Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Dreams vs Reality

6 years ago, when I was 18, I had this pent up fantasy about the man I was to marry, how old I'd marry and how many kids I will have. I had my whole life planned out in front of me. From what kind of man he'd be and what house we'd be living in. My mum of course played a major role in my dream planning and had planted lots of seeds of unrealisticism in it.

Its all just a dream. It'll never happen in a milllion years in real life and still live to tell it (when its too good to be true, it actually really is.) Let me tell you why.

When I was 18 (my mum and) I had already planned that I would meet a wonderful Malaysian guy in UK and that we'd study together and then come back and work together then he'd propose with a ring as big as my fist. I'd also get married by 24 and have my first child when I was 26 and then wrap it up when I was 30.

He'd be tall, charming, a doctor or a lawyer, so much smarter than me, humorous and also chivalrous, and not forgetting disgustingly rich. You get the idea, the whole perfect package. He'd also be insanely in love with me and would do all the romantic things for me and give me surprises all the time. He would also drown me with pampering.

So far for that.

Along the way, I met so many different kinds of men. Of course I've also met the man that I had mentioned above. Rich, handsome, fit, highly educated, funny, bla bla bla.

You'd think that would be a happy ending for me. Well of course not, if it was I wouldnt be here writing this miserably boring post on my life.

It just didnt feel right. The chemistry wasn't there. I tried to over look it because he ticked all my boxes and liked me too. It was ok for a few months, but after that ..... it was just crap. It was more of an obligation for me to be with him. It became tiresome. Ok, you get the idea.

And as for me, I'd be a high flying corporate lawyer, wearing almost provocative suits to work and earning about 5 digits (by 24, because I think I'm so godamn smart and witty). I'd be slim by now and driving a BMW (downpayment sponsored by my parents of course). I'd move to the capital (KL DUH) to work and be away from the parents and finally have the freedom I yearn for. And of course i'd be the dream child that my parents dreamt of.

Guess where I am now.

I fell in love with a man who is tall, charming (only to me), not a doctor or a lawyer but still smarter than me (hopefully), unfortunately not disgustingly rich, actually not even remotely rich, not romantic at all and doesnt give me surprises unless I specifically hinted very obviously that I'd like to be surprised. And that sometimes he doesn't even do it. He gets on my nerves most times and has somewhat less than perfect table manners (but still bearable). He has a shoe size so big that Malaysia hardly caters his size. Its disapointing being unable to share my love for shoes with him. He is insensitive and just plain ignorant most times. The exact opposite of what I had dreamed of when I was 18.

And look at me. Sure I'm a barrister at law in England. That means jackshit if you're not called to the bar in Malaysia. Here I am, still struggling with my BM for the Xth time and still failing like a piece of shit. I am nothing in Malaysia. I'm only a clerk (its' either you're in the managerial position or the clericals). So. I earn less than a hard work labourer and I can't afford a vehicle. I am also currently and simultaneously coping with excessive weight issues which seems to get on my mothers nerves. Which loops me into the circle of imperfection, being her daughter. But thats another post for a more devastating day. Anyway. i'm struggling with weight issues due to the hormone imbalance that i've been bestowed with by the heavenly. oh the weight i put on when face with stress. Instead of being like a sea cucumber which squirts out its innards under pressure, I actually look like I've eaten several peoples' innards.

I don't own a car, I don't own anything. I wear provocative suits because i'm so fat that my breasts are bursting through the seams. I still live with my parents and thats the worst part. I'm still under their control even though i'm financially dependant. Here I am, not the golden child of my parents, perhaps the biggest disappointment in their lives. Not being to get a man of their preference, and not wanting to persue a career in Law (if it isn't obvious enough by now, I was co-erced into studying law and also tricked with false promises of many other things.). I have a figure of a an american hybrid potato and I can only wear things that are part lycra.

I will not get married this year, and I don't think I'll even be married by 26. I even suspect that I am infertile due to my irregular periods. I am overall an undesirable candidate for marriage, reproduction and the whole growing-old-together fiasco. I will only probably also have 1 kid (if god allows) because I saw how my family fell apart when my parents were trying to bring up 3 kids and sending them overseas (because you know, to them its so shameful to graduate locally. you'll just marry the same circle of poor people like they did).

My life is falling apart terribly and my mum seems to have such fun sending my ego to hell.

The only reason why i'm not slitting my wrists yet is because of the man I fell in love with 2 years ago. Sure he's not that highly educated. He's not disgustingly rich. He's nothing I've mentioned. But at least he shows promises of a slight happiness once I leave this home. He shows hope that I can again regain my self confidence of what a failure that I already am. He is the living proof that no one is perfect and that life still carries on. He is the sole reason that I have to carry on with my life when something bad happens.

There are no more dreams for me. Only cold harsh reality that got me re-evaluating my steps in life.

B, if you're reading this, don't feel bad that you weren't the guy I thought I'd be with when I was 18. I probably wasnt the best candidate that you found either so lets face it! we settled.

You gave me hope and hopefully, that is enough to tide me over the years. Happy 2 years B. I hope you know that I'll always stand by you.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

No such thing as a perfect relationship

Have you ever been with a guy that seemed too good to be true? He surprises you with flowers, picks you up from work and whisks you off to a dinner and make you order anything you want without flinching. He tucks you into bed and hugs you till you fall asleep. Gives you feet rubs from a whole day of shopping with his card and buys you chocolate when its that time of the month. Have you ever been with such a guy?

Neither have I.

Well, unfortunately, whatever they say about the whole 'no one is perfect' debacle is true. Its all horrifyingly true. Hey, I'm not perfect, but men don't go about dreaming about their 'princess in shining glitter' or happily ever after, do they? We, the more complex creatures spend about 97% of our time fixated on the korean and japanese dramas that we watch and blatantly dictate the soppy mens' persona into our lives and ALSO expect our men to do the same. OBVIOUSLY, they do not. It's all fictitious - these prince charming, knight in shining armour, chivalrous and what not. We get mad at how insensitive they are and why those korean and japanese men are, then we fall in love with the TV characters, when probably, in real life, they are equally as idiotic as our local men are.

Of course I have heard about women who talk on and on and on about how perfect their relationship is with the other half (usually for the first year). And it makes me ponder deeply (or either that my deflated ego is on self-defense mode and in intense jealousy) and summing up with 4 plausible reasons why they are portraying this happy image :

1) Ego

It's all about the ego. They do not want people talking behind their back and laughing/sneering/bitching at/about them. They want people to think they are this perfect couple and are happy, in which the fact is that they are not. People who are unhappy in the relationship AND also are egoistic will tend to portray that they are happy. I might be wrong, but I'm usually correct. Perhaps they want to prove to others that they did not make the wrong choice or maybe, they are just trying to protect their other half's dignity. Either way.

2) Ulterior motives

...of the men, not the women. When my close girlfriends come to me elated and giddy from the lurving, I step out of her happiness circle and try to analyse some facts. Why is she so happy? Why is he so nice? Why is my relationship not like hers? Perhaps its my jealousy mode acting up again (to prove that all men are jackasses) that makes me suspect that they are up to no good (I'm also usually right at the end of the day). My suspicion of course comes with a basis. You read about it on the papers how charming good looking men get together with the most fugly women on earth and swear they are in love with them bla bla, love of their lives bla bla yada yada. 2 months down the road, they're out of the picture and with 20 grand credit in their bank accounts.

Those bastards swindled the poor ladies out of their entire life savings. Which comes to an crucial point : If you're not hot, or remotely good looking, do not expect men that are out of your league to like you [referring to plain girls who go gaga over superjunoir-like groups and fantasise everyday about being Mrs superjunoir - haha- JOKING LAH]. If they like you, and act like angels, something is wrong. If they like you and still act like assholes, then they are normal. Its these good looks and amazing fake personalities that lull you into a false sense of security which in turn leads you into giving your heart and bank passwords to him. bastards.

Ok, maybe they are not out to get your money. MAYBE and just MAYBE they are cheating behind your back, and feel guilty about it, hence treating you extra nice, so you won't find a reason to kick their asses. But what they didn't realise is that we know when you are lying once you do something out of the norm. There's no such thing as 'just because it's nice to do something nice.' We know men too well to know that they don't take hints, or do anything romantic unless they want something out of you.

3) The 'Once in a while' Theory

So they treat you like a door mat 6 days out of a week. For those 6 days you YEARN every single minute that he becomes nice and gives you a break. Then on the 7th day he treats you to a nice pair of shoes. Then, BAM! You think he is the best guy on earth, just because he buys you that pair of shoes that madeyou feel all fuzzy and wuzzy inside. Babe, thats not being nice to you. Thats the 'fishing' technique. He lets you swim off then hooks you right back to him again. But psychologically we assume that that's perfection because we do not know of anything else that he does is nice that he would even think of doing for the past 6 days, or the next 6 days.

Hard to grasp this concept, but picture this situation. I bet you have a girlfriend that complains the shit out of her boyfriend every single time, but suddenly out of the blue, he does something nice for her and she's like "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh(swoons) he's the most amazing guy ever! I never expected him to do this for me! So sweet! How surprising!" And you're like , "WTF? He treats you like crap every time and you've forgotten about it so quickly just because he did something nice? HELLO!? Don't you rememeber the times you cry to me on the phone because he was giving you hell?". Women are like magpies. Once we see something shiny, we tend to forget everything else.

I know I'm like that. I am deluded. But lets not go down that road.

Men secretly know of this theory and do not, for the love of TopGear, share this with us. In fact they use this against u like how many christians use J.C. against the Jews (ok, bad joke). That way they can treat us however they want to treat us, in their own comfort zone, and once in a while make the effort to stop us from leaving them because we're up to the brim, full of their shit. After the 'spa-pampering' treatment they shower us with, we're back to worshipping-them-like-deities mode, and them treating us like crap, yet again. Assholes.

4) Denial Mode

None of us like to face the cold harsh reality, only a handful can stomach it. Instead, we love being ignorant about the loud blaring facts that these certain groups of men arent suitable for us. We all love happy ever afters, but we know that 9/10 relationships end up in the dumps. Those 1/10 are those who have mastered the art of ignorance, denial and delusion. Because let's face it. If we're as decisive on throwing away torn-yet-favorite underwear like how we throw men away, we'll still be wearing our hole-infested granny panties till we're 45. We horde shit and in hope that we'll use it someday like how we stick on to our men and in hope that they'll change for the better. We know thats not going to happen. We know how those detachable bra pads can't be re-used because your breasts won't get any bigger with them in, or how you don't have time to DIY those rabbit ears with them. Same thing with men, they aren't going to change in time. They will still piss the shit out of you 20 years down the road.

Mind you, I love men. As much as this post turns out to be, I don't hate them, but they really have to stop pissing the shit out of me. I can't live without men. I'm not those feminists I-am-a-career-woman-I-don't-need-your-money-to-buy-me-shit kind, and infact, I really really do need your money to buy myself pretty stuffs.

We keep hearing wives complain about husbands, gfs complaining about their bfs , but never the other way round. WHY? Its' because they're assholes enough to not notice the black face we wear every single day when they poop without closing the door! No lah, they're just not bothered in opening that pandora's box. Who know what kinds of knives and bombs will start flying into their faces once they go down that road. So like my theory, it's better to ignore than face the cruel cold reality.

But kudos to men who are still with their wives many years down the road and haven't strayed. Women just get worse each and every year. Their naggy selves seem to surface as the years go by and if the men haven gone for greener pastures when the shit hits the fans (menopause mode), that man really deserves a nobel prize for being GREAT. The wives will talk and talk and nag and nag and compare you with the neighbour's husband and how he bought the wife plenty of LVs (even though its fake, but still got the heart to buy) and nag and nag on how you don't pick up after yourself and eat as loud as a horse chomps on hay. It's amazing enough how they don't stab the fork they are eating with into the wife's eyes. Not only do women get naggy, we lose our shape, our breasts sag like papayas and our sex drives become zero. Men just get loser skin, whiter hair and hornier. And if they haven't slept with anyone else, they must be meditating like hell.

Ok, have digressed a bit too far.

ANYWAY. Coming back to the point that there are no such thing as perfect relationships. If I had a dollar for everytime in all my relationships I got so mad pissed off that foul language couldn't fully explain how mad I was, I would have bought a bungalow house by now. We just have to understand that men don't understand us. They pretend they do and hopefully not mess up along the way. They don't get our hints, so we just have to state them out loud - or via email. They have no basic etiquette manners so we just have to guide them gently along the way to civilization. They dress like crap, so we just have to use their cards to buy them new clothings.

Happily ever after is just a myth. Why did they stop the film from rolling after snow white got whisked off by her prince charming on the white horse? We all want to see their pretty babies and how they grow old and die together. But I'm pretty sure they won't want us to see her clubbing his head with the rolling pin as the years go by and she's in the castle taking care of her kids, alone, while he's out gallivanting with his mates.

The next time we give them shit just because they pronounced it 'supposably', we should take a step back and look at ourselves; how they still accept us even though we are also imperfect. I know I seriously need to.

Friday, June 18, 2010

It can wait.

Having worked for a few years now, I have come to realise that I can't have everything this instant. Somethings, unfortunately, have to wait. Be it financial constrant or wrong timing, it just got to got to got to wait.

1) Getting a gel manicure. God it is so costly, but it lasts so long. I can easily afford it, but, its so pricey and I'm so stingy. I guess it can wait till the end of the year when i absolutely have to get it done.

2) My LCD Tv. AIHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I've been going on and on and on about the LCD tv in my room (having one that is). I can also afford it. BUT, I'm just afriad that I suddenly need the money for a rainy day. Sigh. My worries.

3) A car. I don't need one now especially I'm driving dad's manual giant toyota landcruiser. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. So much better than the wira or the innova.

4) Iphone 4G. Because its cool and pretty. But gosh its got to wait. Sigh, Till probaby Iphone 7G comes out, then maybe i'll be able to afford the 4G.

5) More shoes bags and clothes. Oh wait, I'm lying. Those can't wait! hAHAHAha.

6) Amazing hair extensions, because,I've got the cheap ass ones already.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

I just bought 2 pieces of long carpet and i'm obsessed on buying another 2 to cover my terrible parquet floor. Plus it doesnt feel cold at night. And its so soft and furry. I'm off tomorrow till monday. So I'm going to Jusco to buy my super cheap ass carpets. WOO!

Monday, June 14, 2010

Goodbye 23, Hello 24!

Ok I realised that I haven been blogging for quite a bit. Have been really caught up in this thing called 'life' sans the happy moments and world's little miracles.

Anyway, today marks the last day of my 23dom. I will be 24 tomorrow. It's kind of depressing knowing that I am not a young girl anymore. My time is ticking. Anyway, less on depressing talk on this rainy gloomy tuesday morning.

As this year went by, I realised I don't know much about anything.

I don't know about the political status in our country. I only know the main few constituents, BN, UMNO, MIC, MCA. The rest of the PKR RKP PPK CCB KNNB TNS, I all also dont know. I am ignorant that way.

I also realised that I don't know much about the income tax system and my EPF SOCSO because I am not the one handling all the paperworks. I worry about it sometimes, but that worry seems to fall out of my head when I see something bright and shiny.

I realise that I've been working for 2 years now and I still do not own a vehicle. Alot of people said that owning a vehicle is about personal standards and status. ie, i have no standard or status in the society because I don't own a car. To be honest, I am fine with it. I have no standards, no status, don't ask me for help please, I can't help you with anything at all! Less trouble for me ok! I do not own a vehicle because a) there are many cars in my house for me to use. b) I do not have the urge to go anywhere at anytime. Most of the time I'm at the office and when I'm not at the office I'm spending time at home. c) I do not need a car because there'll always be people there who are willing to drive me. And if there is no one there, there is no car at home, fine, I won't go. It is not an urgent matter to be at the place. And if it was urgent, there surely be someone there to bring me. I may envy people with beautiful cars, but I do not envy people with cars because to me its only a depreciating asset. I can easily afford a car now, but I find myself a little too stingy to fork out that money to pay for something that my house has a surplus of. Ok. Stop talking, Jo.

This past year made me realise that I would scrimp on my own food, and splurge on food for the ones I love (ie treating them to good food, making home made food for them). To me food is secondary. I do not have the desire to be feasting on caviar or shasimi everyday(infact I hate seafood - except prawns). Some people have compared themselves to me and I realise that there is nothing much to feel bad about. Different people have different aspects of standards.

You can not rely on anyone. You can't rely on anyone to be there for you forever. It's just not fiscally correct. I understand that thoroughly although most of the time I may need more processing time. (ie I throw a hissy fit before that and try to burn down the whole world). Sometimes you can't even rely on family.

Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. These things will never go wrong.

Have decided to cancel the birthday party (ie apologising to the 2 people who actually made the effort to come). It's ok. I know who cares (ie people who live so far away and still want to come, than compared to those who are near, claim they are so close, and yet apparently have more paramount activities to do that day). Totally understandable. That day will be filled with sand, sun, beach, sangria, great singapore sale, TGIF, sex and the city and long island ice tea. Me and the girls (and the boy) needs a long break. Thank you wonderful people whom i've known for so long to take all the effort to come down from so far away. I love you girls so much.

I am all grown up about friends talking behind my back. I know you did it, but I don't talk about it, because you know, I really don't give a shit? Hahahahaha. I'm grown up! :D

People who live further and are willing to make the effort to see you are so much better than people who live close to you and yet give a million and one excuses not to come. But its totally understandable. Just that now I appreciate my college friends more. 7 years baby. 7 years!

You know when you make people your priority and all you turn out is just an option? Hah, it actually happens in real life and not just digital quotes! -_-''

I miss the life in England. I miss the people sans heartaches. I miss the cold weather where I can wear my snow boots just about anytime I want to.

Totally partial emo post I know but what to do. This time round I'm not writing the post on 23 things I've done because I'm done practically nothing for the past year than to buy time. Life has just some how lost the meaning of it, what with the rat race i've been put in. In the end the race is only with myself.

Saw the new house today, the renovations are on the way and the compound is hugeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Can't wait to see the whole thing when its' properly done up.

So Goodbye 23, Hello 24. Just wish that I can get by this year with a little bit of grace, and a little bit of dignity.

You have been great to me 23. I have not regretted this past year. Love you.


Thursday, June 3, 2010

Copying off Wan's posts heres somethings about me which you most definitely know, or not know.

I have temper issues. I flare up really quickly and I find it hard to keep my hands from shaking to slap the shit out of the person.

As boorish as I may be at times, I am a softie inside and I forgive wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too easily.

I do not like arguing with girl friends. I avoid at all costs. These things (argument) backfire like a motherfucker. Soon you will have invisible knifes stabbing you in the back.

I have a thing for gold.

I say I don't want flowers and all, but I actually want them.

I have 2 sides to me. The side which agrees with you, and the other side which agrees with what you don't agree with. HAHAHAH.

I can't eat frog legs as tasty as they are. After having a love for frogs, I have stopped eating them.

I love pasar malam food.

I am so good at Japanese Nail Art.

I can not witness accidents or blood from accidents. Major hurling will be expected.

I have stopped buying shoes for many months.

I miss Winky terribly.

I poop 2 times a day.

I love raw onions.

I love money. HAHAHAHAAAHA.

I eat rainbows and poop diamonds.

I dream to be a plus size model. Too bad I'm so short.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

I'm sorry for the lack of posts.

Its just that recently I've been caught up with a impromptu committment in which it would be morally wrong of me to get out of. And no its not my 9-6 job.

Oh well.

On the other hand, congratulations darling Lily on getting married in July. Good thing you ask me to be ji mui. If not wont let you off so easily.

And so sorry Tammy I missed your birthday. Sorry :( Have been so caught up lately I didnt notice. I hope you had a wonderful birthday ;)

And also, my jewellery was sourced by a designer in Singapore and I'm going for jewellery photo shoot this sunday! Will be exciting since its in the field i'm interested in!

Other news. I am so into hand painting nails, and while they are selling so slowly, I'm having the time of my life wearing my own products. Haha.

People, please continue to buy my stuff. I really need to clear them. Please Please Please.

Winky is doing fine in the new place. Apparently now shes barking like hell. Must be Rose and Tingting stifling her talent in barking in ths house. I am glad shes doing fine there. I wouldn't feel so bad about letting people take her away. I still miss her though. Frequently I call Queenie, Winky by mistake. And I think Queenies kind of mad at me for calling the wrong name.

I got clip on extensions. But I don't think they're as great as the braided ones. I don't know why. It just that its more obvious that its extensions when its clip ons. One of Jo's world's greatest mysteries.

I told dad to get Lumix GF1 because its such a fantastic camera. He condemned it like hell and say its the worst camera on earth. A month later I spot him with a red lumix gf1. HYPOCRITICAL SHIT. nabehccb.

Rosabelle went back to Penang and Ah kong was so in love with her. She really is a cute baby even though she's not the beautiful sort. We still love her with all our hearts...

That's about the updates that I can remember now.

Take care people, will update again ASAP!