Men, know this.

Being afraid of bugs or anything else as much as us makes you look like pussified wanker.

Yes it includes roaches, mice, balloons, clowns, heights, and Madonna.

If you're afraid of it, suck it up and deal with it. It doesnt put you in our good books when you scream in a higher pitch than us.



Learn how to pee properly.

We don't mind if you don't put down the toilet seat, but PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ST PATRICKS, don't spray all over the bowl and then on the floor, and then act like its your god damn right to give our toilet bowls a golden shower.

Your penis musn't have met the rubber band yet.


Farting under the covers then pushing our head down and suffocating us

will not give you a happy ending. You will be severely scratched and punched and you'd have to sleep outside with the dog. What is it about men and farting?!


Comparing manhood with the ex's.

Asking us if your dick is the biggest we've ever had will only give you one answer - Yes. We won't tell you the truth. We know how fragile your ego is and how crushed and complexed you'd be if we were to ever tell you the truth. Unless you force feed us truth potion, forget about getting the truth out of us.


Other women in your life.

There can only be us, your mother and your sisters. In that order.

Any other women will be eliminated. You will henceforth be severely questioned, suspected and punished without further warning or evidence.


Not answering our calls.

It doesn't matter if you're busy or you're sleeping. Not answering our calls would only mean you're banging someone else, or contemplating on banging someone else.


When asking your opinions.

Does it make my fats bulge out? Does it make my thighs look like tree trunks? Does my boobs look stifled in these? The answer will be No, No, No. No matter how hard you're trying to tell us the truth, don't.

Unless you're willing to face another 30 mins of 'OMG I HAVE NO CLOTHES TO WEAR' when we have a gazillion outfits and 'WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME ANYMORE' and 'I'M SO FAT YOU DON'T WANT ME ANYMORE' crying sessions, the good thing is to tell the damn white lie. You'll thank yourself for that.


Men Cologne.

No matter how nice we tell you that you smell when you are all sweaty and manly, cologne will be very much appreciated after a thorough shower of chlorox and dettol. We make effort to smell nice for you, you make effort to smell nice for us. kthxbai.


We are extremely suspicious and dramatic people.

Anything you do out of line will immediately render you to become an asshole, a wanker, a jackass, a bastard. We are constantly suspecting you to do things that you haven even thought about and then make a big hooha out of it. Oh yeah, we make mountains out of mole hills.


Make small talk.

When we see you after a long hard day, the first question would be "hows your day, honey?" "Would you like a bear hug and a bucket of fried chicken?"

Wrong questions would be " Wheres dinner, hag?", "I need another beer thanks", "The house is dirty, why haven you cleaned it yet?"

This would give you a one way ticket to hell, and also, you wont be getting the chance to celebrate any fathers' day - ever.


Pretend to be interested.

We know you arent interested in gossip. We know crickets chirp in your mind when we start talking and you just stone. When we bitch about people, we appreciate answers that reciprocate our bitchy questions and remarks. If you say that's none of your business, or that we were wrong in the first place to bitch about that person, you're basically screwed.

It doesn't hurt for you to pretend.


We like to be protected.

We like to be the fragile flower/baby/bunny in your eyes. We may be strong on the outside, but on the inside we're shivering, bla bla bla yada yada. You know that we love being pampered and all. Please don't turn us into your maids or mothers. You have your own for that! You're suppose to take care of the damsel in or out of distress!!!!!!


We don't like stingy men.

Going dutch, or making the ladies pay, that shouldn't be the way. Of course its totally forgivable when you're students, but full time working males who can't even fork out money for a meal, or worse, go DUTCH, fucking stingy bastards, you just killed our libido to even like you or intro other pretty girls to you.

Given that you may not like us because we're not your cup of tea, being a gentleman, chivalry is definitely missing in you. Trying to save that few dollars and end up looking like a wanker is really really really really bad math.


We are not porn stars.

So don't expect us to know the positions, like it, or pretend to like it (as much as you do). We do not fancy anal as much, and we would appreciate it if you don't suggest to spraying us in the face. kthxbai.


Its okay to cry.

When someone you love passes away, when you get fired, or when your car gets stolen. Not when you knew Ricky Martin is gay, or when your pasta accidentally gets burnt.

You know, manly tears!