Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Women, Know this!

There's several things that lots of ladies out there failed to realise. I'm here to break it gently to you :

a) Don't act so haolian when you're carrying your LV, Gucci, Ted Baker etc etc etc. No one cares if you're carrying a branded bag and they might even suspect you buying contrabands so if you're humble and carrying a branded bag you open yourself up for less or no criticisms. You can buy that bag, others also can buy ok. NO BIG DEAL. Later your bag kena snatch and before that you act so haolian parading around, people will only laugh at you and say, PADAN MUKA. who ask you to show off your bag in public? Don't say I didn't tell you so.

b) You're not as fat as you think. If you're size 16 and above and you complain that you're fat, ok, I give it to you, you can berate about your life till the cows come home. But if you're size 10 and below and you complain that you're fat and so uber depressed about it, I WILL SIT ON YOU. That is not even a baseless scare. That is a formal warning. I hate seeing skinny girls complaining about their flat tummys and pulling at their skins on their arms and thighs, SKIN I TELL YOU. Theres not even fats that they're pulling. WTF man, are you just dumb or are you just blatantly rubbing your flat tummies and skinny arms in my face????? Lao niang will suffocate you with my big ass.

c) Not all men can provide you with money, loyalty, look like Jerry Yan and a home. They can only provide you with 1 out of 4. or 2 out of 4 if you're really lucky. The perfect man that you're waiting for does not exist. And if he DOES exist, do you think he'll be with you? Do you actually think that he'll actually notice you? Have you even looked yourself in the mirror? Do you look anything like Cheryl Cole? If no, please do not expect men that ticks all your categories to look at you. Even if he looks at you and picks you, don't expect him to keep all his sexiness and handsomeness to himself!

d) If you haven looked yourself in the mirror and evaluated your self worth, don't go berating men who rejected you. Have you even tried tweezing your bush of an eyebrow or wearing a skirt? You fantasise about men you watch in korean and japanese dramas and you come back to reality and expect the same out of our own slobbery men. HOW CAN? They never expected you to pop right out of the playboy magazine, I feel that you shouldn't expect them to do things that you want them to.

Example. You want a man whose like those of the fairytale love stories in korean dramas. They want you to only be in the kitchen all day, and when they come home they expect you to be naked lying on the bed with double Ds and still be able to put a feast on the table. Are both parties able to live up to the expectations? I didnt think so!

e) Don't expect people to pull doors open for you, allow you to cut queue etc when you don't look like Katy Perry. The world is this superficial. Stop whining that just because you're a woman men should automatically kowtow to you. You should know by now that there are more assholes then gentlemen. And men love pretty things. So when you realise you need to flirt and be pretty to get your way in life, the whinings will automatically decrease.

f) If you're fat, or have fats in places that are OTT, please don't wear things that make them bulge out even worse. And also please don't wear gunny sacks. You know those big bags of clothes that makes you look like a sack of shapeless potatoes? If you're unhappy with your shape, get a corset or seomthing that squeezes the unnatural fat dispositions into a shape! You have to realise that there are many women out to sabotage you and by that when they say you look great even though you feel like you look like shit, they are actually hoping you look like crap so other men look at them instead of you. Trust your gut instinct. This however, also only applies to women who have the correct gut instinct. Not all fashion is wearable. Just because they were on the walkways, doesn't mean its pleasing to the eyes. Just, just don't wear something that doesn't compliment you. I may not be a fashionista, and by God I've committed some of the most terrible fashion crimes on earth, but now at least I know what to stay away from! Lol

g) Buying all those fat-free products doesn't make you any slimmer. It's tricking yourself to thinking that you're eating all those fat-free things. And lets face it, most companies put the word fat-free there to lure idiots to buy them. They are equally loaded with the same amount of sugar or fat, or even worse, other chemicals and trans-blabla that make you think its the same as the normal things you eat. Thats by far worse than ingesting fats into your body. Thats how people get so much cancer and such. PLUS they charge you more for fat-free stuff. I'm just thinking you're just paying extra for poison that you're eating. Might as well cook it yourself or make it yourself! Much healthier.

h) Please don't whine to your friends when you're secretly happy about your life and want to rub it in their faces. It's actually very obvious what you're trying to do and it makes them feel worse. Just be happy about your life and they'll feel happy for you. Unless that thing you're whining about really is morally wrong, then please don't. Happy things should be kept happy. Don't try to sour-coat it. If they really are your friends, you'll naturally know that they feel happy for you..

i) I once saw a girl who tried to make her eyes look bigger by enlarging her eyes all the time before taking pictures. Now she looks like a mortified/petrified character out of Tim Burton's scary ass cartoon movies. It's that ugly. I believe that if she had relaxed her eye muscles she would have looked so much prettier. Shes really the butt of all my ugly jokes now. I don't understand why you have to FORCE yourself to be beautiful. In a way you already are. If you're that unhappy (like me), just put la eye shadow, mascara, fake eye lashes and all. Don't have to stretch your muscles so far kan? It must be damn tiring to be her lor. Sad.

j) If you think your ass looks big in that skirt or jeans, it probably is. Don't need to ask others for 2nd opinions that you want to hear. And don't bully your poor bf into telling you things that you want to hear and then fucking him up for lying in your face. WTF do you want man!?!?!?!??!?!?!!??!?!!?

k) Please learn how to cook. It's very useful for you : self independence, pleasing your in laws, husband/bf, and children. Its only a baser instinct for being a mother. Even men are better at cooking. Shame on you! Its like how you expect men to know how to fix a light bulb!

l) Stop glaring at other women who are obviously prettier than you, and also stop laughing at women who are inferior to you. It sickens me to know that there are several of you out there that are like this. Each to its own. I'm sure you have something to hide and that you've hidden it well, not everyone knows your flaws. You're not perfect. Don't judge others by their looks unless you want the same done to you.

m) Concealer is good for you if you have blemished skin. If you're going to be out in public where 90% of the population is going to staring at your scary ass acned skin, please, for the love of humanity, put on some make up. Seriously no man wants women with terribly acned skin. When I was younger I had such bad acne, I had no bfs. And when I learnt how to cover them up, men slowly started coming into my life. True story. Men are superficial assholes.

n) Don't be too churchy/holy. I know that only a certain group of men (aka church go-ers) would approve of this attitude. It's good to have God in your life and praise his ways, but to overdo it is another matter. Then instead of the pious girl that you want to be, you'll fondly be remembered as the crazy church virgin who can't get married because she drowns men in bible verses. No joke. If you're old and still want to reproduce, and men in church obviously aren't going to marry you for reasons best known to themselves, keep the prayers and bible teachings and all the praise the lord antics to yourself (ie confinements of your room when you're alone). Remember, God helps those who helps themselves. He will always know if you're faithful to him. He doesn't have to hear you speak the words of the Bible to everyone you see. Just act normal. Nothing out of the norm, and you'll be fine....

o) If you have too many cats, hamsters, posters of anime, posters of boy bands, prepare yourself for spinsterhood.

p) men love women who are obedient, cook, wash, iron their clothes and serve them in bed. Anything other than that is unnecessary - especially in our traditional asian culture. If you're thinking of marrying a Malaysian man, mostly likely you'd have to stick to my 5 golden rules as aforementioned, and you're set for life - no matter how you look like. Men want to come home to good cooked food, clean floors and toilets, clean crisp shirts and plenty of sex. They do not want to : a) see papers and files lying around b) hear about your boringly painful day at work and about the gossips flying around your office c) have to do the house chores together with you (that is YOUR DUTY). d) have to run out again to buy dinner e) beg you for sex and then get rejected and then have to 'tam' you back because you get angry at him for asking for sex.

q) If the size doesn't fit, don't buy it. don't buy things that you hope you'll slim down to fit into. Same goes for shoes. If it doesn't fit, it never will.

r) excessive petty tantrums does not get you far in life. Blackmail does.

Monday, August 16, 2010

A letter to my dead girlfriend

Read this on the internet and its just really sad.... and painful.

A letter to my dead girlfriend - m4w

Date: 2009-10-25, 1:36PM CDT

It has been a rough year darling. The ethereal power of Craig�s List will get this message to you I am sure, like in some sort of cheesy 80s movie.

Well back to the last year, you of course died at the beginning of it which put things to a sour start. I spent last night with your mum and dad, we went to that Italian place in Wicker Park, who on the surface seem to be coping. I had everyone get together for my 25th which went well, your ladies are on top form and I think some engagements are brewing. Ellen is turning up the heat on Steve who will soon be forced down to one knee as you predicted.

Last weekend I finally took the step of cleaning out your clothes from the closet, which is very barren now. I invited your friends over to take your what they liked, it was an awkward session. I think they took them more as a favor to me than anything else. Liz cried when we pulled out all of your shoes, Miranda joined in and then Catherine broke down. It was strange to stand in our bedroom surrounded by three crying girls. I made a joke about them crying for joy at the prospect of some free Manolo Balhniks which they didn�t seem to find very funny.

A few girls have put the moves on and as you know picking up women is not a forte of mine. It seems the grieving boyfriend seems to be a good angle. Who knew! I went on one date and spent it talking about you, the poor girl. You would have found it quite witty I think. No other dates to report, I am going against your orders to move on for now.

I found one of those hair tie things that somehow managed to squeeze into every crevice in the apartment. It was under the bed. I sat on the floor holding it and cried. Until then I had held everything together but it just all came flooding out.

Every morning when I wake up I forget for a fraction of a second that you are gone and I reach for you. All I ever find is the cold side of the bed. My eyes settle on the picture of us in Paris, on the bedside table, and I am overjoyed that even though the time was brief I loved you and you loved me.



Tuesday, August 3, 2010

The Mother of all quizzical Questions that no one knows why.

This would be the mother of all quizzical questions that no one knows why.

Even the mystery of which came first, the chicken or the egg, has been cracked. And this. This has yet to be known as to WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.



Note: this is only referred to singaporeans who drive like fuck in msia. If you don't drive like fuck, or don't think u drive like fuck, then its not you. Very subjective topic as to whether you knowingly know that you're a shitty driver or not. Or you're just oblivious about the whole thing. ANYWAY!

Note : this also only refers to a portion of the singaporean chinese. the malays drive fantastically. some of the indians do as well. but generallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly. chinese. you. suck.at.driving.

To continue with my analysis of this shockingly rude mystery. Why do singaporeans drive well in singapore, and come into malaysia and drive like fuck?

is it

a) this is to release all their pent up stress of having to drive in an orderly manner on all singapore roads for if they shall default in their actions, they will be heavily compounded and have demerit points off their already negative marks.

b) those who drive like fuck in malaysia also drives like fuck in singapore. so if one is going to drive like fuck, might as well drive like fuck in a lawless place in malaysia where violence and road rage prevails over the armed forces.

c) they've actually entered into the magical closet known as the customs immigration and magically appeared in Marnia (Malaysian narnia) where all roads lead to the ice queen and are slippery, dangerous, and filled with goat-men.

d) they think they are our lao pek and can drive like it is their roads. Somemore can show us cibai face when we honk them for driving like fucks. SHOW US LANJIAO FACE SOMEMORE.

e) they think they are more superior than us. and that they can drive however they want and we don't dare to bang them just because their car shinier than ours, we cannot afford to pay compensation. well guess what fuckers, THERE IS NO LAW THAT YOU CAN CLAIM AGAINST US WHEN YOU'RE IN OUR TERRITORY DRIVING LIKE FUCK AND KENA SCRATCH/BANG! boooooooooooooooooooooooooyah. learn this. you have been warned. there is nothing you can do about the law when it comes to claiming from our insurance companies. and like our system here. WE HAVE NO SYSTEM.

f) they actually have no licenses. So when they come out of the customs, they switch palce with the original drivers, just to have a go at driving and since malaysia has no law, no one will catch them. YES THAT IS TRUE. BUT WE WILL SCRATCH YOUR CAR AND PUNCTURE YOUR TYRES IF YOU PUSH US OFF THE EDGE. i suspect alot of these people are still in the process of getting their licenses and where else to practices besides malaysia? then when they come over they realise they're fucked because everyones an agressive driver here.

You fuckers really haven kena beaten up yet. then when kena beaten up say its us who are violent and boh tak chek. when you yourself drive like cibai like that. linabeh beh hiao hua chia mai lai malaysia la. hua kana lanjiao nia. limpeh PUIHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh. kanasai. license min chai si buay teng lai eh simi si.

to be honest, i am fine with singaporeans. but its when we're rushing to places, and you're in the express lane driving like an old woman and braking at every fucking nothing, is what pisses us off. you have no sense of hearing when you hear us honking away and flashing our highlights. and oh you guys are so oblivious to the laws of the roads.

Please if you're going to drive like fuck, dont do it here. go back to singapore and drive. if you're not confident in your driving, take the public transport FFS. our crazy bus drivers who gets into accidents every now and then drives better than you!

And we apologise profusely should we have any of our drivers driving like cock in singapore. we really do. of course they are minorities in singapore because its just so bloody expensive to even go into SG. $20 fucking dollars to just enter. and thats not even incl the ERP. And you guys only need to pay less than RM3 to come into malaysia. stupid customs. don't even know what they're thinking.

So please, someone tell me, why is JB swarmed with singaporean drivers whos licenses we suspect are bought with undertable money? It's like driving schools teach you nothing at all!


She should be my prodige.................................... How come Ern isn't this cool!??!!?!?!?!?

If I could have it my way.....

.....I'd make sure that work starts at 10am, and ends at 2pm. And still get paid in full!

.....the working week would only last 3 days. tues till thurs.

..... Anything below an XL would be made an invalid size, and needs to be specially tailored. HAH!

.....all imported cars would have an RM80,000.00 cap.

.....All long distance travel buses would be banned. Promoting flights, saves time and promote efficiency and cut down on road traffic accidents.

.....Singaporeans would not be allowed to drive in Malaysia. EVER.

.....cosmetic surgery would be so much more affordable. Like the price of the most expensive facial you've ever gotten.

.....alot of the customs immigration officials would be fired and burnt.

.....alcoholic shots would be capped at RM5.00 and not watered down. Beer would be RM7.00 per pint. Everything would be in pint glasses and not mugs.

.....idiots wearing snow boots and winter shawls in this fucking weather would be shot.

.....assholes wearing glasses in clubs thinking they're as cool as Usher would have their eyes gouged out.

......Jho Low would be my best friend.

......animal cruelty would result in death penalty.

......hudud law would be highly enforced. eg. rapists would have their penises whacked off, robbers and theives would have both hands chopped off.

.....have the customs thoroughly check the singaporeans car just as how they thoroughly check ours at their customs.

.....the steel-rice-bowl workers would not be lazing around waiting for their boss to feed them. bums.

.....there'd be another chatchujat in JB.

.....offices would have built in beds on the walls so we can nap whenever we're tired during break times.

.....annoying insurance sellers would be dead.

.....slow drivers and/or terrible drivers will be shot dead as well.

.....memory erasing would be widely popular.

.....old folks homes and orphanages would have a better living standard.

.....people who neglect their parents and chuck them in old folks homes would have their own kids legally kidnap and starved until they take back their parents and treat them the way they should. they would also be monitored 247.

.....people would be legally able to kill their other half if caught cheating or in compromising positions.

.....there would be more KFCs than MCDs.

.....women would be able to get (an) off day(s) when they're menstruating.

.....alcohol would be created to make you high, and not hung over.

.....there would be no charges for women taking advantage of men in whatsoever manner.

.....mash potatos would replace rice.