Showing posts with label Jo's How To. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jo's How To. Show all posts

Sunday, January 10, 2010

How to punish your BF the unconventional way

Fran was speaking to me this morning about punishing her bf 'hoho' - as we endearingly call him, cos he slapped her. But to his defense she slapped him first, so no body is rushing to the phones calling women's aid to ask them to come lock him up cos he's a wife beater.

But HOW do we punish him when our bf's tick us off? That is the ultimate question.

We aren't looking for conventional ways like... killing him, refusing sex, stop picking up his calls. BLA BLA BLA. These are all outdated oK! We must be modern like the times we're living in now!

Ok, i've brainstormed for 2 mins.

And here's how :

1) Make flyers and paste it everywhere.

Put his big face on an A4 paper and write this way - _____, giant dickhead/douchebag/asswipe/a-hole/knnbccb.

Then photo shop and dick, and paste it on his forehead. Then click print!

Staple and paste this on to anything you can get. If you're generous, spend some money to get kids to give your flyers out! :D

2) Shove a tomato or potato into his car exhaust.

You get the idea.

3) Lure him into bed.

And hand cuff him to the bed post, and leave him there for 30 hrs. That'll teach him a lesson to mess around with you.

4) Tell his mother that you're pregnant.

and then he pushed you down the stairs, so now you've just had a miscarriage. Tell her he did that because he didn't love you anymore and wanted to get rid of you.

Let's see how aunty kicks his ass.

5) Remove the batteries from the tv remote,

and glue it onto the ceiling fan blade. He tugs too hard, the whole fan comes down. If he's bright enough, he'll dismantle the blades and take it down.

OR

you can glue the tv on off buttons together so they don't move when pushed.

6) Porn stash.

Know where he keeps his FHM? ZOO? Playboy? Well glue all their sides together. Let's see how he tries to pry them open.

7) Glue all his cards together.

Driving license, atm card, creditcard, autopass, ANYTHING that he needs to use daily, glue them together. with ELEPHANT GLUE.

8) Glue his dick and balls together.

YEs i'm all about the gluing. It's cheap and effective ma! It's too bloody to cut them all off and you might go to jail big time for that.

If you're still angry after this, glue his lips together.

9) Cut off all the electrical appliances.

First cut off the tv, then the phone, the the computer and all the other mee-hoon wire cords, then the fridge (hohohohohohoho), then finally the main box switch (if thats possible).

10) Pour glue on his couch.

And on his stairs, and banisters. Toilet seats. Anything possible.

May be alot of work. but it's fun to watch the aftermath.

11) Soak his cpu in water.

Then put it back where it was and watch the fun again.

12) Buy lotsa crickets from the petshop

And set them free in his house! Pay back, and good karma for releasing life! :D It's also cheap!



Ok lah, thats all I got from 2 mins of brainstorming!

Have fun with your revenge!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

How to know if he's the one?

Inspired by my question posted on facebook (refer to post below), I decided to Google my answers (because you know, life's answers are ALWAYS found on Google, and mostly wiki).

Anyway, like the smart ass I am, referring to someone else's notions of how to know if he is the right man for you, here is what I've gathered from my fruitful research :

* He Listens to You. Before your man opens his heart to you, he has to first open his ears. "Genuine concern manifests itself in listening to the cares, concerns and issues of your woman," says Anthony Woodson, president and CEO of BlackLoveForever.com, a matchmaking service that has resulted in nearly 500 marriages. "A man who wants to be around you for the long-term will be a good listener when you need him. He will be a dependable source of guidance and support and will not turn a deaf ear simply because the problem is too big. If he doesn't know the solution, he will try his best to find one."

* There is a Natural Ease and Flow. Relationship experts say there is a natural chemistry that defines your interaction when you meet your perfect fit. "You don't have to push it, force it, tug it, pull it or cut the edges to make it fit," says Debrena Jackson Gandy, international speaker and author of All the Joy You Can Stand. "There is an undeniable ease and flow to the relationship. You can see it and others around you can as well."

* You Don't Have to Compromise Who You Are. A person who you have to change for isn't the person for you. "You should maintain and enjoy a continued, if not healthier, sense of self when you are with your partner," says Tandra McMurray, a 30-something Chicago single who has had her share of "Mr. Wrongs." "He should make you feel good about being you, while always encouraging you to be better. If a man doesn't feel good about himself, it will be hard for him to make you feel good about being you."

* You Trust Him. When you trust your partner, you open your relationship up to a world of possibilities. Without trust, the relationship can't grow and is likely to be doomed. "To trust a man is to believe that he is doing his best and that he wants the best for his partner," says Jel D. Lewis, relationship expert and columnist. "The secret to growing in trust is not to expect your man to be perfect." Maintaining realistic expectations is key to understanding your role and his.

* He Enriches Your Life. Being in love should have productive benefits for enhancing your quality of life. "Your Mr. Right should stretch your imagination and stimulate your desires," says Dr. Grace Cornish, spiritual psychologist and author of You Deserve Healthy Love Sis'. "He should, at all times and through all things, look out for your best interests. He should never compete with you because he knows what is good for you is good for him. A good man encourages and supports you professionally, personally and spiritually."

* He Pampers You. Not to be confused with spoiling, pampering is a celebration of womanhood, rather than pure indulgence of self. "Through his words and his actions, he shows you that you are different from any other woman in his life," says Woodson, whose matchmaking service, Black Love Forever, has more than 1,500 members. "He demonstrates, on a daily basis, that you are his queen. He caters to you. He cares for you. Whether he shampoos your hair, prepares your meal or massages your feet, he is demonstrating his affection and the privilege that it is to be in your life."

* Both of You Share Common Ground. Despite your religious background or affiliation, having a common and unified direction spiritually, socially, financially and economically creates cohesiveness. If you cannot agree on fundamental values, it is unlikely that you will go very far (and if so, not for long). It's not enough to simply be together. You must be willing and able to grow together.

* You Become a Part of His World. When you meet a man's parents, his children, his co-workers and his closest friends, you are getting a true glimpse of who he is, not just who he is when he is around you. A man who is serious about making you his partner will not only want you to be a part of his world, he'll create avenues of openness so that you can enjoy his world, his people and his interests.

* He Sacrifices For You. The right man will consider sacrificing for you an honor, not a burden. "When he is willing to give you what belongs to him, even before you ask for it, you know that he is serious about you," says Woodson. "It's not considered a 'sacrifice' when it's done with a good heart; it's an investment in the future of two people. Whether it's time, money or energy, a man will give what he has to the woman he wants."

*He understands.He always tries to see your side of things. This means that even if he's seen you get upset or cry about something a hundred times before, he still tries to calm you down and makes you feel better.

*He's happy around you. Smiles? Laughter? Excited to spend time with you and not his guy friends? Glad just to be with you? If he can't get enough of you, it's a sure sign that he's really attracted and in love.

*He takes care of you. Is he your own personal guardian angel? Does he baby you when you're sick and nurse you back to health? If the answer is 'yes', then it's a pretty sure bet you've got a good thing going.

*He asks for your opinion. He asks for your advice, considers it and may put it to good use. When important decisions are at stake concerning him, he doesn't just go ahead and decide on his own what he thinks is right.

*He's interested in what you want too. Let's say you're both watching television and you want to watch Desperate Housewives while he'd like to catch 24. You know how men are when it comes to the remote control! If he lets you watch your show of choice, not in a grudging manner, but because he wants you to be happy, you've got a winner. Give him extra points if he actually sits through it with you!

*He never judges you. You can pour out your heart to him, your greatest fears, biggest worries, and he is there patiently listening and never judging or telling you what you should do. He is always there to support you. However if he does not agree with your views, he would not condemn you, but try to understand why you feel that way about something.

I think these are the best, non-superficial, non-silly ones that I've read on the internet!


After having read through most of the information online, I just realised that my past relationship had alot of redflags that I blatantly ignored and hopefully he'll change. But you know, they'll never change. I wish I was smart and strong enough to out the relationship when I first discovered the red flags. Then I wouldn't have been the me now. I might be happier. But I wouldnt know, would I?

So tell me, what is it that you see in your other half that makes him 'the one'?

Sunday, December 27, 2009

How to live happily with your mother-in-law

I've seen lots of daughters in law who can't get along with their mother in laws and I can't blame either parties.

Mother in laws can be mean, and you, daughter in laws arent much better. It's like you've graduated from the University of Bitchyness! No wonder you guys can't get along! No one is perfect so stop victimising yourself and making everyone pity you!

Here are some surefire steps to ensure that you'll live happily ever after with your mother in law!


1) You can choose to move out.

That is if you and your husband can afford it. Real property prices are shooting up drastically and you and him already have the bank loans for the car. Are you sure you can afford to move out? If you can, by all means. And by all means means you'd have to eat sand dirt and grass for the next 35 yrs and have 3kids made out of cardboxes if you stubbornly decide to move out when you are already in debt!


2) Stop being so bitchy and demanding and listen to your mother in law.

She asks you to eat dirt, you eat dirt. There is no such thing as human rights when you're living with your mother in law. She is the law and the government. And opposition parties usually get murdered off. So, better be smart.

And you're probably spoilt when you were living with YOUR PARENTS, but things have changed now. You're no longer living in your own home have you? You've moved into new territory so tread carefully cos there are hidden landmines out there.

You can't have your way. Its bad enough that you have to take your own rice at home, but now, you have to clear up for others and also the whole table!

Do you know what wedding dowry means? That means, buying you off your parents so you can work for the in laws for ETERNITY.


3) Stop fucking around.

With the TV, in your room, with the father in law, your brother in law. Just stop fucking around when you're married. You now belong solely to your mother in law and your husband is only a puppet in this evil game.

Stop messing about. Stop hiding in your room when its dinner time. You should be around helping or at least preparing it.

Wash your own clothes, your own underwear. Wash the whole house. No one is your slave in this new house. Take the initiative to wash other people's clothes too, but pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee don't ruin them.


4) Stop bootlicking the father in law or just innocently flirting with him thinking you'll get a better life there.

That'll make you the ultimate slut. You want your husband and you want your life to be easier. Well guess what? You're wrong. You're totally barking up the wrong tree and even worse, make an old man lust after you. Snatching your mother in laws husband is what the whole neighbourhood will think of you when words get out. Always have minimal talk with the male counterparts of the family lest they think you're hitting on them.

Your mother in law is head of the household. If she owns the kitchen, she owns the whole house.


5) Be nice to your sister in law.

She is your gateway to slightly less torturous life in hell. It's about time you bribe her with everything you can. But make sure not to blackmail her. She is more evil than you think and she will most definitely wipe you out if she finds you a threat to her. Do not make your mother in law love you more than her. Because, like her mother the Empress Dowager, she will snipe you in your sleep.


6) Be nice - start early.

When you're dating there a few simple rules to remember :

- NEVER enter your bf's room alone with him when you're dating for the first few months. Always be in the living hall where your future mother in law will have good view of you and that you're a decent girl (which you obviously arent!) hahahahaha. mother in laws will have that bad impression that you're a whore when you go to their sons room the first few times you go round their place. They don't say it, but TRUST ME, they feel it, and tell their daughters too. So stay in the halll and make small chit chat.

- ALWAYS buy gifts when you go to your in law's house. Unless hes stopping for a pee or a change of clothes, there's always a need to get stuff such as fruits, wine, cookies for your mother in law. Goes to show you have manners and your mother has brought you up well.

- NEVER wear skimpily to your bf's house, or anything that screams WHORE!

- ALWAYS praise her cooking, house decoration, son and anything you can find. But don't over do it. Tastefully is the key word here. Women love being praised and its like an energy they feed off it.


7) Always agree with your mother in law - especially in front of people.

She is Empress Dowager. She will send snipes to kill you when you're asleep should you go against her, especially in public. Be afraid. Be very afraid.


8) Always greet her happily and loudly.

It's only common sense that Mother in laws like to see smiles when people are calling them. And they don't like being called 'ma' or 'mother' softly or having those words mumbled.

9) Serve your Husband like a King.

Not your father in law, Your husband. Your father in law is your mother in law's responsiblity. not yours. That's why she married him and not you. Do not make your husband YOUR SLAVE in front of his mother, no matter how much your husband loves you and wants to do everything for you. It will be disrespect for him and his mum. And she will kill you in your sleep knowing that her precious son is being treated like a slave when you ARE their family's slave to start off.


10) Learn to cook.

Your mother in law cant be cooking forever, and your new family can't be eating instant noodles and takeaways for ever. It's time to learn the family's tastebuds and take over the cooking role (gracefully, not by force). If your mother in law still wants to cook, help her in the kitchen. Never try to pry her away from her wok because inshahallah, she will clobber you to death with her 100yr old wok. If your cooking is bad, it is ok. But it is not ok, everyday for 6 months. You got to improve drastically everyday because every second is a ticking bomb in your new household.

11) Wake up early.

Every mother in law wants her daughter in law to be an asset, not a liability. So you can't sleep in anymore after you've married into the new family. You got to be up by 8am scrubbing the porch floors and making everyone breakfast. It's unfair I know when the sister in law sleeps till 2pm but thats life, and when she marries, and inshahallah into a simpler less tryannic family, she'll will get her fair share of living with the in laws.

12) Follow the Empress Dowager to the market.

Because you're her new slave and you should help out in the family.

13) No more staying out late.

You are someone's wife now. So no more partying with friends lest you want a bad impression on your mother in law that you're not ready to settle down and having grandkids.

14) Do not starve your kids.

These are for women who have kids and are living (or visiting) their mother in laws. No grandparents want to see skinny kids. NO ONE. So start feeding your kids lard so they look like mini-michellin men! Do this until your in laws pass away then you can start majoring dieting them into your desired shape and size.

15) Bite your tongue.

No matter how much you want to scream at your mother in law and tell her that shes a fucking old hag, zip it. Once its out you better prepare to move out - back to your mother's house.

So unless you're lucky enough to move out (which you HAVE to spare a room for your in laws incase they come to visit), then I'm sorry you're pretty much stuck with them!


Hope you find these pointers useful! and Good luck! HAHAHA


How to stop office gossip

This is how to stop office gossip (unless that person is your boss):

Works 100% of the time!



Good luck!