER fight. Or disagree.
13) You're the only one who wants to be with me when no one wants to marry me.
14) You love Kitties as much as I do.
15) You took care of me when I was so drunk at Val's 21st.
16) We love all the same things.
17) Sleep overs with you are never stressful.
18) You are willing to give me the future that no man can (I'm starting to sound off, don't I?)
19) You're so humble even though you're ridiculously loaded.
20) You have the kindest heart ever. If I were a guy, I'd never leave you :)
So I'm known for my laziest pasta known to men - Ketchup and pasta, along with frozen veg,
may I present to you another version of the laziest pasta known to men:
Tuna, Corn and Onion.
And oh, Mayo.
Back when I was in England, I used to have an addiction.
Sorry, I still have that addiction now.
It resulted in my poor management of finances, and many a time I was usually poor and broke.
It wasn't drugs, gambling or alcohol.
It was -
I used to buy dresses, jewlry, bags and shoes.
Yes yes, any man who marries me will seriously have to control me.
Anyways, when I was poor, I used to eat this.
At Morrisons, Pasta a packet was like, 40p.
Mayo was like 30p
Tuna a can was like 20p
Onions, 80p for a bag.
2quid for 3 -4 meals.
How cheap is that?
Of course they were all Morrisons made. That's how you save money.
So, its like ROJAK.
You mix everything together lah.
You can have this pasta hot or cold.
It's best served with chips (aka potato chips, not french fries as the English would refer to)
It's pretty cheap back here as well.
So any time you're poor, try this recipe out.
And you can keep it for a few days refrigerated if you use a packet of Pasta cos you'll never finish it alone anyway!!!!!
Monday, April 27, 2009
I am a big fan of Ghost Whisperer as you'll realise by now.
BUT WHY DO THEY HAVE TO KILL OFF JIM CLANCY?
I cried my eyes out when Melinda had to let him go and when he died.
It was horrible.
I can't imagine having my husband die on me.
Unless he's a dick then its a totally different story.
My eyes were so puffy for like 2 hrs.
And did I tell you that I kept crying for 20 mins cos the show was that tragic for so long?!?!!?!?
Jim Clancy was so perfect. I hate the producers for killing him.
I know he comes back again but losses all his memory as Jim Clancy.
So what's the freaking point!??!??!
Sunday, April 26, 2009
So I went to Singapore to stay with my Aunt for a night.
All we did was ate, shopped and ate.
Geez, first it was buffet at Orchard Hotel then Dimsum Buffet at Mandarin Hotel.
Boy, am I stuffed.
It was really good fun tho.
Bought 5 working skirts today and spent a bomb at Marks & Spencers on 2 tops!
SO BROKE MAN.
Then I bought Bobbi Brown make up as well.
Can you imagine how poor I am now?!?!!?!?
Anyways, we went to Marina Barrage (a place where Singapore makes their drinking water through the process of desalination) and we saw the view of the Singapore Flyer or commonly known as the Singapore Eye as every other country has one.
It was a majestic view. The Marina Barrage was packed with people. It does seem that Singaporeans have nothing to do but to visit a water dam on a saturday night. It's ok if they're tourists tho. But it's a good place to relax and just do nothing and enjoy the view.
But wait till the Casino opens opposite the Barrage. Everyone would be swarming there. I heard that you'd have to put a S$500 deposit !! I also heard they'd be demolishing the bridge as it would block the Casino Hotel view of the Sea and then building an underground tunnel through the river and vehicles would be able to cross it underwater. Sounds like the one from London to Paris. Gonna be shit dangerous if anything collapses or if theres an accident that occurs in there and evereyone dies from the explosion.
I'm a tad pessimistic arn't I?
My aunt is such a lovely person to bring me sightseeing and then eating loads of amazing food and then shopping.
Plus someone someone has bought me an iphone too.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
Oh yes, the fork. What would we do without this invention?
This has become a daily essential household item that we can't do without.
Besides using it for our food, I have discovered several other uses for this useful utensil.
1) Scratch that itch. You can estimate the amount of pressure to exert to scratch out that itch.
It's definite and its hard.
If it itches, it shall be scratched.
Same goes for balls you guys have.
Or mosquitoes bites.
2) Give it to a farm mouse to use as a rake.
3) Use it as a hair accessorie to keep your hair up. Then when you're hungry, you can take it out and eat your food, then clean it with the serviette then tie your hair back up with it.
4) Use it as a weapon or a deterrent at the dinner table to stop itchy hands from touching food they shouldn't.
Stab the hands that take things that don't belong to them.
5) Use it as a comb. Works well with tangles. Like Ariel the Mermaid.
6) Scratch it on the walls to create screechy noises to irritate the hell out of everyone.
7) Use it for fencing. Instead of fencing, it shall hence be named 'forking'. Same effect.
8) Poke your dog to make him get out of the seat you want to be in.
9) Suicide - gouging your eyes out till you bleed to death.
10) Safety weapon - poke that bastard to death when he tries to do anything funny to you.
Ok, don't try following it. But even if you do, you didn't read it from here.
Disclaimer: If you die and it has been tracked back to me, I so didn't tell you how to kill yourself.
Ok, deal? It was all SCOTT CHRISTENSEN who came up with all these cool crazy ideas!!!!!!
Here are a couple of great ways to kill yourself by jumping off a tall building, or cliff, or basically anything really high. The thing about these is that they generally work best if you can get a big crowd watching before you jump. Don't do it when there is no one around. There's just no bloody point in that.
Explosives Strapped to Your Body
Difficulty level: 7
- Get a LOT of explosives. The more the better.
- Hook up a detonator to an altimeter. Set it for 100-200 feet. That will give you good dispersion.
- Mix vaseline and gasoline in a bucket.
- Find a really tall building. Something like the World Trade Center (not anymore, but you get the idea smarty pants) is perfect and is in a sufficiently crowded area to generate the proper sized crowd.
- Get an extra large trench coat, ski mask, duct tape and a very reliable wind-proof lighter. Torch lighters are best.
- Bring your materials to the top of your building. Liberally apply the vaseline-gasoline mixture to your entire body. Duct tape the explosives around your legs, arms, head and torso. The more explosives you use, the better. Attach the altimeter to the explosives.
- Put on the trench coat and mask so that the explosives are not visible.
- Start ranting and throwing things so that you are sure to attract notice. Drag this part out as long as possible. Say anything that comes to mind but try to stay away from real problems. Your love life does not make for a good sound bite, something about trees telling you to kill yourself works good. Ask for news cameras from the major networks, so you can warn them of the coming tree invasion. Pace around while waving your arms and pointing a lot. If there are trees around, point at them.
- DO NOT let on that you have explosives on your body. The police will clear the area and you definitely don't want that.
- When you've gotten the crowd to a fevered pitch, when the helicopters are hovering like vultures, whip off the jacket and set yourself on fire.
- Wait until you are completely engulfed in flame then jump.
- Try to steer yourself towards the people in the crowd who are chanting 'jump, jump, jump'. That way flaming falling body parts will pelt them when you explode. If you used enough explosives, everyone within seeing distance will have a piece of you.
- Congratulations! You've just made history. I bet it feels good just thinking about it. But don't cheer up, there are plenty of other ways to do the deed.
Falling through Chain Saws
Difficulty level: 10
This is much more difficult to pull off. Instead of explosives, the money shot is you falling though three or four operating chain saws. You do not need as high a building for this --- anything above three stories will do. Remember to use the vaseline-gasoline mixture. That's the ingredient that adds pizzazz.
Bullet in Your Head
Difficulty level: 1
HAMMER a bullet into your skull. Make sure there is an empty gun nearby but do not fire it (a gun that has never been fired works best in this situation). Bash the bullet into your frontal lobe. It doesn't matter how you get it done it will perplex the authorities for years and you will, most assuredly, be a hot news topic. You'll probably even make it on MythBusters. Hell, you want fame in death to rival the obscurity you had in life don't you?
Death by Hairball
Difficulty level: 3
Get a cat or a dog and brush it every day. Save the hair until you have a giant hairball. Plug up your nose then shove the hairball into your mouth.
Leave a cryptic note about how you believe little Fluffy or Rover was planning to kill you in your sleep.
Difficulty level: 11
Find a sausage making company that has a giant meat grinder. Set up a hidden video camera to tape your death. Leave a will with explicit instructions that it not be read until one year after the night of your grinding. In it, detail the way you died and the location of the hidden camera.
Sneak in at night naked and turn on the video camera. Climb into the grinder and take massive amounts of pills of your choice. Make sure it is enough to kill you.
In the morning you will be ground up and made into sausages. One year later your will, will be read to the news media and people all around the nation will vomit simultaneously.
Drown in Your Own Urine
Difficulty level: 8
Get a huge vat or possibly an above ground pool. Save all your urine. Drown yourself in it. Put a note on the side of the pool saying, "MY URINE."
This method would work for any body fluid: vomit, snot, dooty. For you despondent guys out there: A vat of your own sperm would be truly impressive. You will have to get some viagra and work frantically for years, but what else have you got to do?
Pop into alt.binaries.erotica.bestiality, get the vibrator out and get crackin'. Remember, do something really weird and original, something that will tell them you are/were special.
Make a Political Statement
Difficulty level: 5
The abundance of media outlets these days has afforded a nearly infinite number of ways to relay your message of doom and despair while consequently minimizing the impact. No longer can you be assured a sizable audience for the ranting and pontificating that so often accompany political/ecological/religious movements.
"Oh, whatever can I do?!" you may be wailing. "The world is coming to an end. Death and despair loom on the horizon. [Insert your hated adversary's name here] is the embodiment of evil. He/she/they/it is/are/will be the antichrist/destruction of us all/black death come to haunt us/etc."
"How can I get my cause the attention it deserves?" you ask. The answer is simple: A futile pointless violent act displayed to millions on the evening news.
Chop Your Own Head Off While Standing Next to a Major World Leader
- Ingratiate yourself with your chosen mark. Get his/her/its confidence. Become a trusted member of the inner circle.
- Sew a hand ax into a coat or jacket so that it is easily removable but not particularly visible.
- Make a statement. Video tape is preferable because the TV news shows love visuals. The more visual material they have the better. The next best thing would be audio tape. It won't hold an audience as well but at least it can be played under the video of your death. Never write a letter. No one reads anymore. No one will care. Make sure your message will be easily found on your corpse.
- On the day of a major rally, with hundreds or thousands of attendees and lots of television cameras, wear the coat with the hand ax attached.
- Send backup copies of your message to as many news outlets as you can on the appointed day.
- Stand in the background as you remove the ax from the coat. When you are finished move slowly toward your dignitary.
- As the event reaches its climax, whip out the ax and lop off your own head. If possible try to run around like a chicken. Make sure to get as much blood on the famous person as possible. Aim well. That will be the image that gets the news coverage.
- Bask in your glorious death. You've made the supreme sacrifice to save the world and have ended the torment that was your existence.
Sometimes you need help. Sometimes it takes a committee. Some of the many ways of suicide are just too complicated to do alone. These are perfectly valid routes to bliss and will not taint, in any way, your death.
Death by Seinfeld
Difficulty level: 9
Find a strong burly friend that will help you. Then find Jerry Seinfeld. Have your strong burly friend pick up Seinfeld and beat you to death with him.
Later Jerry will make a tv show out of it or maybe it will just end up in his act. "So I said, Hey! Who are these people that pick up other people and beat other people to death with them?"
Plug 'Em Up
Difficulty level: -1
Get a lot of ten-ton epoxy to seal any and all body openings. Wait a while. Explode.
This method contributed by Scott Disanno
A Pun Death
Difficulty level: 3
Take five large steaks. Rub them all over your body and stuff what remains into every pocket and orifice you can find. Tape at least one steak inside your clothing directly to your body. Find one large hungry grizzly bear. Taunt it till it comes to a full boil, attacks, and kills you.
Dying this way, at the paws of a grizzly bear, will allow the tabloid newspapers and daily tv news shows to use the headline "Grizzly Death!" repeatedly.
Intest You Intest Me
Difficulty level: 4
Sometimes you want to do something violent and bloody but you just don't have the wherewithal to assemble a cache of assault weapons. This method is simple and convenient for those on limited budgets.
- Make a small incision in your stomach.
- Pull out your intestines.
- Hang yourself with the intestines.
- A cryptic note about aliens might be a nice touch.
End the Holiday Madness
Difficulty level: 6
Anyone with half a brain hates the Thanksgiving to Christmas season. There is too much family. Too many happy annoying people demanding things from you. Too much forced joy specials on television. And WAY too many repetitions of songs you've been listening to since childhood.
The only way to escape this recurring nightmare is to:
- If you have any investments, convert them to money. Take all your money and lose it playing online poker. This is especially important if you are well off. Don't tell family members and other greedy people that would profit from your demise. After you die, they will go crazy trying to find the missing money. They may even kill each other. This will bring you satisfaction, maybe even some companionship, in hell.
- Now, stick your head in the turkey just after it comes out of the oven, preferably during the Christmas DayTM family gathering but a Thanksgiving DayTM end may also serve your purposes. Your timing really depends on your own peculiar circumstances.
- Run around banging into family members all the while flailing your arms and yelling obscenities. You can never go wrong flailing your arms when trying to kill yourself. The more flailing the better.
- Go into a room that can be easily locked so you won't be accidently saved by well meaning but inconsiderate friends or family members.
[Alternatively you can just flee the house and run through the streets aimlessly until you pass out. NO ONE in a large city will ever go near someone with a steaming turkey on his head. If you live in a wooded or rural area the best thing to do would be to run off into the wilderness so your body can be found with all sorts of gnaw marks on it from the multitude of animals that will flock to your decaying carcass (and the turkey's too).]
- An interesting footnote to this holiday might be to swallow a large number of Christmas ornaments (lights, small Santa dolls, actual fruit cake) before you follow your bliss. Give your family and friends (if you have either) something to discuss the following year.
It is of course of utmost importance that a woman keeps her foo foo clean and tidy and of course the brazilian wax was the best option. It is clean, safe and quick.
As compared to shaving, you are less prone to knicks and cuts which hurts a shit load (trust me) and home brazilian waxes means you don't have someone else looking at your foo foo, and plus they are much neater than having the fear of shaving too close incase you shave off your whole clit (yes I've heard of that horror story), plus it grows back much smoother than shaving (I once scratched off my whole genital area because of new hair growing out).
Ok. Waxing isn't the best feeling on earth trust me. Especially having to wax down there. I thought I was being a hero to save big bucks by doing it. But really, I did save big bucks, and also scared alll my housemates (who were unfortunately males) to death by me screaming every time I pulled off the wax cloth.
In the end, my pretty panties were stained with blood spots from the follicles that were pulled off. It was hilarious when my nextdoor roomate, Shean said he thought I was dying in the room in the middle of the night (yes, I was bored).
All in all, I had a really clean foo foo for about a month and I had no complains (from anyone). It's not nice right, like you go shopping with your girl friends and you go into changing rooms to change together just to find the horror of horrors that your besties pubic hair is stealthily peeking out of her lacey panties. FUCK ME! (Not that I've ever encountered this before *rolls eyes*).
It's good especially if you're with someone and we all know guys have a thing for clean foo foos as badly influenced by porn.
So this is how you give yourself a home brazilian wax.
The first step would be to make a long warm shower washing and cleaning your pubic area.
Then, trim down your pubic hair with scissors or with a shaver till it will have a length of a quarter inch.
Use a hard wax (A low temperature one) for a less painful process. Smooth the wax with a pre-waxing oil before applying it over your hair. This oil keeps it from sticking to the skin, and allows the wax to be used without strips, making for a much more comfortable experience. As the wax cools, it basically shrink-wraps each hair and pulls it out from the root.
You may remove some stubborn hair with a set of tweezers.
Use a big mirror and move into any position you think will be more comfortable to put your legs up, on the sides or even over your head. If you feel the pain is unbearable stop until you feel you are ready to go on. The trick is once you pull the strips off, immediately place your hands on the area affected as the heat/cold from your hand will lessen the pain.
Once you are finished with the waxing process and you are happy with your brazilian bikini wax, you should apply a soothing lotion on your bikini area.
So have fun, but if you're having too much pains, then I do recommend that you shave. But be extra careful please!!!!
Today, I will write on the female G spot and achieving an orgasm.
As much as I want to believe that all women are able to squirt like porn stars to impress our men, it is virtually impossible to try ejaculating like a water hose. It is just insane.
Therefore I have ruled out the possibility of normal women like us (pornstars will be referred to as superheroes from now onwards) to be able to squirt like a litre of cumjuice.
Ok. So I'm no prude. Basically 3/4s of you who read these aren't, so don't judge!
First of first, does any one know what an orgasm is?
I have a friend who once told me, that he gave cunninglingus (aka oral sex) to his ex who didn't know what an orgasm was. So that poor dude had to lick and lick till his tongue nearly came off, and she still had no intense feeling. So it's either that he was really bad at licking, or either that she doesnt know shit about anything. But since he's my friend, I'm giving him the benefit of doubt.
Ok, so an orgasm is an overwhelming feeling that makes you scream out and your whole body will shiver and tremble with delight. Now you guys will understand how bad I am explaining things. But bear with me.
Anyway, a woman's G spot is, I quote,
"The G-spot is located about 1.5 to 3 inches inside the vagina on the upper wall. When aroused it's about the size of a walnut, usually a bit longer than it is wide. The position of the G-spot makes it impossible for most women to get a finger to it, but a partner should be able to feel it by inserting one or two fingers into the vagina after she is aroused.
The palm of the hand should be up if the woman is on her back, and down if she is on her front; initially finding the spot may be easier if the woman lies on her front. The partner should be able to feel the G-spot with their fingers as a small lump in the vaginal wall. The G-Spot will feel somewhat bumpy and not as smooth as other areas of the vaginal wall."
So technically, the lady has to lie on her back while the guy jams up 1 or 2 of his fingers upwards and start tickling the shit out of it. Then lick while doing it.
That should do the trick. But remember to tickle with care. Do not by any means go too rough and injure the tender vaginal tissues which might lead to infections from the nails of the man (or woman if you're a lesbian).
Guys (or girls) remember to take note of your partners breathing because as the breathing quickens, do not change the way you do your thang (applies to both guys and ladies). Because if you do so, you'll interrupt the flow of the orgasm and you might lose it in the midst of trying to impress the girl with your many colourful moves. Then you can forget about sex totally if you, unfortunately, make the lady lose her orgasm. You have been warned.
After years of experience, both second and first hand, there is no way anyone can squirt at the speed of 200km/hr. That is just pure bollocks. You might dribble slightly, but not gush.
So guys, sorry to burst your bubble that (normal) girls squirt (if you're into that).
So hey, go forth and have fun.
Nothing beats a good orgasm!
(Maybe except fried chicken!)
1. The average cucumber is at least 6 inches long.
2. Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
3. Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
4. Cucumbers don't get too excited.
5. Cucumbers never suffer from performance anxiety.
6. Cucumbers are easy to pick up.
7. You can fondle a cucumber in a supermarket.... and you know how firm it is before you take it home.
8. Cucumbers can get away any weekend.
9. With a cucumber you can get a single room.... and you won't have to check-in as Mrs. Cucumber.
10. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
11. You can go to a movie with a cucumber.... and see the movie.
12. You can go to a drive-in with a cucumber.... and you can stay in the front seat.
13. With a cucumber you can always wait until you get home.
14. A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn.... or send you out for Milk Duds.
15. A cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival.
16. A cucumber won't ask: "Am I the first?".
17. A cucumber doesn't care if you're a virgin.
18. Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin.
19. Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin anymore.
20. With a cucumber you don't have to be a virgin more than once.
21. Cucumbers can handle rejection.
22. Cucumbers won't pout if you have a headache.
23. Cucumbers won't care what time of the month it is.
24. Cucumbers never want to get it on when your nails are wet.
25. Cucumbers won't give it up for Lent.
26. With a cucumber you never have to say you're sorry.
27. Afterwards, a cucumber won't: ...want to shake hands and be friends.
28. ...say, "I'll call you a cab".
29. ...tell you he's not the marrying kind.
30. ...tell you he is the marrying kind.
31. ...call his ex-wife or therapist.
32. ...take you to confession.
33. Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month.
34. Cucumbers won't make you go to the drugstore.
35. Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them.
36. A cucumber a day keeps the OB-GYN away.
37. A cucumber won't work your crossword with ink.
38. A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat.
39. With a cucumber you don't have to play Florence Nightingale during the Flu season.
40. Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car.
41. A cucumber won't eat all your food or drink all your liquor.
42. A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library.
43. A cucumber won't go through your medicine chest.
44. A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray.
45. Cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub.
46. Cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall.
47. Cucumbers don't have sex hangups.
48. Cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed with your boots on.
49. Cucumbers aren't into rope & leather, talking dirty, or swinging with fruits & nuts.
50. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.
51. You can eat cucumbers when you feel like it.
52. Cucumbers never need a round of applause.
53. Cucumbers won't ask: "Am I the best? How was it? Did you come? How many times?"
54. Cucumbers aren't jealous of your Gynecologist, Ski Instructor, or Hair Dresser.
55. A cucumber won't want to join your sports group.
56. A cucumber never wants to improve your mind.
57. Cucumbers aren't into meaningful conversations.
58. Cucumbers won't ask about your Last Lover.... or speculate about your next one.
59. A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator.
60. A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother is over.
61. No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh cucumber.
62. Cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow.
63. A cucumber won't give you a hickey.
64. Cucumbers can stay up ALL night.... and you won't have to sleep on the wet spot.
65. Cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor.
66. A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.
67. A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower.
68. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
69. Cucumbers don't compare you to a center fold.
70. Cucumbers don't count to 10.
71. Cucumbers don't tell you they liked you better with long hair.
72. A cucumber will never leave you ... ...for another woman.
73. ...for another man.
74. ...for another cucumber.
75. A cucumber will never call and say "I have to work late, Honey", and then come home smelling like another woman.
76. A cucumber never snaps your bra, pinches your butt, or gives you a snuggy.
77. You always know where a cucumber has been.
78. A cucumber never has to call "the wife".
79. Cucumbers never have mid-life crises.
80. A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
81. Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
82. You won't find out later that your cucumber ... ...is married.
83. ...is on penicillin.
84. ...likes you - but loves your brother.
85. A cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move.
86. Cucumbers never tell you what they did on R&R.
87. A cucumber won't ask for a promotion just when you're up for a promotion.
88. Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
89. Cucumbers won't wear a leisure suit to your office Christmas party.
90. A cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve.
91. A cucumber won't take you to disco and dump you for a flashy outfit.
92. Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom.
93. A cucumber doesn't care if you always spent the holidays with your family.
94. A cucumber won't ask to be put through Med School.
95. A cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually.
96. Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers.
97. Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy".
98. A cucumber won't insist the little cukes be raised Catholic, Jewish, or Orthodox Vegetarian.
99. It's easy to drop a cucumber.
100. A cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement, or seek custody of anything.
101. No matter how you slice it, you can have your cuke and eat it too.
Godamnit. I had to settle with this.
Now the hair has slowly moulded itself,
it feels as if I have become 17 again.
Yes, my hairstyle when I was at uni.
I feel like a kid all over again.
Mum is of course exhilarated that her daughter looks young agian.
She is extremely pleased that the hairdresser managed to cut 6 years off my actual age.
BUT I WANTED A SLIGHT BOB! HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED?
I really have got to stop listening to people and do what I want.
Felt kinda sad seeing so much hair get lopped off my head but it was for the better.
The split ends are getting unruly and before I start balding due to the weight of my hair, I guess its time I give them a cut.
At first when I wasn't used to looking at it, I thought I looked like a man, wtf.
But it turns out, there is no way I'll look like a man, so I just stopped worrying.
Such is life.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Years you poured your heart to me,
Years I said no.
Then finally after years I said yes,
to find out that we should actually just forgo.
Years have passed,
We've gone our ways,
Only to find,
We've both changed.
We don't talk,
We only smile.
We put our memories,
We both know it wasn't meant to be,
I just knew it earlier than you.
Of course things are for the better now,
Although you think you don't have a clue.
I wouldn't blame us for not talking anymore,
But there is something I want you to remember,
Where ever you go, whatever you do,
All the best, life is just about to get clearer.
I may be far,
I may be silent,
But remember you always have a friend,
Who will always help you by.
There was also Tun Mahathir's bread shop called The Loaf.
They had another branch at The Pavilion in Kuala Lumpur.
So it was a big hoohah to be in a VIP's shop. He who had single-handedly moulded Malaysia into what it is now. He who had developed Langkawi and made all the roads proper to drive on.
My mother was of course his biggest fan. He was cute, smart, dedicated and determined.
Hence, she bought a shit ass expensive marmalade that his bakery made which cost us RM17.80!
How expensive is that? But as we know everything comes with a price.
And for that price, my mum was willing to fork out money for her biggest crush!
Mummy kissing her crush's sexy marmalade.
So you know, when you're at a VIP's bakery, you cam-whore right?
Yep, so that's what we did. We cam-whored in front of the big mirror next to Mahathir's toilet!
I am pretty embarrassed and honoured at the same time to say that I took a fairly huge dump in his toilet.
Man, that dump was good.
Tun Mahathir's cheesecakes in a cup!
Ah, his breads and jams and other stuffs to please everyone!
Ah ya, why so expensive lah!
I don't gamble, so there really isn't anything else to do except drink and listen to music.
Boy did I enjoy my music.
The first night I was on the cruise, my gambling family went into the casino while I just sat at the lounge and ordered my Long Island Ice Tea. I was a bit skeptical at first that they'd do a good rendition of it, but I was proven wrong that Super Star Virgo Cruise has the best Long Island Ice Tea in town. They did not over pour the alcohol and it was a perfect blend for getting high. Yes, I am not a gambler but I do show potential traits of being an alcoholic. :D
The band was FANTASTIC.
People who knows me well knows my love for oldies and acoustic music. I love my music. And Super Star Virgo has done well by hiring these trio band of filipino musicians.
And may I add and applaud Filipinos for they have the BEST voice among all asians to sing English songs. The rest of you know that you all suck at singing English songs. But they did it so well I fell in love with music all over again.
And might I add, they are pretty adorable too.
The trio band consists of a double bass player and 2 acoustic guitarists. They were excellent.
They played all the oldies and the crowd wanted more.
The first player on the left was the shortest among them but he had a pair of very expressive eyes which danced as he sang and plucked his strings. His eyes could make you fall in love if you were not careful.
The second player had a million dollar smile which could melt your heart if you weren't careful as well.
The last player on the right was the cool card player. He hardly smiled but when he does and when you smile back,he goes all red and starts to blush, which makes you feel amazing. You should be very careful with these type.
All in all, I was of course a very careless person and I fell in love with all of them. Fark. There is shit loads of explaining to do after people read this! HAHAHAHAHAha.
Of course my Long Island Ice Tea went down very smoothly and that pleased me further. It was the best way to unwind. I have never felt more relaxed.
The first time I saw this glass, I thought it was going to spill, but I was mistaken as it was produced slanting. Very good visual trick to convince people that they are drunk before they even start drinking. Hahaha.
I wished they had an album, so I could buy ALL their albums and listen. Lord knows how much I love my music!
After so many hopes of new love for it to realise.
Finally, tonight, it happened.
It was sweet, simple and romantic.
I will never forget it.
The stars werent much at least there was one that was shining so brightly amongst the others.
It is beautiful.
And so are you, my love.
Sleep tight, sweet dreams.
Chan rak ter.
So here I present to you:
He is Black, mean, sensitive and doesn't take crap from people.
Loves the sun, but hates being in the tank.
Stares at you but you never really know if he is really looking at you.
He's favourite motto is : "Jump out before you get trapped in".
He has a soft spot for mealworms.
Now meet Mr. Kermit.
He is bigger in size than Mr. Blackie and he is known to be ferocious and loves to mark his territory by pouncing on Mr. Blackie.
He hates his meals to crawl all over his body so he loves to give them a flying kick to paralyse them.
Loves crawling under the drift wood and pretend to be squished.
He's favourite motto is : "Stay still and they'll think you're dead."
Has a soft spot for naked ladies.
Ah, my lovely slimey pets.
Not long before they grow big and turn into our asian delicacy.
It's about time to throw the old memories away, and start anew.
For tomorrow I will go for my hair cut, and trim off my old ones.
Let us start anew, like everyone should every now and then.
Cross our fingers I don't turn out horrid.
The whole place was HUGE and majestic.
Check it out.
Half of the view of the ship. It was unnerving huge man.
The highly reputed 3 golden horses in the Lobby.
View of the back of the Cruise.
I really enjoyed my time. Gambled a little, ate shit loads and shopped loads too!
Went to Phuket then to Langkawi.
Second Aunt bought shit loads of Jewlry for me!
Now am back to reality. Wanted to beat the shit outta myself because I didn't join my friend to go for the Cleo Bachelors Night. GODAMNIT!!!!!
Ah, the lesser of two evils.
Is it better to be a divorcee or remain a spinster all your life?
See, I have this group of virgin friends who are against pre-marital sex. You know, those dorky kinds who believe in internal beauty and that a super handsome guy will come one day and NOT want to have sex with them till they get married and they'd be happy forever.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? This shit will only happen in the movies. And even if it happens, the main actress will always be good looking. So if you don't buck your shit up and try to at least be pleasing to the eyes (eg put on some make up, sort your hair out and burn those ugly clothes) you can dream that a handsome guy will walk by and give you a second look.
Truth hurts, yeah I know. The thing with these spinster-potentials is that they dream too much. They think too highly of themselves. One way to sort that out is to find guys your own standard. Ok, if you're butt ugly, then find someone equally as butt uglier or worse. That way you can boost your self esteem and yet not be left on the shelfs. See, if you can pick people, people can pick you too.
So stop tarik-ing your harga, because you know, you have none if you're seriously, that butt ugly.
But then again, this only refers to the kind of girls who are so deluded and naive. Prince charming doesn't drop from the sky onto your laps. You have to work for it. You have to find them. And you have to grab your chance!
Ok, another kind of spinster is the kind of ladies that choose and choose and choose, and by the time they wanna settle down, BOOM. They've past their due date and they are just worthless. In our asian society, once you're past 29, you're practically old shit. I'm sorry to say that, but everyone knows, as your age gets higher, your self worth as a wife goes down. There are ladies who wait and wait for the rich man to pass their lives and they will cling on to him. But guess what, thats not for you to choose if you want to be with a rich guy. Thats your destiny. Many girls fall into this trap of waiting for the 'ONE'. Sorry, the 'RICH ONE'. Then they will commit themselves to him. But many a time, we have to step back and think : Do these rich guys want us? Are we worthy of their money? Are we really THAT HOT?
We all know these rich men want hot ladies, and will prolly cheat if they marry you. So, my only humble advise is to pick someone your own standard. But if you married someone rich, and hes everything you wanted AND he is loyal to you, CONGRATULATIONS. It really is your destiny. But then again, only time will tell if he is all you ever wanted.
Ok, so where was I?
Yes yes, past your due date. Once you're past it, you should count yourself lucky to even have a man wanting to marry you. Most guys go for women much younger than they are. Because you know, once we hit menopause around 40-50, we stop wanting sex. Yes, it is medically proven that our sex libido goes to hell after menopause. And then, you know, guys still want sex at 70. So. Where are they gonna have sex if they aren't allowed to cheat on you? Thats when they become frustrated. Because you know, you're old and saggy and even worse, you wont even suck his dick. So men tend to pick younger women!
Again, there are men who will only stay loyal to their wives and these men have the biggest stash of porn. HAHAHAHA.
Shit I have to stop side tracking.
Anyway, these are the spinsters who will damnfully spend the rest of their lives with their 9 cats.
So, whats so great about being a spinster? Ok, you get to keep your virginity. Ok, you don't have to fork out money to maintain a family. Ok you get to keep your great figure that doesn't go to hell too after you've had your kids. So what no big deal? You're gonna sag anyway once you hit 40.
Ok, on the other hand. So you're married and divorced.
You become the black sheep of the family, but you regain your freedom from whatever that caused you to break up. You get to date again (hopefully you are divorced before 40, cause once you cross that line, you better have kids to keep you company cause we all know where that road leads too). You get financial alimony from your ex, if you have kids. If you're not working, you still get alimony, plus you might get the house, if the Court is kind enough. But in the asian society, do men still want women who has been territorially marked by some other men? Chances are low that you'll re-marry again, but there are other amazing men who are still able to accept these ladies. It's not to say that being a divorcee is the end of your world, but it does lower your chances of being with anyone else, even more so if you have kids. But then there are always exceptions to the general rule, so don't give up if you are a divorcee. Life won't be bad all the time!
Unless you're poor and you have 3 kids to feed, there is hardly any need to remarry because there is a rise on harlem boys (aka toy boys) and you get better and more energictic sex and of course a young handsome boy to make you feel young again!
There is no point to this blog. I was thinking its either I don't marry, or there is a chance I will get divorced - because you know, I'm a major bitch.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
It's as if Hell it self has burst open due to its over explosive exothermic heat.
FUCK the weather is HOT.
I'm sweating my pores out.
Prickly rash has broken out all over me and my already acne-fied face.
I had to resort to Calamine lotion to cool my poor poor destroyed face down.
It's red, itchy and rashy. I want to go back to England NOW. It's Spring time there. Cold beats the heat anyway.
I will be going on Star Cruise tomorrow for a few days. So, WOOOOOHOOOOOOO!!!!!
Have been looking forward to it! It's been such a long time!
See ya suckers!
Friday, April 17, 2009
I must stress that these are my exquisite views and are none of anyone else's business what I write or what I perceive.
So those rival bloggers who want to belittle these upcoming new blogshops can bloody well jump up your own asses and stay there. If your products aren't appealing enough, then you bloodyhell do something about it then go around and tarnish people's names.
Ok. Enough bitching.
So, there's this new chiq blogshop that sells uber high street fashion.
May I present to you,
NOT A CROSS DRESSER.
Ranging from Maxi dresses to Toga dresses and skinny jeans, this shop really know what's good for us currently.
They are chic and trendy, and the prices are affordable too.
And might I add, they sell shoes as well, and THEY ARE TO DIE FOR. Am I not this broke ass this moment, I would have so bought these stilts.
Anyways, the owner of this shop is a pre-madonna fashionista who has almost fulfilled her life long dream of opening a boutique. Many might beg to differ, but at least this is a step further to realising her dreams.
There are risks to be taken while selling your products online and I personally salute all these blog shoppers for taking risks and going online and venturing out. Kudos.
N-A-C-D just started opening so theres not much dresses up for grabs, but here are a few of my favourites!!!!!
Purple is majestic. Toga dresses are AMAZING. The ruffled design is very soft and romantic. Good for dinner dates.
This bohemian earth coloured dress is unique and casual. good for casual dates.
Acid washed jeans and toga tops totally go for a splendid night out!!!!!!
And this is my favourite baby doll tube checkered dress, to be innocent when I know you're not!!!!!
Go check NOT A CROSS DRESSER out! You won't regret it!!!
Well done Francessca. I'm REALLY proud of you!
x x x x x
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
I admit it is a little TOO late to be watching Twilight by now.
But I have to say, it is a pretty good show. And THANK GOD I haven't read the book, because I've heard that it was a total disaster of the movie as compared to the book.
But hey, Edward Cullen is HOT.
He is FLAMING HOT.
When I saw him, I just wanted to rip his pants off and do naughty stuffs to him.
But I have self control.
Anyhoos, at the final etch of the movie, Edward and Bella had a dancing scene at Prom.
I tell you. That is the most romantic movie scene ever portrayed.
The soundtrack for it is absolutely heart-melting.
Here it is
I know its a really 'hard' title for such a mellow song.
It's so romantic.
I can unwind and relax and actually pretend that something as romantic as THAT could happen in my life.
Pfffffffffffffffffffffffffft. Who's kidding. :D
But man, I just love Edward Cullen. Not Robert Pattinson. Sorry babes. I've got a thing about BO.
x x x x x
Monday, April 13, 2009
I bought a pet frog and a fighting fish today!
I got my frog for 40cents! Poor fella and his brothers were about to be sold as food!
HE IS SO GREEN AND ADORABLE.
I named it Kermit. :D
I give it 2 weeks to live under my care.
My 40cents Kermit!
My Fishy is feisty, that one.
Ah, all is well :D
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Then we spent more quality time having dinner, I playing the piano to entertain them, then played with my dog for a bit, watched Dad chop up frozen fish to feed his other fishes, phoned Grandpa for a chat, then settled for a movie called Marley and Me.
Yes this is the second time I am watching this show.
But I left just as the end approached.
I anticipated that I could not take it. I knew I was going to cry. I hated sad endings. That was infact the reality of life. Your dogs would die sooner or later. And you would have to deal with the loss.
That is something about me. I absolutely HATE attachments. Because you know, they don't last. Nothing is forever. One day, they will leave you, and you will be alone again. People leave, animals leave, everything leaves you. I also hate departures. I hate having the awkward goodbyes which would break my heart absolutely 100% everytime.
I remember the time, around 1 year ago from today. My saddest goodbye - yet.
I remember saying goodbye to him at the airport. I remember being peeled away from his arms at the departure gate. I remember him waving expressionlessly back at me as I turned into the departure hall. I remembered my heart breaking. I remembered his crooked sad smile. I remembered his eyes, of which the sparkle was lost. I remembered crying 14 hours on the way back and also 2 months later. I remembered pining for him everyday. I remembered not being myself at all.
That was until I met him. Everything changed. I stopped pining. I stopped crying. Everything just seemed to move on.
Maybe departures are just a temporary part of life that you thought you'd never get over until you found something better to focus on. Maybe the meeting and destiny between people and animals are also like that. Maybe we aren't suppose to be together forever. No one is.
There was this Chinese ancient myth that couples will be together for only 3 lifetimes. How would you know that this would be your last lifetime together with your spouse or loved one? What would you lose if you never met him again in the next life? What if he stood next to you in a bus line and you never knew that he was once part of your life for 3 lifetimes? The person whom you lay next to every night, who shared you tears and laughter, your hard times and good. Imagine just walking past him like any other stranger in this vast world, not knowing that previously you both have met and shared several memories. Have you ever come across someone who's face is so familiar but you don't know the person? It feels like deja vu doesn't it. Perhaps that particular person was someone to you in your previous life. Who knows?
Life is very fragile. It is vulnerable. It is a fine thread. Treasure your time with your loved ones. Your parents especially. Because they won't be there for long. Treasure your pets. They love you with all their hearts.
Life isn't about rushing to work, staying till late and making all the money in the world. At your death bed, when those memories flash by your eyes as you are fading out, make sure you don't regret anything that you have never done.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Well. Enclosed is a photo to support that statement.
And oh, there will also be a sun eclipse on that particular day too.
2 natural phenomenons happening on the same day! What a bargain, RIGHT? HAH.
Anyways, it is said that Malaysia, Singapore, Phillipines, Australia, Maldives, Mauritius, Indonesia, India and Sri Lanka would be badly hit (oh as usual, really poor 3rd world countries must be rid of poverty one way or another right, God? (if you actually meant this to happen?) except you Australia - you are way cool.)
So anyone who decides to go to the beach that day, PLEASE STAY AWAY.
In fact, stay away for a whole month. You can't be sure of the particular date, but you know, an estimation of the month is good enough.
So if you really love and treasure your family and yourself, FFS, stay away.
That is all.
I have done my part of spreading the word!
How are you? It's been a long time since we spoke.
I miss you.
How is Ipoh treating you? I hope your bum hasn't gotten any bigger.
Hows your preparations of getting a nice bungalow with a large lawn so we can tea parties coming along? Remember to build a nice anti-mosquitoe tent so our guests wont get dengue.
Oh yeah, I will invest in your sisters restaurant in due time.
Stop being such a workaholic.
It's time to get married.....
...to me :D
x x x x x
I swear they are a lazy bunch of people who are so lazy they allow mice to maintain their own ports and sending technicians over promptly.
I swear they would then fix the ports, then send the technicians over, then make us realise on our own that the non-existence of the net was all in our head.
Fucking bunch of pricks.
I don't pay RM110 a month for freaking snail internet.
Fcuking wise up or I'll report you.
Wasting my money for nothing.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Instead, I would lock myself in the room for hours painting.
Here are some of my amateur acrylic paintings.
This is my finger art painting.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Sunday, April 5, 2009
My ancestors where so rich that they were buried on top of the hill right under a big shady tree.
Overlooking the Penang Town.
Thats my dadin blue cleaning the grave. My fat ass grew out of breath and nearly passed out when I reached the top. So I just sat and did nothing :D
Thats my fat ass brother helping my dad out cleaning the grave!
Oh well it was a good day, I am sure my ancestors were well glad someone came!
IT FEELS GREAT NOT TO BE WORKING.
Fuck yeah, I am loving the sleep ins and the late nights.
And all that partying.
And not worrying about waking up at 7am the next morning.
Or worrying about falling asleep at work.
And having your boss catch you redhanded.
Yes, I am enjoying myself.
No, I am not rich.
Yes, I have enough to cover my ass till I find work.
Yes, I am enjoying it.
Gosh I love the feel of not waking up and worrying if my boss would fire my ass today.
And no, I did not get fired.
I just finished my training.
I am SO contributing to the economy right now - by shopping and spending money I don't have.
I'd give it 2 more months before I get sick of this lifestyle and actually try to contribute back into the society.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
I have recently been invited cordially *ehem* to visit this new fashion website via a good friend of mine and do a review on it *yay*.
I have been to many weblogs selling clothes online and I have always doubted their fashion senses. Most sites sell jing jang clothes which most people will NEVER wear. They are either too lala-ish, or just plain horrendous.
I was mildly suprised that Runwayinateacup has amazing fashionable dresses at affordable prices!
Not only are they chic and trendy, most prices don't even go over RM50!!!!!! How great is that!!!! We usually come across websites that tend to slash our purses, but Runwayinateacup really helps us tighten our budgets with this filifeleh economic crisis going on!
They do mostly on asian sizes, so big girls like me don't really have much to muck about in the site, but just loooking at the amazing pieces would give us an idea of what to look out for when shoppping! A little bird told me that they would soon do plus sizes so we just have to watch their space closely! Once their plus size lines are out, I'll definitely be the first ones to queue up for the dresses! They better give me "back stage passes" and first hands on the dresses!
But seriously, their dresses are very classy and unique. Period. Runwayinateacup loves satin, so they have quite a number on it!
Check out what I have laid my eyes on. It's a pity they don't do a size 14! But nevertheless it doesn't hurt to crave a little!
This is a romantic tube dress with scallop cut top!
This grey ruffled top is so in fashion now!
The blue layered Lillee goes good on an informal or formal occassion!
The pink collared Candee is a must have!!!
These pieces absolutely make me drool. Now I wish I was smaller so I can further max out my credit card and buy them!!!
Go have a look at their site, you won't be disappointed!
Even their E-shop name is unique!
This site definitely has my thumbs up. Go for it girls!