Being afraid of bugs or anything else as much as us makes you look like pussified wanker.
Yes it includes roaches, mice, balloons, clowns, heights, and Madonna.
If you're afraid of it, suck it up and deal with it. It doesnt put you in our good books when you scream in a higher pitch than us.
Learn how to pee properly.
We don't mind if you don't put down the toilet seat, but PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ST PATRICKS, don't spray all over the bowl and then on the floor, and then act like its your god damn right to give our toilet bowls a golden shower.
Your penis musn't have met the rubber band yet.
Farting under the covers then pushing our head down and suffocating us
will not give you a happy ending. You will be severely scratched and punched and you'd have to sleep outside with the dog. What is it about men and farting?!
Comparing manhood with the ex's.
Asking us if your dick is the biggest we've ever had will only give you one answer - Yes. We won't tell you the truth. We know how fragile your ego is and how crushed and complexed you'd be if we were to ever tell you the truth. Unless you force feed us truth potion, forget about getting the truth out of us.
Other women in your life.
There can only be us, your mother and your sisters. In that order.
Any other women will be eliminated. You will henceforth be severely questioned, suspected and punished without further warning or evidence.
Not answering our calls.
It doesn't matter if you're busy or you're sleeping. Not answering our calls would only mean you're banging someone else, or contemplating on banging someone else.
When asking your opinions.
Does it make my fats bulge out? Does it make my thighs look like tree trunks? Does my boobs look stifled in these? The answer will be No, No, No. No matter how hard you're trying to tell us the truth, don't.
Unless you're willing to face another 30 mins of 'OMG I HAVE NO CLOTHES TO WEAR' when we have a gazillion outfits and 'WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME ANYMORE' and 'I'M SO FAT YOU DON'T WANT ME ANYMORE' crying sessions, the good thing is to tell the damn white lie. You'll thank yourself for that.
Men Cologne.
No matter how nice we tell you that you smell when you are all sweaty and manly, cologne will be very much appreciated after a thorough shower of chlorox and dettol. We make effort to smell nice for you, you make effort to smell nice for us. kthxbai.
We are extremely suspicious and dramatic people.
Anything you do out of line will immediately render you to become an asshole, a wanker, a jackass, a bastard. We are constantly suspecting you to do things that you haven even thought about and then make a big hooha out of it. Oh yeah, we make mountains out of mole hills.
Make small talk.
When we see you after a long hard day, the first question would be "hows your day, honey?" "Would you like a bear hug and a bucket of fried chicken?"
Wrong questions would be " Wheres dinner, hag?", "I need another beer thanks", "The house is dirty, why haven you cleaned it yet?"
This would give you a one way ticket to hell, and also, you wont be getting the chance to celebrate any fathers' day - ever.
Pretend to be interested.
We know you arent interested in gossip. We know crickets chirp in your mind when we start talking and you just stone. When we bitch about people, we appreciate answers that reciprocate our bitchy questions and remarks. If you say that's none of your business, or that we were wrong in the first place to bitch about that person, you're basically screwed.
It doesn't hurt for you to pretend.
We like to be protected.
We like to be the fragile flower/baby/bunny in your eyes. We may be strong on the outside, but on the inside we're shivering, bla bla bla yada yada. You know that we love being pampered and all. Please don't turn us into your maids or mothers. You have your own for that! You're suppose to take care of the damsel in or out of distress!!!!!!
We don't like stingy men.
Going dutch, or making the ladies pay, that shouldn't be the way. Of course its totally forgivable when you're students, but full time working males who can't even fork out money for a meal, or worse, go DUTCH, fucking stingy bastards, you just killed our libido to even like you or intro other pretty girls to you.
Given that you may not like us because we're not your cup of tea, being a gentleman, chivalry is definitely missing in you. Trying to save that few dollars and end up looking like a wanker is really really really really bad math.
We are not porn stars.
So don't expect us to know the positions, like it, or pretend to like it (as much as you do). We do not fancy anal as much, and we would appreciate it if you don't suggest to spraying us in the face. kthxbai.
Its okay to cry.
When someone you love passes away, when you get fired, or when your car gets stolen. Not when you knew Ricky Martin is gay, or when your pasta accidentally gets burnt.
You know, manly tears!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
3 leg and the evil bastard.
ok, so recently bunny has been quite a bit of an arse, so he wanted to bring me out for a meal to make up for it.
At first I said yes to TGIF's (our fav place), then I changed my mind, and decided to get mice as pets (cos they're so freaking amazing and don't bite).
So we went to the petshop and they say mice are only reared in the factories to feed the pythons and arowanas and are hardly sold at the shops.
So I settled for these:
A pair of dwarf winter white hamsters.
They don't bite (as often as others!) and are quite tame!
This is 3 leg (sa ka).
so cute right?
The reason its called 3 leg is because ..............
It only has 3 legs wtf. HAHAHAHAHAHa. Despite its disability, it is so friendly and uber cute when it waddles around with only 3 limbs. Everyone had a good time taking the mickey out of poor 3 leg. But its so cute. And it doesnt bite! <3 u!
Now meet 4 leg (DUH!) aka The Evil Bastard
Reason being, it looks evil and bites (well not hard, just nibbling at my skin) and bullies 3 leg.
Actually quite cute also lah :P
They both love to snuggle next to each other when they sleep.
Loves!
At first I said yes to TGIF's (our fav place), then I changed my mind, and decided to get mice as pets (cos they're so freaking amazing and don't bite).
So we went to the petshop and they say mice are only reared in the factories to feed the pythons and arowanas and are hardly sold at the shops.
So I settled for these:
A pair of dwarf winter white hamsters.
They don't bite (as often as others!) and are quite tame!
This is 3 leg (sa ka).
so cute right?
The reason its called 3 leg is because ..............
It only has 3 legs wtf. HAHAHAHAHAHa. Despite its disability, it is so friendly and uber cute when it waddles around with only 3 limbs. Everyone had a good time taking the mickey out of poor 3 leg. But its so cute. And it doesnt bite! <3 u!
Now meet 4 leg (DUH!) aka The Evil Bastard
Reason being, it looks evil and bites (well not hard, just nibbling at my skin) and bullies 3 leg.
Actually quite cute also lah :P
They both love to snuggle next to each other when they sleep.
Loves!
Friday, March 26, 2010
Spooky encounter
Ok so today something freaky happened at work.
At about 3.30pm I felt very dizzy and tired (I strongly believe that was pure laziness) so I propped my chair pillow on the desk and closed my eyes for a bit. For that 1.5 hours it was like temporary paralysis. I couldnt wake up I couldnt lift my neck, I could only open my eyes for about a second then I passed out again.
I also know something superstitious if you believe it : that spirits were controlling you (or something similar to that extent) - or just extreme tiredness.
But the funny thing was, I clearly heard 2 clients (a man and a woman) come into our office, spoke loudly in mandarin, and went to the back of the office (perhaps to use the toilet) and they never came back out. Then I tried my best to wake up because everytime I tried to wake up and prop my neck up I just fall back in. So this time I mustered every strength to wake up,slapped myself awake, then I went to pee and all and then I went to speak to my colleague to ask if that there were clients who came (they were perhaps her friends who always frequented this office).
She told me no one came at all.
Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Perhaps the 'couple' were just 'passing by' and I caught their conversation! Oh well!
At about 3.30pm I felt very dizzy and tired (I strongly believe that was pure laziness) so I propped my chair pillow on the desk and closed my eyes for a bit. For that 1.5 hours it was like temporary paralysis. I couldnt wake up I couldnt lift my neck, I could only open my eyes for about a second then I passed out again.
I also know something superstitious if you believe it : that spirits were controlling you (or something similar to that extent) - or just extreme tiredness.
But the funny thing was, I clearly heard 2 clients (a man and a woman) come into our office, spoke loudly in mandarin, and went to the back of the office (perhaps to use the toilet) and they never came back out. Then I tried my best to wake up because everytime I tried to wake up and prop my neck up I just fall back in. So this time I mustered every strength to wake up,slapped myself awake, then I went to pee and all and then I went to speak to my colleague to ask if that there were clients who came (they were perhaps her friends who always frequented this office).
She told me no one came at all.
Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Perhaps the 'couple' were just 'passing by' and I caught their conversation! Oh well!
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Why Men Leave Us (Women's version)
Theres always 2 sides to the story. The womens story and the true story. Of course most of the time we are so drowned in our own version of why our men dont want us anymore that we block out the tiny truth thats screaming at us.
Of course women also like to blow things up in proportions. We tend to over imagine, over react and over-cry. Ive had so many girl friends and Ive heard so many reasons (most tragically silly) that I am able to come up with a short essay on WHY MEN LEAVE US (OUR VERSION).
Here are some of the more prominent reasons :
1) Our asses got too big.....
and our tummys got so huge that we can't see our toes when we stand, and our double chins look like treasure chests.
Yeah, likely they'll leave you when you gain weight (more like 60pounds) but if he really loves you, he'd stick it through or stick a straw in you and start helping you suck off your fats. Not leave you.
If hes that superficial, then bohpian lor. you were unlucky.
2) He's got someone else that he fancies.
Your best friend, his work mate, his neighbour. Practically anyone whom we regard as a threat would be the reason why he left us.
They would coincidentally be prettier than us, sluttier than us, have less body hair and perkier assets.
3) We wont give him anal.
Yep. He needs his backdoor action. But we just wont give it to him. So he's left us for another bitch who would.
4) Our PMSes got out of hand.
Permanent menstrual stress. That probably stressed the fuck out of him, us being angry fuckwads during that period. We have possibly bitched the shit out of him.
5) We dont have sex like porn stars.
We can't compare to their agility and gymnastical capabilities. We don't bend funny ways and we dont' squirt. Our vaginas cant shoot pingpong balls out of it. Thats probably why they left us. We don't fulfill their fantasies :(
6) We've grown old...
and they've gone for fresher grass with dew. Younger chicks are able to keep up in the bedroom with them when they're 60.
7) Obviously not good enough.
We lack in everything possible needed in a gf. Thats why they felt the need to change us and upgrade themselves. The other girl's got firmer tits.
8) Our vaginas aren't tight anymore.
Those damn kegels aren't working!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FML.
9) We care too much about them.
Till the extent they find us naggy. We sound like their mother probably. No one wants to marry someone whose as naggy as their mother. They also took us for granted. We're too available to be there for them when they need it. Bastards.
10) We snore, fart and mutter utter rubbish in our sleep.
No guys want to sleep with girls who are just like men. Cerealsly.
11) We look damn 7 ugly after we remove our makeup.
That probably totally freaked the shit out of them, waking up looking like the Holocaust.
12) We spill too much shit on them.
Guys don't like hearing our chitchats, our problems. They want to hear moans. They want to hear 'Yes.' They want to hear the TV. Not sad, pathetic shit coming from our mouths. It's like painful static noise to them.
Of course women also like to blow things up in proportions. We tend to over imagine, over react and over-cry. Ive had so many girl friends and Ive heard so many reasons (most tragically silly) that I am able to come up with a short essay on WHY MEN LEAVE US (OUR VERSION).
Here are some of the more prominent reasons :
1) Our asses got too big.....
and our tummys got so huge that we can't see our toes when we stand, and our double chins look like treasure chests.
Yeah, likely they'll leave you when you gain weight (more like 60pounds) but if he really loves you, he'd stick it through or stick a straw in you and start helping you suck off your fats. Not leave you.
If hes that superficial, then bohpian lor. you were unlucky.
2) He's got someone else that he fancies.
Your best friend, his work mate, his neighbour. Practically anyone whom we regard as a threat would be the reason why he left us.
They would coincidentally be prettier than us, sluttier than us, have less body hair and perkier assets.
3) We wont give him anal.
Yep. He needs his backdoor action. But we just wont give it to him. So he's left us for another bitch who would.
4) Our PMSes got out of hand.
Permanent menstrual stress. That probably stressed the fuck out of him, us being angry fuckwads during that period. We have possibly bitched the shit out of him.
5) We dont have sex like porn stars.
We can't compare to their agility and gymnastical capabilities. We don't bend funny ways and we dont' squirt. Our vaginas cant shoot pingpong balls out of it. Thats probably why they left us. We don't fulfill their fantasies :(
6) We've grown old...
and they've gone for fresher grass with dew. Younger chicks are able to keep up in the bedroom with them when they're 60.
7) Obviously not good enough.
We lack in everything possible needed in a gf. Thats why they felt the need to change us and upgrade themselves. The other girl's got firmer tits.
8) Our vaginas aren't tight anymore.
Those damn kegels aren't working!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FML.
9) We care too much about them.
Till the extent they find us naggy. We sound like their mother probably. No one wants to marry someone whose as naggy as their mother. They also took us for granted. We're too available to be there for them when they need it. Bastards.
10) We snore, fart and mutter utter rubbish in our sleep.
No guys want to sleep with girls who are just like men. Cerealsly.
11) We look damn 7 ugly after we remove our makeup.
That probably totally freaked the shit out of them, waking up looking like the Holocaust.
12) We spill too much shit on them.
Guys don't like hearing our chitchats, our problems. They want to hear moans. They want to hear 'Yes.' They want to hear the TV. Not sad, pathetic shit coming from our mouths. It's like painful static noise to them.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Net making
I finally learnt my family's legendary net making skills for the first time.
Man my dad was so proud of me.
x
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