Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Past year realisations

Now that 2009 is here and 2008 is out of sight, I think I should take time to recall back what I've done in the past year.

I :

- know what it is like to almost choke to death on jelly.

- organised my first ever Xmas dinner.

- had Santa to join me for dinner.

- lost an old friend due to personality clashes. (everyone knows I'm lovely.)

- had my heart broken.

- fell down 6 flights of steps in front of my mum.

- permed my hair.

- was called a Barrister-at-law in Lincolns' Inn.

- left my part domicile Newcastle-Manchester.

- started off New Year with the neighbour's backyard burnt down at a BBQ.

- celebrated my birthday - TWICE.

- had depression every month.

- was given a Guitar by Felipe. One of the best presents ever.

- went for my first fish spa - totally not worth it. You could have come to my house for a fish spa for FREE.

- first sank my teeth into lontong kering and fell in love with it.

- have recognition from my clan for achieving the graduate status.

- finally have awards for studying. wooooooo!

- had another St. Bernard, Sergeant, but had to return him cos he was the spawn of Satan.

- cried till my eyes literally changed its usual form.

- made my first steak ever.

- am saving money for the first time in my life.

- have not asked money (frequently) from parents and am learning to live with my own money.

- bought shit loads of shoes.

- bought alot of bags too.

- went to my first beer fest.

- went for my first overnight trip without my parents.

- got my drivers license - FINALLY!

- had the most hair trimmings.

- organised my mum's 60th.

- went to Cornwall - Garden of Eden.

- made amazing charsiew for a party of 20 at a CNY party.

- bawled my eyes because I was leaving my best life in UK.

- stopped being friends with Primark because I moved so far away.

- fell in love with Rogan Josh.

- made freakin 24 cupcakes for CT's 23rd birthday.

- betrayed my own morals and apologised just to blend in.

- joined shopaholics anonymous.

- went to Court - and not for the bad stuff.

- fell in love with banana cake - again.

- still hate raw fish.

- went to Durham finally.

- sent 7 boxes of 30kgs each back home from UK.

- had 94 meltdowns.

- played housewife.

- met up with several old friends.

- realised that shoes with faint soles are BAD.

- realised that kissing ass is not my cup of tea.

- am terrible at drawing.

- love threading my eyebrows.

- HATE LAW. I absolutely do.

- realised that I can't possible drive a manual without killing someone.

- love falsies.

- didn't know what pain was till I went for facials.

- am one with Wah Tan Hor.

- can't wait to finish chambering.

Like a strong tree

You're right Keith.

I'm 23 this year for cryin out loud.

Face my problems like a strong tree.

If I get chopped down, I will grow back again with new and stronger shoots.

You're right.

Godamnit what will I do after you've gone to Dubai?

I'll miss you :(

Meltdown

I'm having a meltdown now.

Right this second. At 2.01pm. 1st January 2009. Thursday.

I have no one to talk to. There is no one here for me.

I am so depressed I can't feel my teeth anymore.

My head hurts.

My throat burns.

I need a pill for eternal sleep.

I can't choose. Don't make me choose.

Why does this feel like deja vu all over again?

New Year 2009

Like the predictable Joanna,

I actually did not spend my NYE sitting at home.

In fact, I went out and had a blast.

Its funny there was no fire, no fights, no break ups with anyone.

Only lots of big flash lights, house and hiphop music, day-old pee looking beer, and loads of underaged kids.

Sigh, we went to La Gourmet.

By the sound of it, I'm sure everyone knows that its a bistro.

Its okay, we didnt have to pay cover charge shit or squeeze with people in the clubs to open ridiculously expensive drinks!

Again, I betrayed myself and went out when I said I wouldn't!

And like all cool kids, I take photos and post them up here,
so as to fit into all the "normal" bloggers post.

Here I go.


We had Dj Yam in the house, literally playing house music only.

Loving his right arm tattoo. Its uber-cool man I tell you

Let me give you a low-down of what Djs actually do.

We know that we hardly listen to what the Djs are playing,
so they practically do WHATEVER they want with the song.

Its ridiculous man.

But hey, no one notices anyway!


Me acting cute.


Me drinking what suspiciously looks like day-old pee,
but tastes pretty good actually :)


Day-old pee best served in a bucket chilled with ice.


Then there was some homo-erotic gay-scene going on.

Which leads to Alan...



Proposing to CT

Which leads to CT...


Rejecting sohai Alan.


Alan trying to record a tune.
I don't think his boom-mic was working.


Why does he look like a Dai-lou from the back???


:)




So at the strike of 12am, it was HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Then like Fat-erella, I had to bounce off home before my fats drastically changed into mice.

Poor CT had to drive me home.

Potong steam nye when everyone was having fun..................

So how was everybody's New Year?

*
*
*
And guess what ?

I'm at work!!!!!!!!!

WTF MANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.

WORK ON NEW YEARS DAY!!!!!!!!!!

THIS IS BULL CRAP I TELL YOU!!!!!!!

WHY???????????????

WHY???????????

I DON'T UNDERSTAND??????

I HATE YOU!!!!!!

X

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Beauty Ad.

Uneven skin tone?

Acne?

BUTT-UGLY?

Unsightly blemishes?

Double Chin?

Hair-loss?

Wobbly Tummies?

Protruding gut?

Small breasts?

Flat arse?

CANT GET LAID?

Imperfections all over?

Want porcelain skin?

Sounds like you?

Then worry no more, for help is here!
Anything you need to become perfect!

At a reasonable price of RM50.00 per session for a consecutive 7 days,

YOU can see the results IMMEDIATELY.

With the beauty professional, FLANSEESCA VONG,
you'll turn from an ugly duckling into a beautiful hot minx in NO TIME!

You are only required to stay at our luxury accomodation at AH MOI MOTEL for the period you are under our care.

So sit back, relax, let the professional do her job.
And at the end of the 7 days you can go home looking and feeling like a totally different person!

All you need can be purchased at our premises for a reasonable price.

List of necessities (to be tailored accordingly to every individual) :

1) Sandpapers - RM2.00 a piece

2) Electric chain saw - RM200.00
(we do not share chainsaws for hygene reasons)

3) Screw driver - RM10.00

4) Elephant glue - RM2.50 per stick

5) Pail - RM2.00 per bucket

6) Plastic tube hose - RM1.20 per meter

7) ICI DULUX Paint - RM 50 per tin of 5 litres

8) Marker pen - RM1.50

9) Cellophane/double-sided tape - RM1.80 per roll

10) Pins - RM1.20 per box

11) Bobby pins - RM1.00 per stack

12) Wig - RM40.00 and above depending on quality and length

13) Bandage - RM6.00 per roll of 2meters

14) Painkillers - RM5.00 per strip

15) Scalpels - RM20.00 per pair

ALL FOR LESS THAN RM1000.00!!!!!!!!!

WHAT A BARGAIN!!!!!!!

Be assured that all these instruments to transform you into a beautiful Minx is brand new for hygene reasons!

No one wants blotched operations and suffering with post-op infections due to contaminated instruments , do we?

We also request that during your stay with us that you pass your mobile phones for safe-keeping.
We do not encourage any outside contact, so as to give everyone a big surprise as to how amazing you've become!!!!

So call 012-2962409 quick to make your nearest booking!

BORING, I hear?

I was just looking through loads of peoples' blogs (yes I do that especially during day time) and I just realised:

I'm the world's boring-iest person.
I dont go to clubs, I dont take insane self-portraits of myself (because I'm not THAT HOT) I don't go on shopping sprees and then yamcha-ing later with my bitches, I dont go to disneyland, neither do I travel alot, I don't do anything!

FUCK! I am so uber-boring it's embarrassing!

I end up blogging about rubbish instead of my daily life, what I eat, what I wear, what I buy, who I know, where I go, etc etc etc. Joanna has truly outdone herself this time. I am the Queen of BORING.

And guess what? I think I'm staying in tonight while other cool people are ushering in the NEW YEAR! MY god. I have nothing to do.

Everyday is the same old shit. I go to work, go home, eat, quarrel abit with the la familia, then I sleep! I have no fucking life! How is this possible?! Have I grown up?

or worse,

have I gone boring?!

WTF?!!!!!!?!?!?!!?!?!?


I dont get invited to any parties (because I dont know anyone) and the parties I go to are my own (because I'm cool like that!)

WOW.

I have no more words left for myself.

I have really reached the epitome of mundanity.

Maybe I shall transform myself into a hermit and live far far away in the Polynesian Islands.

No?

You'll miss me too much?

Ok. I'll stay.

But just for you only, ok?

:)

You have no SOLE!



Because of you, soleless pair of shoes,

I slipped and fell on my bum today while walking down a slippery slope.
Are you happy now?

AND MY BUM DOESNT EVEN HAVE IN-BUILT CUSHIONING.

There goes my hips when I'm old and aged.

I'm cerealsly blessed with an unfortunately flat arse.
Sigh.

If only my dear Fats would happily relocate themselves down at my tushy.

Aww, it hurts :(

DAMN YOU RM15!!!!!!!!!!!

Yours truly, Joanna.

(this is inspired by That Girl Cynthia, which was inturn inspired by Hopedieslast which was inturn inspired by someone else. Feel free to be inspired by this)

Dear Work,

Why do you have to be such a pain? I really dislike you. You make my eyes boggle whenever I look at the screen. You turn my legs jelly whenever I have to hand it in to my boss. Because you make me LOOK BAD in front of my boss. This is why I don't think I'll get my yearly bonus.

There are no words to describe how much I really dislike you. In fact, I HATE YOU. The only days I ever look forward to is SUNDAY, because thats when I don't have to see your STINKING FACE.

I hate Mondays because I know you'll be there piled up waiting for me.

I hate you. Please please go away.

Please.

Yours hatefully,
Joanna

-----

Dear Roaches-who-live-in-my-room,

Why do you have to tickle me with your feelers every night? Do you know it's really annoying when you're trying to sleep and theres something in ears wiggling about?

What is it that you are finding in my ears that you cannot find in the corner of the rooms? I have not known that my ear 'gold' to be so popular.

Please let me know what you're searching for. So I can speed up the process by later on worshipping you with your long-searched-whatever, and then may you go away peacefully and never fly after me again.

I don't like you,
Joanna.

-----

Dear Bodyshop concealer stick no.4,

There are no words to express my thanks as to how much facial flaws you can conceal with your greatness. You are the true high-street brand that I can rely on without busting my purse to purchase. You never fail to give me a flawless perfection when topped of with M.A.C Studio Fix NC40.

Thank God men invented you.

I am truly blessed.

Amen.

-------

Dear Cynical side of me,

Please stop giving everyone the negative low-down they don't want to hear. Even though everyone knows what you say is true, it is however, very harsh and painful. Please for the sake of everyone, don't unleash your brutal honesty upon the world to an extent that even the rock needs to do some soul-searching.

It is sad that you have quietly creeped into my life and now I have blatantly pessimised myself into depression. But please try to restrain yourself only in my arena and not into other peoples' life. You do not need to be that nosey.

You need some positive management classes.

Yours ernestly,
Joanna.

-------

Dear Nosey part of me,

Why do you have to be so nosey? Why do you have to poke your nose into everyones business and know everything that is going on? Is it just an in-built woman infrastructure that can not be demolished? Why can't you be like men and mind your own business?

Why do you have to have your feet in everything?

My conscience is telling me to tell you that if you don't do something about your incessant inquisiveness, it's going to beat the shit out of you.

Like, cerealsly.

Your friend,
Aunty Jo.

------

Dear 2008,

This has been a fucking bad year for me.

You taught me what it is like to leave someone at the airport. You taught me that perhaps true love doesn't exist. You taught me that people can be such fucking cuntspricks and yet they can get away with it. You taught me that there is no such thing as good karma for good people. Bad people still get rewarded anyway. You gave me depression.

Our relationship with each other is negligible this past year. You have given me total bullshit to deal with.

As much as I love counting my blessings that I have had this year, I cannot wait to embark on a fresh page, fresh start. I broke up with him last year, I will break up with you this year. In 1 day's time. Then we no longer know each other. I will write off this year as a mistake and I will carry on with my life, chin up.

Thank you for teaching me to grow up.

Matured,
Joanna.

--------

My dear guitar, Antonio Burrito,

Thank you so much for being there for me this year. You are really a godsent gift to me from Felipe.

Thank you for making lovely music with me when I'm bored. Even though I still cant play any other chords besides Cmajor, Dmajor, E, A and G, because my fingers are too short and stumpy, I find it extremely pleasing that I still can sing strum and play along with the music.

Thank you for making me a cooler person just by bringing you around.

I am now a certified true hippy.

Yours forever,
Joanna

-----

Dear electrical mosquitoe repellent,

There have been several times when you have gone MIA and nights were terrible without you. The damn mosquitoes refused to leave me alone. Now you're brand new, no funky smell like the coil thingy,no smoke, and you'er non-toxic, mosquitoes finally leave me alone at night.

I don't have to hear them buzzing past my ears anymore now.

Thank you.

Your biggest fan,
Joanna.

-----

Dear Rum,

You know I have a love hate relationship with you. But I really cannot be in a relationship with you anymore. Because of you I have dodgy videos up on youtube taken by sleazy men at clubs I do not even know. Of course these videos are nothing else but embarrassing. I am there sitting on the couch in a club, nodding my head AND HAND away like I'm stoned.

So please, rum, if you really love me, you know what to do.

Let's break up,
Joanna.

------

Dear trust,

I know how much you have been betrayed by those closest to you and those who have promised to be there for you forever. Please do not punish the new people who are trying to love you and trying to give you the best they can.

I know that you are there for my best interests, to protect me from everyone who is out to harm me. But perhaps there is someone out there who is sincere and genuine towards me? No? Are you completely sure? Then I'll listen to you trust, because you're part of me and there is no other way I can get rid of you. But if you're wrong, trust, I WILL KICK YOUR ASS.

All suspicious and cynical,
Joanna.

------

Dear Fats,

As much as I adore you and your presence around me, recently I have noted a slight deposition of your greatness around my upper torso. This is neither adorable nor endearing and I find it an urge to voice out my worries to you to kindly please relocate yourselves onto my bum.

Those fellas down there are kinda starving for companionship and fullness.

Please go somewhere else my dear Fats.

There are greener pastures on the other side.

Your little fatty,
Joanna.

---------


Dear blogspot,

Thank you so much for helping me kill time while I'm supposedly busy at work. Thank you for giving me an arena to express my creativity in writing nonsense. Thank you for providing me a forum where I can pollute innocent minds with my nonsensical rubbish.

Most of all, thank you for giving me the inspiration not to deteriorate into a vegetable.

Your biggest supporter,
Joanna

---------

Dear Joanna,

I must tell you time and again to hang your towel up when its wet. Please stop buying shoes as there is literally NO MORE SPACE for you to put it in your house. You have already over a 100 pairs of heels. Please reserve some self control. Please also do something about your bags. You have TOO many of them, it's starting to spill out of your wardrobe. And listen woman, You have only one pair of ears. YOU DO NOT NEED SO MANY EARRINGS, although the 3 for RM10 buys are tempting. Remember to do your hydration masks frequently because your face is in dire need of water. Please drink enough water as I think your pee is getting yellower and yellower.

Be kind to your dog Rose, and do not sayang her with only your feet. Do not pat her head too hard as well even though she seems to like it. You might displace her brains. Try not to be a road rage and curb your enthusiasm on criticising bad drivers into a pulp of rubbish. Be kind to your eyes. Don't rub them as if you are scratching the coin on the lottery ticket.

Save money. Recession is near. You should start selling things in your wardrobe. You do not need so many clutches or perfumes. Remember to put lipstick everytime you go to work or your mother will kill you.

Most of all, try to stay happy and FUCK THOSE who thinks they know better about you than you. Be nice to CT. Do more exercise.

Oh yeah, it's time to start painting again.

Always here for you,
Joanna.

----------

Monday, December 29, 2008

6 month sabbatical.

Unfortunately, the world has to see my down and out side, because, sad to say, Vikram has gone on a 6 month long sabbatical. It is with deepest longing that I say this, I miss you. There is no one else here to listen to me talk about my grandfather's suspicious-looking sock.

Please come back soon.

And bring me presents from where you are now (you left without saying a word!). I want a Tshirt, a magnet and 2 postcards please?


Note how endearing Vikram's terrible spelling is.

Hence my incessant rantings and thought diarrhea on anything possible. I might up my usual banterings by writing about your granny panties.

X


MSN

This is our usual daily conversation on MSN, just cause we're cool.

Bunny says:
i'm gonna get the bobbi brown eye thingy
FRANCESSCA Wong Zhen Shan says:
yeah
FRANCESSCA Wong Zhen Shan says:
?
FRANCESSCA Wong Zhen Shan says:
the eye brow powder/
Bunny says:
concealer dark ring thingy
FRANCESSCA Wong Zhen Shan says:
cibai
FRANCESSCA Wong Zhen Shan says:
concealer la
Bunny says:
yes lar
Bunny says:
hahahaha
FRANCESSCA Wong Zhen Shan says:
brown eye thing
Bunny says:
ha?
FRANCESSCA Wong Zhen Shan says:
it sounds like a monster
Bunny says:
haaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Bunny says:
nabeh

Oh well, another long day at work.

X

Joanna's UNREALISTIC New years Resolutions

So the year is drawing to an end. It's NYE tomorrow. I have absolutely nothing planned. I have no money. Nothing. Nada.

Well at least its a change from the previous 2 years. I had countdown parties. We ended up fighting, verbally abusing each other, we nearly broke up, we even broke up for a few hours, there was a fire, there was some people physically hurt etc etc. Both new years were a total failure. Both strong signs to show that we weren't meant for each other. And it was true.

I didn't know if it was me not being meant to celebrate New years, or I was just trying our best to make it. We both tried I guess.

So, this year, I guess I'm done celebrating. I better just sit at home and not do anything, or touch any phone, or speak to anyone, in case someone or worse, EVERYONE, breaks up with me. Does anyone have any idea how terrible it is to fight on such an occassion? It's like a total meltdown right after 3,2,1 and everyone kisses, merry wishes, yada yada, then you get into a cat fight and everything gets ugly from there.

No. This year will be different. I will try my best to preserve the status quo between me and everyone. I will not pick fights, or entertain any fights from anyone.

This new year will go off fine. I will be fine.

This year has been pretty shitty for me. People who are close to me will know what is going on in my puny pathetic little life. I have had regrets, but not enough for me to mention them.

So next year, I have to solemnly promise myself not to get into unnecessary trouble that I have done so in the previous 2 years, and that I'll promise to be good. NOT. haha. Thats like mission impossible man. I find it so easy to just get into trouble and get my ass whooped.

Every year, I never fail to give myself realistic resolutions to fulfill. Well, we all know how that went. So this year, I shall try a different approach and give myself UNREALISTIC RESOLUTIONS for the fun of it, maybe it'll be different and maybe half of a resolution might be fulfilled.

So, here goes.

Joanna's Unrealistic New Year Resolutions:

1) Lose 10 Kilos.

2) Get married.

3) Be a member of the Parliament.

4) Join the United Nations.

5) Work for an editing firm.

6) Get a cat.

7) Get a Honda Accord.

8) Be a spokesperson, for anything.

9) Comb my hair everyday.

10) Stop eating.

11) Open my plus-line fashion outlet.

12) Get talent spotted for piano playing/singing.

13) Become a teacher.

14) Be on newspaper (for good or for worse)

15) Be a socialite.

16) Sleep 14 hours a day.

17) Get an extended bathroom.

18) Be kind, rewind. Not be a bitch anymore.

19) Spend a longer time in the bathroom.

20) Not scream at the top of my lungs, or curse.

Wow, take a look at my long list of unrealistic and unattainable resolutions. It's like I'm joking myself, and best, the world.

So what is everyone doing NYEve night? I hope everyone has a blast :)


X

Global Warming - Tips to save the Earth

Why do we have Tsunami? Hurricane Gloria? Floods? Landslides?
All these amount to Global Warming.

And according to Wiki, Global warming is the increase in the average temperature of the Earth's near-surface air and oceans since the mid-20th century and its projected continuation.

We're not recycling, reusing our old stuff, hence the need to burn them to remake new ones, which in turns produces greenhouse gases yada yada yada, which burns a hole in the Ozone layer, which in turn allows the sun's harmful UV rays to penetrate the earths surface which in turn melts the polar regions, which in turns increases the sea levels, causes warm weathers etc etc etc.

You get the idea?

The reason why we're dying quicker is because of lazy asses like us who destroys the environment.

HARBINGERS: Events that foreshadow the types of impacts likely to become more frequent and widespread with continued warming.
Spreading disease- Chikungunya, Malaria, Aedes
Earlier spring arrival
Plant and animal range shifts and population changes
Coral reef bleaching
Downpours, heavy snowfalls, and flooding - Landslides etc etc
Droughts and fires- Sumatran Forest fires
These are all signs of Global warming that that the world is coming to an end.

There are 3 R's we have to remember. Reduce, Reuse, and Recycle.

Here are some helpful tips to help incorporate the 3Rs into our daily lives.

1) Do you know farting actually depletes the Ozone layer? So save the earth! Keep your farts!

2) Dog died? Then recycle its meat so we don't have to kill another poor animal to eat! But remember to eat it while its meat is still warm! Save the animals from extinction!


3) Shortage of water? Think its a waste to throw the water away after you've mopped the floor? Give your son/daughter/kid brother/sister/yourself a bath! Remember to reuse the water a few times before you really throw it away! Don't worry, the soap will be there to protect you from the dirt from the water!!!!

4) Still got oil left over from the last cook? Reuse it till it's black! Everyone knows that the earth has limited resources left!

5) Do you know that the Carbon monoxide released from your car harms the Ozone too? So, walk/ride/roll to to work! Get some exercise! Or better still, ride your dog! Give him so exercise too!

6) Save water while flushing. Go poop and pee in your garden. Everyone knows that they act as amazing fertilisers for your plants!!!!


7) Reuse your underwear front back, in and out untill there is no other choices left! Save water from washing!


8) Stop using serviettes at restaurants. Need to blow your nose? Wipe your mouth? No worries! Use your own top, or better, someone else's top (secretly) to wipe the dirt away!!!! Save the trees!


9) Instead of using disposable chopsticks, why not just use the twigs from the trees? They function exactly in the same way, plus you can give the tree a good pruning!


10) Save paper! write on walls. They serve the same purpose either way! Plus its a good way of expressing yourself and decorating the place at the same time!

So geared up with your new tips to save the earth, I hope everyone plays a part in preserving our only planet.

LIVE LONG AND PROSPER!!!



X

Out of Toilet Paper



Today, I'm going to talk about the importance of toilet paper.

The only reason why I've decided to embark on this totally random blog is because -
I'm out of toilet paper.

And I need to poop so terribly.

I'm afraid of using the water at work,
because I've heard that dead mice swim in the water tank above.

It's that scary.

I don't want contracting any mice e.colli disease from using the water hose, used by many of our colleagues here.

It's just unhygenic.
So, I'll just hold it in.

Why did I not remember to bring the box of tissues to work?

No wonder I left work knowing that I've left something behind.

DAMNIT JO.
Pay attention!!!!!

I'm unusually pissed off today,
because I have to work.

And there are no words to describe how much I hate work.
This is my first proper job, so it's either this job, or I'm meant for greater things like being a bum all my life.

Argh I'm so sleepy.
It's the Tuesday blues I've caught, since Monday was a public holiday.

Oh yeah,
I dreamt of a bad wolf last night,
terrorising all my relatives.

We hid in a room, then as we look outside the window,
2 apparent good wolfs beheaded it.

It was pretty gruesome.

Anyone know what it means?
Really need some help here.

Or are there numbers you could give me so I can run down to the nearest Magnum,4D and Toto?

Prease?

X

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Why I'm imperfect....and it's okay.

Nowadays, we often notice the need to be uber-skinny, to be modelisque, to be perfect to blend into this superficial society. We notice on medias such as the TV, magazines etc the need to be perfectly shaped to find love, to get your way in life, to have the best life.

I, being the most imperfect of all, beg to differ that trying to starve yourself to fit into the current craze of skinnyfanatic phase is not cool. In fact, its uber-lame.

There is no such thing as being thin to be accepted and loved and adored.

That is PURE bollocks.

I actually feel pretty sad for those who are not given the chance of savouring the goodness of food that has to offer.

So what if you're skinny? You're skinny to get rich men - who in turn has alot of money to find alot of other skinnier and hotter girls - who in turn dumps you for Miss 36D. The competition just goes on and on and on and there is no end as to how perfect you can sculpt yourself to be before you can finally find your trophy partner.

Ah yes. Trophy partners. The root of all evil. EGO. Everyone has ego I have to admit. Just that some people's egos are bigger than Manhattan itself. It is ridiculous to find someone who is hot and what not, but has a brain of a pea, or worse a heart of Tin-man from Wizard of Oz ergo, she/he has no heart.

Let me tell you from my humble experiences of watching my friends torturing themselves to fit into this 'perfect world' where the 'perfect man' exists.

They starve themselves to be size 0. They lost their appetites, waist line, along with their principals and morals. They get hooked up with really good looking men who are the envy of all other girls who hangs out with the same clique. The guy, obviously, who is extremely goodlooking/rich/well endowed in the lower region, gets the monthly-itch to stray. WHY? Because there will always be someone hotter than you are. Then you're left broken-hearted, doubting yourself that you're not good enough/pretty enough/ energetic enough in bed, yada yada yada. I hear these things all the time. It's like I'm Aunt Agony. I should get paid to do this shit man.

It's not that I condone obesity. Obesity on the other hand is unhealthy. You die early. Full stop. But starving yourself to look hot for your mate is, wrong.

Frankly, I've always been a size 12-14 (weight fluctuates according to my moods), and I haven had any problems to find a guy who is truly amazing (albiet not as good looking as the ones shown on magazines) but is one who is a keeper. Yes, I have had hot guys before (yes, its surprising for my Size14 figure) but all they are thinking is about their looks, what calories are going into their body when they breathe, bla bla bla bla. Is there any end to this insanity? Are there no other topics on this plane to be spoken about except your throbbing six-packs? I find it outrageously offputting.

I really find it peacing that if I could just sit down for a meal, ONE TIME, and tuck into my KFC without hearing, "once on your lips, forever on your hips". Well, if you want the truth from the horse's mouth, FUCK YOU. I don't give a shit. As long as my diet does not ONLY CONSIST of KFC, MARRYBROWN and HAGENDAAZ, and as long as I don't fall into the category of OBESE, UP YOUR SKINNY ARSE, FUCKERS. But I'm not always this crude. So inturn, I would only say, " Oh ok, you don't eat that fat-infested fried chicken then. It'll kill you, and your perfect skin too. Let me take the fall for you okay?"

Why do girls have to starve themselves to be waif thin so that BOYS, I mention boys, because MEN have better things to think about other than skinny twigs. I really don't understand? Is it that important to be on the arm of someone hot, so other people can envy you? Is that your ulterior intention? So other people can watch you with their green eyes and hope to God that they could be as perfect as you?

Right, I know I don't have the rights to criticise people who are trying to improve themselves. Ok, I'm sorry. But I really hope you nice people (and by nice I mean those whom I talk to) really take a step back and re-evaluate your goals in life. It should be "meet someone who loves me and my love handles" instead of "meet someone so hot my neighbour is so jealous of me".

But alas, there are still people on this planet who regards highly of their waistlines. Hence that is what makes the world go round. People of all sorts. That's what makes everything interesting. Imagine if everyone was the same. All skinny or all fat. Everything would just be MUNDANE and BORING. Like, cereasly. I am glad there are waif thin babes out there. They just give us the motivation to stop eating the 5th fried chicken and try to go on the tread mill for once. I'm glad there are magazines like VIVI - because we can try to doll up like those japanese babes even tho we're size 14.

And the truth is, even if you're not skinny, there will always be guys to love you. That is a true story. I am fat. But I never had a problem finding a guy who loves me insanely. The trick is to actually know yourself. Look into the mirror. You're not Angelina Jolie. So don't go looking for a Brad Pitt. Go for someone your own status. Someone who is as imperfect as you. That way, you wouldn't feel the pressure to have to upkeep yourself constantly in case he stops loving you. And again, truth betold, if he loves you, he loves you for everything. There is no such thing as him loving you if you're skinnier or prettier. SERIOUSLY. The greater the expectation, the greater the disappointment. And lord knows that humans don't take disappointments too well. Live life a little simpler, and it will be a breeze for you. This simple theory goes for every aspect of life as we speak. Like for instance your qualifications. If you're not an Oxford Grad, don't even think of applying to high-end jobs because they only look for the best. If you're not the best, don't try to act like you're the best, because you'll soon realise that it's too tiring to be anything except yourself.

Like a friend of mine, John says, "If you have it, don't be too happy. If you don't, don't be upset. Because you come into this world with nothing, and you wouldn't leave with anything".

This is true for everyone. If you're not a size 0, don't be upset. There are loads of people who still treasure you for you. And there are people who WANTS to love you, and truly wants to give you the love that you DESERVE. If you're a size 0, found your prince charming, and he treats you like a Queen, then good for you. You are truly the luckiest cream of the crop. But if not, tough shit man.

Ladies, if your man really loves you for who you are, treasure him. If he doesn't, burn his car.

Guys, if you really love her, don't ask her to change a bit. Because you're just mind-fucking her into insanity.

Why I'm ok being imperfect you ask? I don't know really. I just feel, happy the way I am. Of course I wouldn't go OTT and gain like 20 kilos from my current weight. I just hope this message gets through to all the lovely ladies out there. Because you're truly amazing the way you are, size 0 or size 28. Really. If you don't give men the power of choosing the best, they wouldn't treat you like dirt, or make you feel the need to puke your lunch out.

X

Random Text messages

Ah, just cause my phone told me that it is 95% full of messages and that I should delete some, only have I realised that I have not deleted my messages in like, 2 months!

That is how sad my life is, I do not get enough text messages :(

Anyhoos, as I was scrolling through my phone book, I realised there were so many random messages from people.

Just to share the love with the world.

This is the gospel word of Jo.

-"You're the first I ask. Haha."

-"Er ge rest for a bit. Hows your party so far?"

-"Mei mei, what are you doing now? Cupcakes ready? smile!"

-"Will fetch you around 9ish, can give me the directions again after I turn left after the cemetery? Lolz" - now everyone knows I live near a graveyard!

-"It was so lovely to hear your voice, I was crying I wanted you to be here with us. We had a lovely day with the family just going to clares for our lunch and to see Finley's toys. Love you, best wishes to your family xx" - aw Grandma Betty, I miss you too!! xxxxx

-"I am light! Haha. But sorry I can't go leh. Sun what you wanna eat?"

-"Past 11pm. Are you coming home? Tomorow got work!"

-"I am so blur, wrong person oopsie! SORRY!"

-"Then you better tell him, cos he only listens to you!"

-"Is Stanford law school, Uni of London and Oxford brooke uni famous in UK?"

-"Don't fuck up your own function" - I can't believe my dad's so cool!

-"Roughly what time? We're planning to go QE2, Ladies night from 8.30 to 10.30!"

-"Yeah, I'm jealous. hahahaha."

-"Hey, are you engaged?" - WTF?!??!?!?!

-"Dad says you wanna cook steak for him?"

-"So did your enemy come? Who did you sit with?"

-"Ask your runner to go and check for me the price and everything. Your dad wants to break down already. He wants to return the dog cos he cant stand clearing the dog poop everyday!"

-"Mummy wants to buy for you a Toyota Vios. What say you?"

-"Jo, swim cancel. Buzy." - WTF? BUZY? hahaha.

-"Yes, Then later you help me to go downstairs to take from my husband. The round table got cake. You eat already anot?"

-"Ann, remember to feed Rose and Sergeant in the evening. Koko fed them breakfast already. Thanks"

-" OOh yes. I just got on the bus. I got a single seat right in front. So if got accident, I die first."

-"My face is all oily and sticky. Ugh. Need fruity Bath. Are we still having marrybrown? :P"

-"Am good. Off to bed now. Goodnight lil Jo!"

-"Jo, you got hairdryer anot?"

-"Hey apek!"

-"YEsterday I order nasi lemak, nasi lemak habis. Order mee goreng, mee goreng pun habis. Then I said KAN NI LAO BU...!!!!! He said: Sorry Boss!Kari Lembu pun habis...!@#!@%$@"

-"Don't dress up too nicely! I'm quite sloppy today!"

-"Did you get scolding?"

-"I miss you. I really do." - Wow. how random, since we broke up like. 3 years ago.

-"Love you too sis. Why people carry file you carry water bottle? hehe" - wtf -_-

-" Sis, where are my burgers?"

-" Ah nce, I'm on my way back to sg at petrol station at the moment wanted to ask you out for a drink earlier la"

-"If thats the case, how can I say no?"

-"Miss Khoo, free for drink? I'm done with dinner already!"

Yeah, so this is my ever boring life. So appreciate yours!

X

My Christmas party

So my mum went on a cruise this weekend,
I was left alone with the house.

Of course my dad, Keith and my maid were around.
But thats not important.

The most important part of it is,

I had my XMAS PARTY!

It was a potluck party, everyone brought food.
you get the idea.

I was in charge of Nuggets, which coincidentally, Bing brought wedges and nuggets too!

It was a good time to actually celebrate Tong's 23rd birthday as all our friends were around!!!!


Me, Jeremy and Jiaxin


Good thing NC came earlier.

Thank you for the lovely M.A.C lipglosses and falsies!
I feel extremely guilty not getting you something more expensive!!!!!


xxxxxxx


Tong made fried beehoon, NC and Jun bought drinks and icecream.


It was so nice of Jess to come by,
so sad to hear that you were sick.

So sad to hear that Habib was a WANKER.
you should kick him in the balls the next time you see him.

Then it was time to bring out the cake(s)


HAPPY 23rd BIRTHDAY TONG!!!!!!

Big boy now, have a great one!

(his birthday is on the 2/1 but since everyone was there that day, I took the opportunity to celebrate it)


My colourful blob of mess.
But it tasted lovely tho!

Buttercream frosting cupcakes!
man I'm good!


I think he was pretty happy :)

Thank you for being the best friend anyone could ever have!!!!!
xxxxxx


Nc is so sexayyyyyyy.


Jack, Jun and Sing.
Jun looks extremely angry with his wing.
I think his shirt looks pretty pissed off too.


Tong just had to spoil our cam-whore session.


Law, law and law!


Ernestine, Me, Jess sweetiepie and NCxxx posing under the Xmas tree!


Me and one of my oldest friends around.
Have known him for 15 years and counting!
Same school bus, same class (p.1-p4), we stay in the same area!!

It was amazing knowing you :)


Me playing a few numbers for the crowd.
And if everyone didnt know,
I have my mastery of piano.
I finished Grade 8 and I am kick ass at playing love ballads.

Hee.

Classical is an EPIC FAIL for me.
-_-
sigh.


Tong and goodfriend, Bing.
I think I can see your nosehair all the way from here, Bing.


Our group photo :)


Great friends together :)

It was an amazing party.

Thank you everyone who came and made it possible to happen!

LOVE YOU ALL LOADS!!!!

XXXXX

Friday, December 26, 2008

Whities Tighties



Fran (in white) : Oih ZOE! Your panties come out d larh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Navi (in pink) : Ah yoh! for the Love of Sihkism, cover your woman hole! !@#%Q^&&!%@&

Chris (in yellow) : My god. Is it going to run out and get us? The unspeakable has been unleashed!!!!!!!

Lin (in maroon) : ha.ha. I see your whities tighties.

Chris : I'm scared. I need my pillow.

Fran : TNSCCB. FAI DEET COVER KOI!

Navi : Mak-oih, this girl is WILD!

Lin : ha.ha. Zoe wears whities tighties.

Zoe : What's going on man? What's wrong with whities tighties? I need to pee.

Fran : For the LOVE OF FALSIES ZOE, I COMMAND YOU TO STOP FLASHING your lady bits! You're only 8 and you've followed my footsteps!

Chris : I think I see feelers poking out of her whities tighties *whimpers*

Navi : ah yoh!!!!!!!! Why this girl refuses to keep her legs shut? Fran, your sister like to sit kang kang ke?!?!

Lin : Do I spot.................little pink flowers on her whities tighties? *squints*

Zoe : I think I pooped in my whities tighties.

Fran : For the goodness of M.A.C, close your legs, or no more dancing Hello Kitty for you, young lady!

Chris : I think I might pass out from hyperventilation.

Un-Hexed

Argh, it's saturday and I have to be at work.
I'm so tired its not funny.

What's even worse is that I couldn't party all night last night with Chloe when she came back from KL. I had friggin bloody work.

WORK WORK WORK.
I feel like a chicken going cluck cluck cluck.

Overworked and underpaid.

This is pure bollocks.

I feel like a battery operated bunny.
Just that my batterys are some chiplak china brand ones and not energizer.

I had to drag my sorry ass out of bed to poop and what not this morning - all with eyes closed.
Came to work with eyes closed as well.
I really wonder how I stumble through life this far?

It was amazing seeing Chloe again last night, after like 6 months.
The last time she came to visit me was during my birthday party.

Eh, how come this time we didn't get into trouble har?

Remember the last 2 times we got into MAJOR trouble it wasn't even funny?

This picture does not do enough justice as to how drunk we were.

We were cerealsly OTT.

It was insane I tell you.

Everything just sort of, went crazy.

Then I started praying to the mirror checking myself out in the mirror.

The whole night ended me throwing up on Val's wall [and bed]
(it was her 21st birthday back then),
rolled down to the floor and under the chair, then threw up some more,
then the Block guard came into our room and enquired why we were so noisy on the ground level (the guard post was like 6 steps away) and she got to first handedly see the bloody puke massacre.

It was an amazing night.

I woke up together with Chloe, wondering why there was a string of Udon-noodle hanging on the side of my face.

Apparently my boobies fell out in the midst of the whole fiasco.

It's okay tho, my boobies are great.

And everyone had so much fun trying to get my boobies back into my bikini!
Woo!

We all nearly got kicked out of our accomodation for illegally bringing in rum.

Hence, now, I am allergic to barcardi rum.
Any shot of rum and I would re-live what happened like, 4 years ago.

Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

Ok, situation 2.

When we were in Inti, every Thursday night was Ladies night, Ghetto Heaven at Zouk back then.
Now, I'm not so sure, because I have unfortunately been relocated back at Ulu Johor, and I have zilch night life.

Ok, Ok.

So, every Thursday night, I would sneak out of campus (well we didn't have to sneak, I had cos my mum would call and make spot checks to see if I was still alive).

We'd all get into our friend, Andre's car (cos it was a pretty Rexton),
and go all the way from Ulu Nilai to Bandaraya KL.
(bloody hell I made myself sound like a kampung makcik)

Anyhoos.

I guess our designated driver had a little too much to drink


and he was so drunk, he didn't see the police road block up ahead.

I, being the sober one "lucky one" was sitting in the passenger seat, so I had the first view of everything coming our way.
I tell you, it was as if the time stopped, and everything was just going slow-mo.
I screamed at him because we were driving INTO a road block.
(it didn't help alot since he was partially deaf)

like this.

(roadblock)
|
| (policeman standing here)
| \ (this is our car's direction)
(dis is d line f cars q-ing up 4 d rd blck) |
|

Right, I know it's really stupid of me to try and describe the whole damn situation to you, but just try to imagine the whole scene with this little sketch I've done out of lines.

So, long story short, we nearly killed that policement standing there,
so Andre had to swerve the car to the right, which caused the abovementioned policeman to jump to the other side of the road to avoid being run over, and he himself nearly got run over just by jumping onto the other lane.

It was a terrible night.

Thank god there was another car of friends who passed by, and my dearest Chloe told me to get into the other car so I did not have to go to the police station with everyone else.

HAAAAAAAAAa.

I thought I was going to die.
like, cerealsly man.

I swore never to take Andre's car again
(sorry bro, but once is enough!)

After that, thank god he was the Ambassador's son,
everything was ok.
(hey, it's malaysia right?)

But really, thank god, no one was hurt, my conscience would like, eat me alive.

*phew*

So after all these incidences, Chloe and I have agreed that we're both jinxs when we're put together.

We sort of just, HEX each other you know?

However last night was an exception.

There was music involved,unintended wedgies, alcohol, men, cam-whoring, and loads of laughing.

SO WHY NOTHING HAPPENED?

Have we grown up?!

Has Hell frozen over?!

I went back home in one piece!
(though still slightly intoxicated, I immediately fell asleep)

HMMMMMMMM.

Oh yeah, Chloe, btw, my mum was fast asleep on the couch when I got back.
Apparently I was the earliest to get home!!!!!
She totally didn't smell my beer and ciggy breath man.
Thanks for your Dentyne.






I can't believe you're so red when I've drunk more than you!
Plus I stepped out of the house with NADA make up!


This is totally weird man.

Oh ya, Chloe, the rest of the pictures were sibeh uber-paikuah ugly.
I think we both thought we looked pretty cool last night in the pics, but we were wrong.

I guess it was the alcohol speaking.
-_-''''''

So, right.

Let's hope my party goes well today.
Have to go home after work and start cracking on it.
Pretty worried how my C.Cs will turn out man.

X

Weird Gifts

Know someone hard to shop for? Are you sick of looking for something they'll actually like? Why not try something sure to confuse them instead? These 15 strange goodies will be great ways to throw off the preconcieved gift ideas people already expect from you.

Weird Gift 1:
Squirrel Feet Earrings

Know someone completely morbid? Maybe someone who hates rodents? Well, I'm sure there's someone on your list who would like genuine, freeze-dried squirrel feet earings. Please don't ask me where they get the feet, I sincerely don't want to know. Of course, if you do buy these for someone, you might want to make sure you don't spend too much time with them afterwards. After all, buying earrings for someone doesn't mean you ever want to be seen with the person wearing them.

Weird Gift 2:
Fetus Cookie Cutter

Who doesn't love eating fetuses? Oh yeah, pretty much everybody. But for the handful of weirdos who love them, be it weird punk rockers or pro-life fanatics, this fetus cookie cutter is just what the clinic doctor ordered. It's only $10, making it the perfect price for any total weirdo in your life.



Weird Gift 3:
LED Xmas Tree or Menorah

Here's a great way to merge old Christmas traditions with modern day technology. Just pop a battery into this cute little LED Christmas tree and watch the motherboard light up its lovely flashing LED lights. It may be a little small to put presents under, but with the recession this year, that may be all the space you need. The LED Menorah is also pretty cool.

Weird Gift 4:

The Hand Window Sign

Know someone who loves to express themselves with their hands? “The Hand” will help them say it all when they're on the road. I know you're probably thinking of one particular hand gesture that may get you shot if you're in the wrong part of LA, but there are plenty of other things you can say with your hands, like “peace,” “hang ten,” or “live long and prosper.” Funny how they're mostly all the opposite of your naughty hand gesture isn't it?


Weird Gift 5:
Self stirring mug

Why worry about spoons and swizzle sticks when you can have a mug that does all the work for you? At the push of a button, your sugar, cream, booze and any other additions to your coffee can be blended in with this great Self-stirring mug. These are great for exceptionally lazy geeks, women with fused-wrists, spoon-phobic men and all kinds of other strange niches of people you probably don't really have in your life.


Weird Gift 6:

Gun Alarm Clock:

If you love Duck Hunt, or know someone else who does, you'll appreciate this sweet gun alarm clock. It's definitely an effective way to wake up, just shoot the target to get the alarm to stop ringing. Besides the whole wake-up factor, it's just really fun to play shoot things. (Buy here)

Weird Gift 7:

Fundies (The Underwear Built For Two)

Some couples share everything. For the people who won't accept that there is such a thing as too much intimacy, there is Fundies. Underwear for two, is a great gift for those annoying couples who are pretty much joined at the hip anyway. You never know, maybe getting a gift like this will make them realize how clingy they've been, and hopefully, they won't be so damn annoying anymore. It could just be the gift that keeps on giving. (Buy here)



Weird Gift 8:
Enema Bag Jewelery:

Nothing says "I love you" like a pin displaying an enema bag and an accompanying butt -of course, maybe that's because it doesn't say "I love you" at all. In fact, to me it seems to say "you're a pain in the butt that needs to be flushed out." But hey, if that's what you're looking for in a relationship, who am I to judge? What you do with your loved ones and your tush is your business. (Buy here)


Weird Gift 9:
Radio Controlled Tarantula:

Little boys love two things, toys that scare or annoy their sister and gross things. Why not give them an all in one gift combining the two joys for them? A radio-controlled tarantula is just the thing for scaring siblings and exploring just how fun huge spiders can be. (Buy here)



Weird Gift 10:

Decapitated Teddy Bear Lamp

I gotta admit, this is probably the only thing on this list I actually would want. This teddy bear lamp is cuddly and functional and it would match my decapitated bear USB drive. Now that's some awesome style. He certainly would light up my life -and yes, that pun was intended.



Weird Gift 11:
Kids Tattoo Maker:

Do your kids love tattoos? Do they think needles are fun? Then they're sure to love this GR8 TaT2 Maker toy that will train them for their future jobs requiring no education or real life experience. Not that tattoos or tattoo artist are a bad thing, not by any means, but is this really something you need to get your kids into early?



Weird Gift 12:
Knitted Frog Dissection:

If you love biology, but hated all those dead little animals, you'll love this cute little knitted frog. All the organs are in place for your dissecting pleasure, although I don't recommend actually removing them. You can unpin him from the background and cuddle your dead amphibian friend through, which makes him more of a lover than a science project.



Weird Gift 13:
Nothing

Ever been so mad at someone that not giving them a gift seems to be an understatement? They might just think you forgot or couldn't afford to get them something. No, nothing says you intentionally left them out like the gift of nothing. Show them exactly how much they mean to you, give them the gift of nothing.

Weird Gift 14:

A Smoker's Umbrella:

No one likes to stand in the rain alone, yet smokers everywhere are constantly forced to smoke outside. So what's a smoker to do when it's raining and they just have to get their puff on? The Smoker's Umbrella is the ultimate solution for cigarette lovers who are caught in the cold. The kit comes with an ash tray attachment and an adorable cigarette-styled carrying case.

Weird Gift 15:

The P Mate:

Freud would be proud. Now women can pee like men. That's right, women everywhere can experience the joy that is standing up while going #1. What woman wouldn't love the experience that comes from the P Mate? Oh yeah, most of them -particularly the girlie girls. While these would be useful for women who go camping a lot or marathon runnings, nothing says “I'm a total freak and I think you are as well,” than giving the woman in your life a fake penis to pee with.


Go visit www.inventorspot.com for more wacky gifts!


X