Yeah, then I went there. Lo and behold, it was the most sudden JOB-INTERVIEW I had ever been in. So I was like WTF!?
It was funny enough why Mr. X told another partner Mr. Y to come in, and then they started asking me all these academic questions and it took me 4 minutes to realise that this was a job interview that my boss did not prepare me for. I went in looking like a post-war battalion. My hair greased up in a clip, no make up. Thank god I was in black pants and a blazer. Thank God for me remembering to bring one.
Then they both brought me back to reality. That without my Malay qualification I'm as useless as a one-legged man at an ass kicking competition. That I'm a pen in a world of erasers. Ergo, I am totally redundant in the field of law. Of course this only applies if I go into Litigation and not Conveyancing. Or if I go into Singapore and be a paralegal. Or anything else that does not require me to have my Malay paper.
My options are so wide. I am fantastic with people. I am good at marketing and public relations. I can speak 3 languages. So why do I feel so much like a failure? Is it possible because that I'm a barrister in England, that I have gone through so much academic accelerations that I can't take the shot when I can't even get credit for Malay? But then again, I have not studied Malay before, so why am I taking this so hard? Is it because I can't take failures? Is it because I'm always taking for granted that the exam-luck will always be with me? I think that should be my answer.
I don't deal with failures properly. Yes I have failed before. I have nearly failed my chemistry, physics and bio in secondary school. But yet, life went on. I nearly failed my law and accounting paper in college. Yet life went on. I nearly failed my Constitutional, family and land paper in Uni. I failed my Opinion during my BVC. Yet I have made it into chambering. Could this be the last stretch of my luck? Has the Exam God decided to give someone else his blessing? Could this mark the end of my legal career?
I'm fucked arn't I? The KL Viva could take ages to pass, and its a matter of luck if the panel of examiners like you. What if I take 2,3 or worse 10 tries and still I can't do it? What the hell am I going to do with my life? My mother will definitely be so ashamed of me that she can't face the rest of our family. She has bragged so much about my academic qualifications. But now, at the last run, I am the EPIC FAILURE of the family. I am stuck between chambering and lawyering. What the fuck am I going to do that won't put my mum half in the grave? How can I break it to her that I am NOT INTERESTED in law at all? (Mum already knows I hate law, but she said since I'm almost there might as well just do it till I get it).
This is the end of my line, I guess. I have to embrace my other options after the end of my chambering. Because slogging my ass off to be a lawyer in Malaysia may be possible. But at what cost? My youth? My patience? Only time will tell.
So for now, I AM FUCKED.
But no point fretting I guess. Chinese New Year is round the corner. I shouldn't let this dampen (or worse, kill) my spirit for a new beginning. 2009 did not start off as even a bearable beginning for me. I don't know if our Chinese New Year would mark anything different.
Tomorrow will hopefully be a better day.
Because I only have hope now. Nothing else is certain. Especially the 2 month bonus rumour that I have heard for chambering students. I doubt it's even true.
Like what John always tells me, if you have it don't be happy, if you don't, don't be sad. We come and go with nothing.
So please God, if you're listening, please do something about this. I feel that I have been walking alone in the dark for many, many months now.
Please, I'm at my wits end.
Then they both brought me back to reality. That without my Malay qualification I'm as useless as a one-legged man at an ass kicking competition. That I'm a pen in a world of erasers. Ergo, I am totally redundant in the field of law. Of course this only applies if I go into Litigation and not Conveyancing. Or if I go into Singapore and be a paralegal. Or anything else that does not require me to have my Malay paper.
My options are so wide. I am fantastic with people. I am good at marketing and public relations. I can speak 3 languages. So why do I feel so much like a failure? Is it possible because that I'm a barrister in England, that I have gone through so much academic accelerations that I can't take the shot when I can't even get credit for Malay? But then again, I have not studied Malay before, so why am I taking this so hard? Is it because I can't take failures? Is it because I'm always taking for granted that the exam-luck will always be with me? I think that should be my answer.
I don't deal with failures properly. Yes I have failed before. I have nearly failed my chemistry, physics and bio in secondary school. But yet, life went on. I nearly failed my law and accounting paper in college. Yet life went on. I nearly failed my Constitutional, family and land paper in Uni. I failed my Opinion during my BVC. Yet I have made it into chambering. Could this be the last stretch of my luck? Has the Exam God decided to give someone else his blessing? Could this mark the end of my legal career?
I'm fucked arn't I? The KL Viva could take ages to pass, and its a matter of luck if the panel of examiners like you. What if I take 2,3 or worse 10 tries and still I can't do it? What the hell am I going to do with my life? My mother will definitely be so ashamed of me that she can't face the rest of our family. She has bragged so much about my academic qualifications. But now, at the last run, I am the EPIC FAILURE of the family. I am stuck between chambering and lawyering. What the fuck am I going to do that won't put my mum half in the grave? How can I break it to her that I am NOT INTERESTED in law at all? (Mum already knows I hate law, but she said since I'm almost there might as well just do it till I get it).
This is the end of my line, I guess. I have to embrace my other options after the end of my chambering. Because slogging my ass off to be a lawyer in Malaysia may be possible. But at what cost? My youth? My patience? Only time will tell.
So for now, I AM FUCKED.
But no point fretting I guess. Chinese New Year is round the corner. I shouldn't let this dampen (or worse, kill) my spirit for a new beginning. 2009 did not start off as even a bearable beginning for me. I don't know if our Chinese New Year would mark anything different.
Tomorrow will hopefully be a better day.
Because I only have hope now. Nothing else is certain. Especially the 2 month bonus rumour that I have heard for chambering students. I doubt it's even true.
Like what John always tells me, if you have it don't be happy, if you don't, don't be sad. We come and go with nothing.
So please God, if you're listening, please do something about this. I feel that I have been walking alone in the dark for many, many months now.
Please, I'm at my wits end.
X
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