Love ya babe!
Joanna
Her computer was humming; she heard cars honking outside the 25th floor. There were people chatting outside her office and laughing. It annoyed her.
‘Must be Grace, that wretched women, always bloody not doing her job’ she thought. Impatiently she drummed her lacquered red nails that were manicured just 2 days ago on her desk and after five more minutes, when she could take it no more. She pressed her phone button down hard and snapped ‘Cooper, cooper! Get in here now!’ There was no reply just a short gasp and the phone was replaced. Five seconds later, Cooper materialized in front of her door.
‘Yes my ladyship?’ he asked half scared and half puzzled. Joanna was not in the mood today. She was not looking at him. She had her legs on her desk and besides looking annoyed and angry, she looked perfect as ever with her shiny black hair tied tightly into a bun, her fringe coming down at the side of her face, she was wearing a black waist hugging jacket with small white stripes and a white blouse with big lacy collars inside. She stood up suddenly after what felt like a million years and said through clenched teeth, her lips a little wobbly, ‘I think men hates me.’
‘Oh, there she goes again’ he thought.
She was feeling insecure again. Joanna had just won another case today. It was a case of a woman abusing her husband (yes you heard it right), verbally and mentally that’s what Mrs black or ex Mrs black’s husband had said. He was suing her for abusing him and causing him to lose his job because he could was so mentally and physically exhausted living with her. ‘Bullshit!’ Mrs black or as she prefer to call herself, Le-anne said. Joanna had represented Le-anne and as I had said before, won the case.
Before she left the court, Mr Black said to Joanna at ear shot level, ‘you little bitch, any women with some self respect would not represent a women like my wife, you have a heart of stone.’
‘Men hate me, they all do.’ She whimpers.
‘Aww, babe! We all love you! Everyone at the company loves you, come on, stop this silliness, give me a hug?’
‘Piss off hooper! Stop hitting on me.’
Let me tell u about Joanna, Joanna is a Harvard graduate who had moved to
‘Come on. Come on now’ he coaxed.
When she did not respond, he said more firmly, ‘Snap out of it Joanna, Mr Jon has been waiting for you since 12pm’ while looking at her impatiently.
‘What?’ she asked blurry. He repeated himself. She looked at the clock on her wall and when the information finally did register, she yelped ‘Oh shit! It’s half past one! Why is he still here? Shit! I totally forgotten. Why did u not remind me Hooper?’ she pointed her fingers accusingly and made some angry noises before shoving Hooper out of her office.
‘I need to get ready the case files, get out!’
‘Take your time’ he said.
‘I am sure Mr Jon can wait another hour or so’ he said teasingly.
She swung opened her door and said breathlessly, ‘tell him to give me 10 minutes, I will buzz you when I am done, to let him in’. And before he could say anything smart, she swung her door close again.
‘Another day in Joanna’s office’ he thought. Let me make this clear, I adore Joanna I really do. Normally she is sweet and flirts with me on a good day, but when she is feeling insecure and all, it just annoys me. She is a lawyer for goodness sake, where is the confidence?
Rita And Judith
‘Dude... I don’t feel u baby, work harder’
‘Babe I’ve been trying for half an hour!’
‘Oh stuff this! Let’s try another position. I remember this position I saw in my 3 year old karma sutra I practiced a few years back, it works wonders!’
‘Excuse me? What did you just say?’
‘Haha I was just kidding James’ (sheepishly)
‘My name is
After a minute of silence,
Feeling a little hurt, Rita said quickly, ‘Fine’
‘Okay fine’ he said.
As James, oh sorry. As Jo got up to leave… Oh shit. Let me start this again. As
He said sarcastically ‘yeah…sure…’
Not willing to let him have the last laugh, I yelled to him ‘your THING was not that great anyway. Get stuffed!’
He came upstairs and stood at the stairways. Feeling half scared that he would slap the hell out of me, he pointed ‘THE finger’ at me and stormed off before I could react.
‘Argh! Men in pubs just can’t satisfy me! She shrieked. The effort in applying my new Mabelline sky high mascara and the latest red Revlon lipstick was wasted on that useless piece of shit.’
‘I miss Reid…’ she sighed.
Rita got up from the couch and checked if there was any embarrassing ‘mess’ left behind. None.
‘Don’t want the girls questioning me later’ she thought silently to herself and went to the bathroom to shower. After her shower, she flopped herself onto her bed which was 99% covered with stuffed bears, dogs, cats (you name it, it’s there) from ex-lovers, flings and took her pink pillow, covered her face with it to muffle her upcoming scream, ‘Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssstards! All men are baaaaaassssssstards!’
Judith walked into the room right that moment and said ‘Girl, you at it again?’ Stepping to her makeup table to remove her makeup she listened to Rita silently as Rita started complaining to her about how she sucked in relationship, how men are commitment phobs and lying bastards who cannot give her orgasms. When she finished, she blinked her eyes at Judith who was just doing all the ‘mhmm, ahh, I see’ and cried out ‘Even you don’t care about me! No one loves me!’
‘Argh, don’t say that’. Judith walked over to Rita’s bedside and gave her a hug. ‘I know you are going to have your period soon, that’s why I did not bother; you know how we all care for you’.
‘Period? Period? I am reaching menopause for goodness sake! And I am still unattached, unmarried.’
‘Here we go again, drama mama making a fuss again’
‘Dude! Be more sympathatic’
‘Don’t start me on relationship alright?’
‘Oh…Sorry Jude, I just remembered that you are a serial single (as in serial killer, get it get it? But in this case for Judith it means Judith has been single all her life), but u aim so high, I think you just might as well turn lesbo’
‘I was thinking of that’ Judith said not caring.
‘Oh?’ Rita questioned, her eyebrow raised.
‘Yep, that’s right, lesbo-hood here I come!’
‘Yeah right…’ Rita said, and threw the pillow at Judith.
‘Why u little…’ before Judith could finish, she swung the pillow back at Rita.
‘Oh no you don’t, no one hits Rita and get’s away with it’.
As pillows, stuffed toys and cd’s fly and whizzed pass the room followed by high pitched screams. The Taiwanese neighbours ugly son sat in his room, next door holding his empty coke can (I wonder what for?) and trying to watch porn he just downloaded on the internet, he cursed silently ‘Those wretched Harvard girls, one day I will just strangle them and then bury them in my courtyard.’
The though of that made him laugh, and his laughter was so loud that in the midst of their pillow fight, the girls stopped and said with flushed faces ‘there goes mad shorty again’ in unison, before continuing the task of killing each others teddy bears.
Zhi Ai
‘Stupid stupid Manoj! He made me pose in some skimpy little number again, asshole. How would anyone take me seriously if I continue doing those dodgy photoshoot? For goodness sake, I am the next Big thing!’
Feeling tired after a days work, Zhi Ai was glad to be home.
‘Haha, I can hear Rita and Judith from upstairs!’ she laughed to herself.
‘These girls have been there for me since university’ she thought gratefully.
At first, the girls did not react really well when Zhi Ai announced that she was going to drop doing her masters in occupational therapy and head towards the world of modeling.
‘Look at those girls in the magazines’ she took out her ‘Her world’ magazine and jabbed her fingers on one of the stick thin models who was posing with Beckham. ‘I wanna be like her…’
All four of them looked at each other worriedly at first, and the first one to speak was Rita ‘Well dude, guess what? I always wanted to be a singer!’
Joanna thought ‘oh no, teenager indecisive syndrome.’
Judith thought ‘I won’t be affected by this sudden heat of occupation changing! I am going to be rational.’
Lysha thought ‘COOL!’
Looking at the 2 girls, eyes sparkling as if waiting for their parents to tell them its alright to push the fat kid into a puddle of mud and taunt the poor thing, the 3 of them looked at each other, then back to the 2 dreamy girls and back at each other again before Lysha finally said ‘We will always support you in whatever u want to do.’ And ended that note with a big encouraging smile.
‘This calls for a group hug’ Joanna said happily. And as Judith shed a tear, all five of them had their hugs and the contagious crying spread.
******
‘Girls I am home! Come down and help me fix dinner. Why is the living room in a mess? Miss neat freak is coming back anytime, someone better bear that responsibility before Lysha starts screaming till the cows come home.’
Judith ran down the stairs first breathlessly and said ‘welcome home Zhi Ai! I am starving, can we have roast tonight?’ Looking at her friend who was looking back at her with pleading puppy eyes, and even though she was feeling really tired, she could not bear to say no and suggested, ‘I would, if you clean up the mess.’
‘I refuse to clean up that mess! Rita messed up the living room, she brought a man back…’ before Judith could continue, Rita came screaming down the stairs and said ‘no, no, no, it’s not true!’
Zhi Ai knew she was lying. ‘We know you too well dear, go clean up that mess. You know the house rules, no bringing home of random guys which your housemates have not met and interrogated’ Zhi Ai said half disapprovingly.
‘Sorry...’ Rita said.
Beaming, Zhi Ai said bossily ‘now let’s get back to what we were supposed to do, before dinner becomes supper.’
‘Aiyai captain!’ Rita said and saluted.
‘Please pass me some rosemary Judith. Fancy wanting to have roast in the middle of summer. How was uni today?’
‘Let’s not talk about it; those devils are driving me mad. There were students making out in every of my lecture, no respect I say, no respect.’
‘It seems like the two of us did not have that fun a day huh?’ Zhi Ai said.
‘Make that three’ Rita said while patting the cushion in the leaving room and placing the books back on the shelf.
‘Were you not having fun?’ Judith said quizzily.
‘Wild as the living room may seem, that guy did not give me a single orgasm!’ Rita pointed out as if matter of factly.
‘Oh Rita!’ Zhi Ai said rolling her eyes ‘Too much info girl!’ Judith just smacked her palms onto her forehead and shook her head in disbelieve.
‘What are we to do with you? Sometimes I worry about you’ Zhi Ai said.
Rita giggled to herself as though she had some unshared joke.
Lysha
Lysha was looking at the ceiling lying on her bed. Her bedsheet was ironed perfectly and her pillows were arranged at the head of her bed while her blanket was folded neatly at the foot of the bed. She sighed. She had just gotten off the phone with her mum. Her mum was in love.
‘Lysha darling.. I am in love!’ her mother exclaimed
‘What?! What are you talking about mum? Calm down, tell me slowly.’
Her mum was blabbering on the phone non-stop about meeting some guy called Anton who is born in
‘Mum! His not Asian! Yucks! I bet his hairy!’ I screamed in horror. ‘Please say this is all a joke, I will forgive you if you just say it now.’
‘Sorry dear, I am in love, we are get engaged 2 weekends from now, Christmas eve’
‘The sex is good.’ She added quickly.
‘Excuse me?’
‘Yes dear, I mean it’s really good.’ Her mum dragged the word ‘really’.
‘Oh my God, another Rita’ she thought.
‘Mum that is unnecessary information! Anyway does he know you have 2 kids? I am sure
‘His 48, just 2 years younger than me and he is divorced with 1 kid. By the way, I have already told
‘Oh great, now I have a step-sibling and a step-dad who is non-Asian’ I moaned.
‘Darling, seriously, grow up, stop being racists. You should be happy for me. He owes a strip club in the city, just near your apartment.’
‘…’
‘Hello? Hello? Lysha? Are you there?’
‘My step-dad-to-be is a strip club owner, my family is dysfunctional’ she thought.
‘You know what mum? As long as you are happy, I support you in whatever you do’ I said lying. I was furious that mum was going to marry another man, even though dad is no longer with us, I feel like she is cheating on him. I want her all to myself; I don’t want some man sharing her. His non-Asian. He has hairy chest, probably hair hands and maybe even a hairy back!
While she was zoning out and fantasizing how complicated this was all going to be, I heard from the background ‘Jo, baby… now where’s my little fox? Come give me some of that foxy moves u showed me last night’
Must be Anton.
‘Oh’ mum said half embarrassingly, ‘that’s him, would you like to speak to him?’
‘Mum, not today, I am not really ready for this yet. Why don’t I call u another time?’
‘Alright, gotta run anyway, bye darling, don’t work too hard in that hospital, go find another boyfriend, that bastard Lancer was not good enough for you anyway’
‘Bye’ she said again before I heard a small click at the other end of the line.
‘I think she is going to have sex now’ I thought in horror.
I looked at the Paul Frank clock hanging on the wall. It was just 2.30pm in the afternoon.
‘Why did she have to mention Lancer anyway’ she sighed. Lancer was one of her close male friends whom she had met in Harvard. He was studying law that time and had met him through Joanna. At first, he was in love with Joanna, but she was so not interested in him. ‘Too thin for me’ she said. Then after being rejected again and again by Joanna, he came and asked me out. In some way, I felt upset that I was ‘the last resort’ it has always been like this, from pre school to university, Joanna was always better with the guys. We went out with him for around half a year. We were not intimate with each other but shared stories, opinions and talked about everything. It somehow felt that our relationship was incomplete. Incomplete u ask? I don’t know how to explain what I mean, but another way to put it is that I don’t trust him. We broke up in December during Christmas. Actually we had already not been together for a month. No calls, no messages, no ‘how are you today babe?’ but the official breakup day was Christmas day anyway. I initiated it at his place, when he thought he could finally get me naked, I said stiffly ‘I don’t think we can be together anymore’. The poor soul lost his erection immediately. I was not really upset over the whole situation and she had been telling the girls ever since the same thing ‘I just feel it’s a pity our relationship ended, his great and all, but we are just not compatible’. As expected the girls made a fuss and insisted that I must be devastated. After telling them a few times that I am totally fine, I gave up and surrended to them, allowing them to pamper me by helping me do my assignments, buying me balloons and flowers to put around my bed as if I was dying in hospital and making me breakfast in bed for the first 2 weeks. ‘Friends, what will I be without them?’
******
‘Oh my goodness! That’s so cool dude! Your dad-to-be is a stripclub owner’ Rita exclaimed looking so happy like she was going to cry.
‘You think we can get discounts?’ Judith asked hopefully her eyes equally shining as Rita’s.
All five of us were crowded in the living room having our Wednesday bitching/gosspiping/discussion/board game ‘meeting’.
‘Give her a break you two’ Joanna said.
After a pause, she added ‘I am sure we can get in for free!’
‘Hmm.. Thanks…that was helpful’ I said sarcastically.
‘I think you should be happy for Jolin’ Judith said nodding her head.
‘Not many women can find love at her age, it’s a good thing, and maybe she is feeling lonely with your dad gone for so long already.’ Joanna said.
‘Look at us man, we still haven’t found true love’ Rita said in disgust and stuffed her face in a pink pillow.
‘Look’ I said dismissing Rita’s comments, ‘my mum told me to tell you girls that you are all to be her bridesmaid along with me this coming Sunday.’ I said. ‘So instead of being a brat and being upset, I am going to look for some bridesmaid gears!’
‘So that means…’
‘SHOPPING!’ we all scream out loud.
‘Keep it down!’ the Taiwanese neighbor yelled.
After a moment of silence, Rita broke the silence ‘Bet he is sex deprived’.
‘Tsk tsk tsk’ she added, before we burst out laughing and rolled all over the floor.
‘Gonna kill them one day… wonder what kind of torture is the best…’ he thought to himself.
******
It was the day of the wedding, I had met Anton two days before and he was not as hairy as I thought he would be. Well, he did have some hair on his chest… but let’s just say no one is perfect. (though Judith might like it).
‘Oh my god!’ Judith gushed before my mum was going to walk down the aisle.
‘She’s beautiful isn’t she?’ Joanna said oblivious that Judith was not talking about my mum.
‘No, no, no. I just saw Jamie in the crowd.’ she said in horror.
All of us opened the door and peaked into the crowd.
‘There he is!’ she pointed ‘The fifth guy from the left, sitting at the 4,8,12.. 23 row.’
‘Ooo’ Rita said hornily. ‘His hot! Look at those broad shoulders!’ she exclaimed.
‘His mine man’ Judith said defensively.
‘Dude… I don’t mean Jamie, I meant the guy sitting next to him man.’
‘Oh, that’s Jamie’s younger brother, his names
‘Jamie is mine no later than next week’ Rita said confidently and ran to my mum’s side to help put a few finishing touches to her makeup. As we walked to my mum’s side one by one, Joanna was still standing at the door.
‘Jo?’ I asked ‘What’s the matter?’
‘Oh Lord save me! Jeremiah is also in the crowd’ by then her face was already green and we thought that she was going to throw up any moment.
‘Ok, breathe in and out slowly’ I said.
‘We know his the guy u met in year one of uni and the first guy who ever rejected you in your life, but there is no need for any panic’ Rita said, trying to be helpful.
‘Yeah man, you are a gorgeous babe, that bastard will be kicking himself when he sees you later.’ Judith quickly added before Joanna felt sick.
‘Alright, alright’ my mum said breaking the tension in her calm motherly voice,
‘you guys are only allowed to perv at my guests after I exchanged vows with Anton.’
‘alright?’
‘Yes mum’
‘Yea’
‘I am not only perving, I’ll be on him!’
‘I don’t know’.
Each of us answered back.
‘Ladies, be ready in 5 minutes alright?’ a tall, booty-licious, tanned, and hot guy came in to inform us.
‘Oh yea…5 minutes’ I said dreamily before I got jabbed in the left kidney by Rita.
‘You like him don’t you? I saw him checking you out just now when we just arrived’ she said nosily. ‘Apparently his name is Jay.’ she said smirking.
‘I dare you to kiss him later, after the ceremony.’ she challenged.
‘Oh yea?’ I said calmly
‘ I’ll do it if you french
‘I will do it if Judith frenches Jamie too’ Rita said.
‘Okay, I’ll do it if Joanna made Jeremiah beg her to be his girl’ Judith said.’
‘DEAL!’ I said.
‘Deal guys?’ Judith said shyly. We all nodded. Let’s do it.
‘Girls, girls, girls, you guys remind me of when I was young.’ My mum said in amazement. ‘We could be related!’
‘Aww, Jolin, we love you..’
‘Thanks for having us as bridemaid’
‘This will be a good wedding mum’
‘Anton is hot dude’
******
After the vows were exchanged, all five of us did our dare. Rita started it all first. She ran to
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