- When your boss asks what you’re doing while you’re doing something other than work, the word ‘Nothing’ will never save you.
- When putting a customer on hold in order to give the phone to your manager, actually put them on hold. Don’t hold the phone to your chest and ask, "Can you help this lady? She’s really annoying." Yeah. She will still hear you.
- Just because you’re married to a girl doesn’t mean she won’t punch you in the face while taking a peek at her in the shower.
- Never play videos of hungry, distressed kittens to a female cat. She thought I was sitting on and squishing kittens, and bit me to get me to stand up. She’s still suspicious of me.
- When you park your car and notice a strong smell of petrol, before panicking and calling your father (who is a mechanic) check to make sure you are not parked next to a petrol station –_–
- Always check your shoes before putting them on. Sometimes your cat has been lavishly sick in one of them.
- Spell check does NOT catch the missing ‘r’ when you email your wife that "I spent the day under the car with a greasy wench."
- If you’re a chunky girl, and you lock your keys in your house, do NOT assume you will fit through your small bedroom window. You will get stuck, and the fire dept. will send only the hottest firemen to pull your butt out. Then you get to watch said fireman hop his sexy little butt through the same window to unlock your door for you.
- When you have a curious 6 year old girl in the house, do NOT leave your razor out in the open, otherwise you will find her three hours later with both eyebrows shaved off and school pictures the next day.
- When trying to complement your girlfriend tell her that she is prettier than her sister not her sister is uglier than she is.
- If you have dogs, keep you bathroom trash lid very secure. They can smell food, fear, and that time of the month.
- If your neighbour offers to give you a haircut, politely but firmly insist on deferring it until you are both completely sober.
- Squeezing fresh lemon juice is a great way to discover all the little cuts on your hands you didn’t know you had.
- When standing in your dimly lit bathroom, make sure the "bug" in your sink is NOT your wife’s diamond earring before you flick it into the drain.
- If your girlfriend is good in the sack. Telling her she can go pro is not considered a compliment.
- A declawed cat still has teeth.
- When bringing a chick over for the first time, when you bring her into your room make sure your desktop picture isn’t still the LAST chick you brought home.
- If your 3-yr-old is carrying the cat towards the kitchen muttering "kitty needs a bath," it’s really best to see what she’s planning. Especially if you have a dishwasher.
- When seeing a fellow officer of the opposite sex in public and out of uniform.. NEVER say in front of their spouse.. "you look so different in clothes".
- never say ‘take whatever you want’ to an ex over the phone as she is moving out, because you WILL come home to an empty house.
- When it comes to pooping, if it feels like an emergency, it’s probably an emergency.
- Always tip the pizza guy (or gal) well. They know where you live… and you can’t prove they did it.
- When preparing spahgetti for a first date, make sure the cooking wine you use in the sauce is NOT vinegar.
- The person shaking you awake is not the murderer from your dream. Do not punch him in the face.
- When visiting your significant other to engage in intimate behavior, ensure all the windows are completely closed. You never know who is outside to applaud your performance.
- Ladies: If you’re going to the beach it is always a good idea to trim up your bikini line. However, it is NEVER a good idea to do this the day of your trip. Especially if said trip is your honeymoon. Because apparently saltwater and freshly shaven skin do not mix well.
- When walking in public and you think a spider MAY be in your shirt make sure it’s not just your shirt’s tag before screaming and throwing off said shirt.
- When walking down the stairs in a movie theater always make sure to watch the stairs not the movie.
- "all the beer you can drink" is not a challenge…
- When washing your face never try to rinse it by throwing the water onto your face like in the commercials, you’ll get water on everything but your face.
- Chocolate Milk does NOT make Chocolate Cottage Cheese.
- A black cat will in fact crawl through a 4 inch gap in a car window, curl up in your black overcoat, and wait like an assassin until you pick up said coat and take a few steps before scaring half the life out of you.
- When watching Toy Story, do not say "I had a woody once."
- If you are doing electronics with your dad, and he says: "don’t touch that, it’s live" then NEVER touch it.
- You should know that Chinese restaurants probably don’t have bowls of butterscotch pudding for your kids on the buffet, that is HOT mustard.
- Be very careful when doing your homework late at night. ‘Erotic’ looks a lot like ‘Exotic’ in the spell check if you don’t look carefully, and your teacher will not be impressed if you submit an assignment mentioning ‘erotic food’.
- When you find out your BF is dating you ONLY because you share a name with his favourite video game character, it’s time to go.
-  When picking up a dark object in the bedroom at night, consider that it might be a black cat.  Picking up a black cat by the head is not a pleasant experience for either party.
- The answer to "Do you think I can sing?" is never "lol".
- If you’re cooking pasta and you dump the boiling water into the sink prior to straining it, but find the sink is clogged. Catch your instincts before you automatically reach in to try to remove the obstruction.
- Never accept the offer to hold your friend’s newborn right after he’s been fed, especially when you are wearing a new outfit. And did you know babies can explode from both ends at the same time?
- When scaring your little brother while he’s coming up an elevator, make sure it’s not the old lady living next door.
- NEVER say "Oh the warm salty goodness in my mouth" while eating McDonald’s frenchfries while your boyfriend is in the car, you will never live it down.
- When discussing your wife’s birthday present, don’t mention you got it at a 7-11 at 11:30 the previous night, even if she loves it.
- Even if it will make child care easier, never ask your mother to move in next door to you.
- While in a public bathroom, do not giggle at the lady in the stall next to you because she is having an explosive movement, you might find that you are out of toilet paper and now need to ask her for some.
- Sometimes a $5 haircut looks like you only paid $5 for a haircut.
- When your parents stay at your new apartment, giving them fresh sheets is not only courteous, it helps you remember to remove your sex toys from the bed.
- When you’re helping your dad in the garden and he says "Get me the hoe," you shouldn’t call your mom over.
- No matter how well you think you know your own bathroom, always pee with the lights on. Memory alone can’t tell you whether the cover is up or down.
- Always, always, check identity before grabbing your "girlfriend’s" ass from behind. You might get a hand full of a body builder’s 34 year old wife. If you do, immediately yelling "OMG, I thought you were my 20 year old girlfriend!" can save your life.
- When working at a pet store and cleaning the aquariums, don’t send your boyfriend a text on your break telling him how soaking wet you are. He’ll just pick you up from work with expectations.
- When telling your mother-in-law that you and your wife are expecting triplets, never say "I’m so excited for our little threesome!"
- When trying to do the helpful thing by cleaning up a dead squirrel you found on the road, always use a shovel, not your bare hands. Just because the squirrel looks dead doesn’t mean it is.
- If you find an unknown bra in your laundry, under no circumstances ask your girlfriend if it might be hers…
- Try to remember the major events in your friends’ lives, even those you don’t see often. Otherwise you risk asking your old pal how her fiance is doing, and being informed that he is, in fact, "still dead".
- A fuzzy blanket and a cat may feel very similar when in a dark room. Blankets however, does not have sharp claws.
- Make sure that after you finish a long run, the fence you’re about to lean on isn’t electric. Unless you want know what a heart attack might feel like.
- On a hot summer day never wear a low-cut shirt into a pen full of goats. You see, goats like the taste of sweat, and given the chance, will shove their heads down your shirt and lick between your boobs… in full view of your family
- Don’t use hand sanitizer before you cuff your cigarette to light it… your hand WILL light on fire.
- When the packet says "sprinkle over the chicken" do not roll the drumstick in the spice and give it a complete coating. There is such a thing as too much spice.
- If your bro-in-law separates from his wife and says they are getting a divorce, do not try to make him feel better by saying "You can’t make a housewife out of a whore" because they might get back together, making holidays awkward.
- Make sure not to drop your keys in the little space between the floor and the elevator, it is a long way down.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
porn stars and strippers
sex appeal, superficial beauty
little girl wake up and see
you're nothing if you don't grow up to look like Barbie
the modern symbol of femininity
ladies: starve your body
feed your anxiety
we recieve those messages
too loud and clear
liposuction and boob jobs
suck it in, stick 'em out
give in to envy and self doubt
spend your life savings on cosmetic surgery
paint yourself unrecognizable
make sure you glow
from head to toe
your health is always compromisable
nail polish, lipstick
try this beauty trick
make up, miracle creams
try to be the woman of men's dreams
make sure your teeth are perfect
or you'll never be able to forget
that you aren't good enough
and you aren't made of the right stuff
keep trying to look like her
see how much abuse your body can endure
for the sake of superficial beauty
desire isn't blind
so you can't have peace of mind
you're repulsive compared to the woman over there
so lose weight, put make up on, dye your hair
so says the mirror on my wall
so many products, I've tried them all
and still there's no getting away
from the pressure of looking attractive today
this is how women are made to feel
society has a wound that will never heal
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
At this moment in time, slitting my wrists will be the right thing to do.
But I will not do so.
I have too much to live for, such as fried chicken.
They have no comments, they don't think I'm not good enough for them, they allow me to be with whoever I want and have no opinions about that, they require me to have just enough responsiblities to purchase them.
My heart actually hurts. I wonder if it's a sign that I'm going to break down soon?
We shall see.
I am not your punching bag. I do things for your out of love and concern for you. I don't owe you any fucking thing.
Fuck that shit. It hurts to be unappreciated for all the effort you've put in just to make their day better. From now on, you're on your own, buddy.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
fuck me dead. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
I am officially terrified of going to work. There is a mentally deranged man working 2 doors away who waits for me at my office door every morning.
He asks for my number everytime I walk past his shop to go to lunch (that is the only way to go to lunch), and he doesnt take no for an answer! So everytime he asks I will have to say, next time next time, hee hee ha ha, (then quickly walk back to my office).
Has he not seen my boyfriend? Has he not seen my brothers. Has he not seen the several other guys that pick me up (platonic relationships I swear)? WHY DOES HE STILL BOTHER ME??
He leers at me with his beady eyes and waits at the gate and watches me walk up the stairs upskirt la of course. When I'm wearing jeans he doesn't bother looking up. But then I guess thats all men. Subtlety is a different matter.
Usually I'm the first one to arrive (I don't really liek to be late) so I'll have to open the doors. Today, I had to wait for someone to arrive to walk up with me. I was in the car, terrified. Mum was terrified too. She told me that he tried making small talk with her before, and he was also trying to look down her top! FUCKING BASTARD.
I can't really report to police can I, hes working a few doors away and he just stands around and leers and oozes that eerie feeling that he's a psychopath in the making. He's not really intruding my personal space, just that I feel so uncomfortable. And my heart pounds (not in the good way) when he is near. I am terrified that he will rape and kill me, or the other way round. FUCK ME DEAD literally.
What does he want? You may ask.
This is what he wants (probably) :
a few meals.
happily ever after?????
rape/murder/sadistic stuff/ bdsm/ etc etc etc.
I DON'T KNOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
Damn you F cup breasts. Damn you to hell. Now I'm really going to die because of you.
someone told me should be happy lor, got market leh, people still want you.
KANINABU. WHY WOULD I BE HAPPY A MENTALLY DERANGED GUY WHO IS 40 AND PROBABLY SLEPT WITH A MILLION HOOKERS WANT ME? [if you say I look like hooker, I swear I will kill you and shove your guts into your mouth and pull it out through your ass].
Very happy meh? Someone like this likes you. I feel damn degraded lor. NIASENG.
Hai. God bress me preasee.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
I need long hair. It makes me feel more womanly lor.
HELP ME PREASEEEEEEEEEEEEEE :(
*Donations no matter how small will be widely appreciated!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Here's a sum of it.
- Handsome guy + Great personality + prince charming = SMALL DICK
- Handsome guy + money + asshole + jerk = BIG DICK BASTARD
- Ugly guy + Nice car + money = SMALL DICK
- Ugly guy + Great Personality = OK DICK (but variable)
- Average looking guy + average financial status + Average car = HUSBAND MATERIAL
- Average looking guy + nice car + money = BIG DICK (variable)
- Average looking guy + no money + no job + no car = BIG DICK
- Average looking guy + Muscular Body + average financial status = SMALL DICK
- Handsome guy + no money + nice car = AUNTY KILLER
- Cute guy + no money + works behind a bar = GREAT SEX
- Ugly + no money + no job + in jail = RAPIST/ROBBER
- Handsome + money + mysterious + in jail = MURDERER
- Handsome + money + car (variable) + charming = INSURANCE SELLER
- Tall + Skinny = LONG + THIN (variable)
- Short + stout = THICK
- Tall + Big = LONG + THICK (depending on race)
- Average height + average size = AVERAGE DICK. WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING?
- Short + skinny = WHERE THE FUCK IS IT?!?!
- Caucasian + Asian = AVERAGE DICK (variable depending on God's wish)
- Intelligent + High posted Job = SMALL DICK. He didnt have to sleep all his way up, did he????
- Poor man + rich wife = BIG DICK
- Rich man + hot wife = SMALL DICK
Sunday, April 11, 2010
(C) Raymonds Press Agency
Cancer boy ‘weds’ sweetheart before dying
Published 22 July, 2008, 14:55
An eight-year-old boy suffering from leukaemia ‘married’ his school sweetheart hours before succumbing to the disease, reports the UK’s Daily Mail. Little Reece Fleming fulfilled a dream by saying ‘I do’ to the love of his life in a mock ceremony before he died.
Brave Reece battled the lethal blood cancer for four years of his short life.
He had a list of ambitions he was determined to fulfil before dying, including a ride in a Ferrari, spending a day at a fire station and holding a pirate-themed party for friends. ‘Marrying’ his long-time school sweetheart Elleanor Pursglove was his last dream.
Reece proposed to Elleanor several times, and when doctors said he had only weeks left she answered ‘yes’.
Originally the couple planned to have a vicar present to guide them through their vows, but Reece's condition was getting worse quickly and they settled on a simple ceremony at the ‘groom’s’ home.
Reece was dressed in his favourite shirt while Elleanor was wearing a wedding dress.
“You can't really describe in words what it was like. Reece and Elleanor were both very quiet, but there was a lot of feeling in the room,” said Reece’s mother Lorraine.
Elleanor's mother Hannah was playing the role of vicar. The couple exchanged vows and rings and were even given a marriage certificate.
After the ceremony Reece was completely at peace, Lorraine Fleming said. That’s when he told his mother: “Mum, I can go now.”
The boy died the following day.
“Elleanor is missing him a lot. They were both really pleased with the ceremony. It was very special – he just kept smiling at her,” the girl’s mother said.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
FUCK IT HARD.
I went bra shopping today, and fuck me, I bought 3 bras and spent Rm234.00.
ok la, not so expensive.
BUT FUCK ME. I HAVE GONE UP 2 BRA SIZES FROM D TO F CUP.
FUCK ME DEAD.
WTF sia. WTFffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff.
Many people are saying. GOOD WAD BIG BREAST, PEOPLE WANT B CUP ALSO DON HAVE, YOU HAVE F CUP YOU COMPLAIN WHAT LANJIAO?
The thing is, everything i wear now, i have to wear it with a tube. or it'll be too slutty and seductive. There is no way i can pull a decent look with a working blouse without having the buttons bursting and the breasts inside the blouse screaming for dear life.
WTF sia. nothing else changed. WHY ARE MY BREASTS BIGGER. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYy.
I'm not complaining that badly la. But I've always envied those girls with smaller nen nens that could fit into low cut tops and dresses without people gawking at them. No this is not an insult or a sacarstic remark. HAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII.
But my bras are quite nice :D
Friday, April 9, 2010
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Having seen so many tv shows and how everyone gets married in vegas and how colourful and fun it is (without all the crazy formalities) it'd be a good spot for a honeymoon as well!
Oh well. Just a thought. :P
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
How to train your dragon.
So we were having a marrybrown dinner when she was on the phone to my bro.
"we're going to watch 'how to control your dinosaur' today!"
and i threw up my half chewed burger in her face.
the darndest things parents say!!!!!!!!!!