Tuesday, June 22, 2010

No such thing as a perfect relationship

Have you ever been with a guy that seemed too good to be true? He surprises you with flowers, picks you up from work and whisks you off to a dinner and make you order anything you want without flinching. He tucks you into bed and hugs you till you fall asleep. Gives you feet rubs from a whole day of shopping with his card and buys you chocolate when its that time of the month. Have you ever been with such a guy?

Neither have I.

Well, unfortunately, whatever they say about the whole 'no one is perfect' debacle is true. Its all horrifyingly true. Hey, I'm not perfect, but men don't go about dreaming about their 'princess in shining glitter' or happily ever after, do they? We, the more complex creatures spend about 97% of our time fixated on the korean and japanese dramas that we watch and blatantly dictate the soppy mens' persona into our lives and ALSO expect our men to do the same. OBVIOUSLY, they do not. It's all fictitious - these prince charming, knight in shining armour, chivalrous and what not. We get mad at how insensitive they are and why those korean and japanese men are, then we fall in love with the TV characters, when probably, in real life, they are equally as idiotic as our local men are.

Of course I have heard about women who talk on and on and on about how perfect their relationship is with the other half (usually for the first year). And it makes me ponder deeply (or either that my deflated ego is on self-defense mode and in intense jealousy) and summing up with 4 plausible reasons why they are portraying this happy image :

1) Ego

It's all about the ego. They do not want people talking behind their back and laughing/sneering/bitching at/about them. They want people to think they are this perfect couple and are happy, in which the fact is that they are not. People who are unhappy in the relationship AND also are egoistic will tend to portray that they are happy. I might be wrong, but I'm usually correct. Perhaps they want to prove to others that they did not make the wrong choice or maybe, they are just trying to protect their other half's dignity. Either way.

2) Ulterior motives

...of the men, not the women. When my close girlfriends come to me elated and giddy from the lurving, I step out of her happiness circle and try to analyse some facts. Why is she so happy? Why is he so nice? Why is my relationship not like hers? Perhaps its my jealousy mode acting up again (to prove that all men are jackasses) that makes me suspect that they are up to no good (I'm also usually right at the end of the day). My suspicion of course comes with a basis. You read about it on the papers how charming good looking men get together with the most fugly women on earth and swear they are in love with them bla bla, love of their lives bla bla yada yada. 2 months down the road, they're out of the picture and with 20 grand credit in their bank accounts.

Those bastards swindled the poor ladies out of their entire life savings. Which comes to an crucial point : If you're not hot, or remotely good looking, do not expect men that are out of your league to like you [referring to plain girls who go gaga over superjunoir-like groups and fantasise everyday about being Mrs superjunoir - haha- JOKING LAH]. If they like you, and act like angels, something is wrong. If they like you and still act like assholes, then they are normal. Its these good looks and amazing fake personalities that lull you into a false sense of security which in turn leads you into giving your heart and bank passwords to him. bastards.

Ok, maybe they are not out to get your money. MAYBE and just MAYBE they are cheating behind your back, and feel guilty about it, hence treating you extra nice, so you won't find a reason to kick their asses. But what they didn't realise is that we know when you are lying once you do something out of the norm. There's no such thing as 'just because it's nice to do something nice.' We know men too well to know that they don't take hints, or do anything romantic unless they want something out of you.

3) The 'Once in a while' Theory

So they treat you like a door mat 6 days out of a week. For those 6 days you YEARN every single minute that he becomes nice and gives you a break. Then on the 7th day he treats you to a nice pair of shoes. Then, BAM! You think he is the best guy on earth, just because he buys you that pair of shoes that madeyou feel all fuzzy and wuzzy inside. Babe, thats not being nice to you. Thats the 'fishing' technique. He lets you swim off then hooks you right back to him again. But psychologically we assume that that's perfection because we do not know of anything else that he does is nice that he would even think of doing for the past 6 days, or the next 6 days.

Hard to grasp this concept, but picture this situation. I bet you have a girlfriend that complains the shit out of her boyfriend every single time, but suddenly out of the blue, he does something nice for her and she's like "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh(swoons) he's the most amazing guy ever! I never expected him to do this for me! So sweet! How surprising!" And you're like , "WTF? He treats you like crap every time and you've forgotten about it so quickly just because he did something nice? HELLO!? Don't you rememeber the times you cry to me on the phone because he was giving you hell?". Women are like magpies. Once we see something shiny, we tend to forget everything else.

I know I'm like that. I am deluded. But lets not go down that road.

Men secretly know of this theory and do not, for the love of TopGear, share this with us. In fact they use this against u like how many christians use J.C. against the Jews (ok, bad joke). That way they can treat us however they want to treat us, in their own comfort zone, and once in a while make the effort to stop us from leaving them because we're up to the brim, full of their shit. After the 'spa-pampering' treatment they shower us with, we're back to worshipping-them-like-deities mode, and them treating us like crap, yet again. Assholes.

4) Denial Mode

None of us like to face the cold harsh reality, only a handful can stomach it. Instead, we love being ignorant about the loud blaring facts that these certain groups of men arent suitable for us. We all love happy ever afters, but we know that 9/10 relationships end up in the dumps. Those 1/10 are those who have mastered the art of ignorance, denial and delusion. Because let's face it. If we're as decisive on throwing away torn-yet-favorite underwear like how we throw men away, we'll still be wearing our hole-infested granny panties till we're 45. We horde shit and in hope that we'll use it someday like how we stick on to our men and in hope that they'll change for the better. We know thats not going to happen. We know how those detachable bra pads can't be re-used because your breasts won't get any bigger with them in, or how you don't have time to DIY those rabbit ears with them. Same thing with men, they aren't going to change in time. They will still piss the shit out of you 20 years down the road.


Mind you, I love men. As much as this post turns out to be, I don't hate them, but they really have to stop pissing the shit out of me. I can't live without men. I'm not those feminists I-am-a-career-woman-I-don't-need-your-money-to-buy-me-shit kind, and infact, I really really do need your money to buy myself pretty stuffs.

We keep hearing wives complain about husbands, gfs complaining about their bfs , but never the other way round. WHY? Its' because they're assholes enough to not notice the black face we wear every single day when they poop without closing the door! No lah, they're just not bothered in opening that pandora's box. Who know what kinds of knives and bombs will start flying into their faces once they go down that road. So like my theory, it's better to ignore than face the cruel cold reality.

But kudos to men who are still with their wives many years down the road and haven't strayed. Women just get worse each and every year. Their naggy selves seem to surface as the years go by and if the men haven gone for greener pastures when the shit hits the fans (menopause mode), that man really deserves a nobel prize for being GREAT. The wives will talk and talk and nag and nag and compare you with the neighbour's husband and how he bought the wife plenty of LVs (even though its fake, but still got the heart to buy) and nag and nag on how you don't pick up after yourself and eat as loud as a horse chomps on hay. It's amazing enough how they don't stab the fork they are eating with into the wife's eyes. Not only do women get naggy, we lose our shape, our breasts sag like papayas and our sex drives become zero. Men just get loser skin, whiter hair and hornier. And if they haven't slept with anyone else, they must be meditating like hell.

Ok, have digressed a bit too far.

ANYWAY. Coming back to the point that there are no such thing as perfect relationships. If I had a dollar for everytime in all my relationships I got so mad pissed off that foul language couldn't fully explain how mad I was, I would have bought a bungalow house by now. We just have to understand that men don't understand us. They pretend they do and hopefully not mess up along the way. They don't get our hints, so we just have to state them out loud - or via email. They have no basic etiquette manners so we just have to guide them gently along the way to civilization. They dress like crap, so we just have to use their cards to buy them new clothings.

Happily ever after is just a myth. Why did they stop the film from rolling after snow white got whisked off by her prince charming on the white horse? We all want to see their pretty babies and how they grow old and die together. But I'm pretty sure they won't want us to see her clubbing his head with the rolling pin as the years go by and she's in the castle taking care of her kids, alone, while he's out gallivanting with his mates.

The next time we give them shit just because they pronounced it 'supposably', we should take a step back and look at ourselves; how they still accept us even though we are also imperfect. I know I seriously need to.

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