Men, know this.

Being afraid of bugs or anything else as much as us makes you look like pussified wanker.

Yes it includes roaches, mice, balloons, clowns, heights, and Madonna.

If you're afraid of it, suck it up and deal with it. It doesnt put you in our good books when you scream in a higher pitch than us.



Learn how to pee properly.

We don't mind if you don't put down the toilet seat, but PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ST PATRICKS, don't spray all over the bowl and then on the floor, and then act like its your god damn right to give our toilet bowls a golden shower.

Your penis musn't have met the rubber band yet.


Farting under the covers then pushing our head down and suffocating us

will not give you a happy ending. You will be severely scratched and punched and you'd have to sleep outside with the dog. What is it about men and farting?!


Comparing manhood with the ex's.

Asking us if your dick is the biggest we've ever had will only give you one answer - Yes. We won't tell you the truth. We know how fragile your ego is and how crushed and complexed you'd be if we were to ever tell you the truth. Unless you force feed us truth potion, forget about getting the truth out of us.


Other women in your life.

There can only be us, your mother and your sisters. In that order.

Any other women will be eliminated. You will henceforth be severely questioned, suspected and punished without further warning or evidence.


Not answering our calls.

It doesn't matter if you're busy or you're sleeping. Not answering our calls would only mean you're banging someone else, or contemplating on banging someone else.


When asking your opinions.

Does it make my fats bulge out? Does it make my thighs look like tree trunks? Does my boobs look stifled in these? The answer will be No, No, No. No matter how hard you're trying to tell us the truth, don't.

Unless you're willing to face another 30 mins of 'OMG I HAVE NO CLOTHES TO WEAR' when we have a gazillion outfits and 'WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME ANYMORE' and 'I'M SO FAT YOU DON'T WANT ME ANYMORE' crying sessions, the good thing is to tell the damn white lie. You'll thank yourself for that.


Men Cologne.

No matter how nice we tell you that you smell when you are all sweaty and manly, cologne will be very much appreciated after a thorough shower of chlorox and dettol. We make effort to smell nice for you, you make effort to smell nice for us. kthxbai.


We are extremely suspicious and dramatic people.

Anything you do out of line will immediately render you to become an asshole, a wanker, a jackass, a bastard. We are constantly suspecting you to do things that you haven even thought about and then make a big hooha out of it. Oh yeah, we make mountains out of mole hills.


Make small talk.

When we see you after a long hard day, the first question would be "hows your day, honey?" "Would you like a bear hug and a bucket of fried chicken?"

Wrong questions would be " Wheres dinner, hag?", "I need another beer thanks", "The house is dirty, why haven you cleaned it yet?"

This would give you a one way ticket to hell, and also, you wont be getting the chance to celebrate any fathers' day - ever.


Pretend to be interested.

We know you arent interested in gossip. We know crickets chirp in your mind when we start talking and you just stone. When we bitch about people, we appreciate answers that reciprocate our bitchy questions and remarks. If you say that's none of your business, or that we were wrong in the first place to bitch about that person, you're basically screwed.

It doesn't hurt for you to pretend.


We like to be protected.

We like to be the fragile flower/baby/bunny in your eyes. We may be strong on the outside, but on the inside we're shivering, bla bla bla yada yada. You know that we love being pampered and all. Please don't turn us into your maids or mothers. You have your own for that! You're suppose to take care of the damsel in or out of distress!!!!!!


We don't like stingy men.

Going dutch, or making the ladies pay, that shouldn't be the way. Of course its totally forgivable when you're students, but full time working males who can't even fork out money for a meal, or worse, go DUTCH, fucking stingy bastards, you just killed our libido to even like you or intro other pretty girls to you.

Given that you may not like us because we're not your cup of tea, being a gentleman, chivalry is definitely missing in you. Trying to save that few dollars and end up looking like a wanker is really really really really bad math.


We are not porn stars.

So don't expect us to know the positions, like it, or pretend to like it (as much as you do). We do not fancy anal as much, and we would appreciate it if you don't suggest to spraying us in the face. kthxbai.


Its okay to cry.

When someone you love passes away, when you get fired, or when your car gets stolen. Not when you knew Ricky Martin is gay, or when your pasta accidentally gets burnt.

You know, manly tears!

Given my brother's nature and his love for hilux, toyotas, ammunition and looking like an idiot , he'd do this if he had enough moolahs.

or when zombies were attacking.

3 leg and the evil bastard.

ok, so recently bunny has been quite a bit of an arse, so he wanted to bring me out for a meal to make up for it.

At first I said yes to TGIF's (our fav place), then I changed my mind, and decided to get mice as pets (cos they're so freaking amazing and don't bite).

So we went to the petshop and they say mice are only reared in the factories to feed the pythons and arowanas and are hardly sold at the shops.

So I settled for these:



A pair of dwarf winter white hamsters.

They don't bite (as often as others!) and are quite tame!





This is 3 leg (sa ka).



so cute right?

The reason its called 3 leg is because ..............



It only has 3 legs wtf. HAHAHAHAHAHa. Despite its disability, it is so friendly and uber cute when it waddles around with only 3 limbs. Everyone had a good time taking the mickey out of poor 3 leg. But its so cute. And it doesnt bite! <3 u!


Now meet 4 leg (DUH!) aka The Evil Bastard

Reason being, it looks evil and bites (well not hard, just nibbling at my skin) and bullies 3 leg.




Actually quite cute also lah :P



They both love to snuggle next to each other when they sleep.

Loves!

Spooky encounter

Ok so today something freaky happened at work.

At about 3.30pm I felt very dizzy and tired (I strongly believe that was pure laziness) so I propped my chair pillow on the desk and closed my eyes for a bit. For that 1.5 hours it was like temporary paralysis. I couldnt wake up I couldnt lift my neck, I could only open my eyes for about a second then I passed out again.

I also know something superstitious if you believe it : that spirits were controlling you (or something similar to that extent) - or just extreme tiredness.

But the funny thing was, I clearly heard 2 clients (a man and a woman) come into our office, spoke loudly in mandarin, and went to the back of the office (perhaps to use the toilet) and they never came back out. Then I tried my best to wake up because everytime I tried to wake up and prop my neck up I just fall back in. So this time I mustered every strength to wake up,slapped myself awake, then I went to pee and all and then I went to speak to my colleague to ask if that there were clients who came (they were perhaps her friends who always frequented this office).

She told me no one came at all.


Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Perhaps the 'couple' were just 'passing by' and I caught their conversation! Oh well!

Why Men Leave Us (Women's version)

Theres always 2 sides to the story. The womens story and the true story. Of course most of the time we are so drowned in our own version of why our men dont want us anymore that we block out the tiny truth thats screaming at us.

Of course women also like to blow things up in proportions. We tend to over imagine, over react and over-cry. Ive had so many girl friends and Ive heard so many reasons (most tragically silly) that I am able to come up with a short essay on WHY MEN LEAVE US (OUR VERSION).

Here are some of the more prominent reasons :

1) Our asses got too big.....

and our tummys got so huge that we can't see our toes when we stand, and our double chins look like treasure chests.

Yeah, likely they'll leave you when you gain weight (more like 60pounds) but if he really loves you, he'd stick it through or stick a straw in you and start helping you suck off your fats. Not leave you.

If hes that superficial, then bohpian lor. you were unlucky.

2) He's got someone else that he fancies.

Your best friend, his work mate, his neighbour. Practically anyone whom we regard as a threat would be the reason why he left us.

They would coincidentally be prettier than us, sluttier than us, have less body hair and perkier assets.

3) We wont give him anal.

Yep. He needs his backdoor action. But we just wont give it to him. So he's left us for another bitch who would.

4) Our PMSes got out of hand.

Permanent menstrual stress. That probably stressed the fuck out of him, us being angry fuckwads during that period. We have possibly bitched the shit out of him.

5) We dont have sex like porn stars.

We can't compare to their agility and gymnastical capabilities. We don't bend funny ways and we dont' squirt. Our vaginas cant shoot pingpong balls out of it. Thats probably why they left us. We don't fulfill their fantasies :(

6) We've grown old...

and they've gone for fresher grass with dew. Younger chicks are able to keep up in the bedroom with them when they're 60.

7) Obviously not good enough.

We lack in everything possible needed in a gf. Thats why they felt the need to change us and upgrade themselves. The other girl's got firmer tits.

8) Our vaginas aren't tight anymore.

Those damn kegels aren't working!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FML.

9) We care too much about them.

Till the extent they find us naggy. We sound like their mother probably. No one wants to marry someone whose as naggy as their mother. They also took us for granted. We're too available to be there for them when they need it. Bastards.

10) We snore, fart and mutter utter rubbish in our sleep.

No guys want to sleep with girls who are just like men. Cerealsly.

11) We look damn 7 ugly after we remove our makeup.

That probably totally freaked the shit out of them, waking up looking like the Holocaust.

12) We spill too much shit on them.

Guys don't like hearing our chitchats, our problems. They want to hear moans. They want to hear 'Yes.' They want to hear the TV. Not sad, pathetic shit coming from our mouths. It's like painful static noise to them.

nomnomnom.

Net making

I finally learnt my family's legendary net making skills for the first time.

Man my dad was so proud of me.

x

I am grateful for...

I am thankful and grateful for :

• the fact that I have an ensuite bathroom. Means I dont have to share my toiletbowl and shampoos with anyone!
• my aircon even though its a gazillion years old and spits ice at me when it feels like it. It means I dont have to sleep in the heat and sweat like cock every night.
• fried chicken. oh. you. are. god. sent.
• Revive drink. There is no other drink better than you are!
• my pretty nice nen nens. Without them I will just be a fat girl with no breasts.
• the fact that I am kiasu in studying. If not, I wouldnt have made it past primary 6. I wasnt a very bright student, I still am not.
• the people who have been kind, generous and patient with me. Without you, I wouldnt have been here today.
• the knowledge of karma. Keeps me in line and prevents me from doing all the evil things.
• having music in my life. I wouldnt know what to turn to in times of need.
• not being butt ugly. I may be fat, but not butt ugly. Hee hee.
• having a cell phone.
  
• not being fatally ill.
• people who understand.
• cars. Then we don't have to walk in the heat.
• body shaping lingerie. My guts havent hung out in a longgg time.
• not having a muffin top.
• being photogenic.
  
• bringing joy into peoples lives (more than heartache).
• skinny jeans!
• having the cutest and most annoying dogs on earth!
• tao kae noi seaweed!
• always having food when I am hungry.
• that there is always someone to drive me to work and pick me up.
• not having to financially support anyone else younger than me.
• rainy days when the weather is hot.
• soggy french fries.
• instant noodles.
• ready to glue manicured nail tips!
• hair straighteners.
• knowing the fact that tomorrow will always be a better day.
• being short. Then I'll always be slightly smaller when tall people stand next to me. Still doesnt hide the fact that Im fatter. hwahwahwahwahwahwa.
• nice teeth. So my parents didnt have to fork out our limited money to get our teeth fixed.
• having nice toes.
• sensitive hearing. I can ALWAYS hear people talk bad about me (when they are close in proximity) when im asleep.
• knowing to read and write in mandarin.
• having a slight upper hand in the kitchen.
• wax. keeps unsightly hair away.
• heels. Makes short people like me look slightly taller.
• CONCEALER. Covers all the ugly and makes you slightly bearable looking.
• super ring chips. yumyumyum.
• the TV sitcom F.R.I.E.N.D.S.
• always having a second chance.
• forgiveness.
• having someone there to catch me when I fall.
  

This is bro and me at the beach.

My bro is an army man and yes I know I look like an idiot. But this is all justified when you guys know that I am trying to stay out of the sun, sand and the sandflies. They itch like a motherfucker ok! But still have to go to the beach cos its a family outing

ANYWAY.

My bro is 2% Businessman, 3% cleaner, 20% Annoying, 30% lazy and 45% navy man! HEHEHEHEHE.

Then I told my mother, " WALAO, this pic I look like tourist OBASAN (aunty) with the hat, white blouse, sportshoes bla bla whole ensemble".

Then she misheard and said, " ya. like O-bak chang (rice dumpling)."

nabehcibai.

VERY FUNNY HOR.
Deng.

Hot hunk

Who is this hot hunk???????????

Some korean guy ke???? J-pop singer?!?!?!?!




WRONG.

This one is my LAO PEH OK!

MY FATHER, MY DAD, MY ATM MACHINE, MY MONEY TREE, MY SUPPORTER. BWAHAHAHAHA.

61 this year. Still hotter, cuter and more guailan than your daddy.

BOOYAH!

Coronation Chicken Wrap

This is how you make Corontation Chicken like the British and charge people RM35 for a wrap :




How to make the chicken :

Lotsa Mayo.

Some curry powder.

Some pepper.

Some Raisins.

Lotsa boiled chicken breast.

Make the mayo sauce before adding the chicken breast in.




Finely sliced lettuce and onions.





Tortilla wrap.


You're set.

YUM!

Annoying Cough Remedy

If you ever have a persistent cough and keeps you up the whole night, and you cough like a motherfucker during meetings and dates,

THIS IS YOUR LIFESAVER.

Get it.

It really really really works.

Dont mind my piggyfied face by squashing next to her giving her a kissyyyyyyyyyyy! She is so cute when she doesnt cry!

Oh nom nom nom nom!

Do we see a half naked baby holding on to a vitagen bottle like a milk bottle? Yum yum. Gugu and Ah ma loves feeding her stuff when her mama isnt around! HEHEHEHEHEHe :P

Mum got mad at me when I casually said that I wont want to take care of my middle aged brothers when she passes on.

She got flipping mad.

Wtf? Have I suddenly risen in the family hierarchy to be the eldest child? Why do I have to live with such a burden at such a young age when it should be my brothers who are taking care of me?

Maybe it was quite harsh of me to say that. But these men have and will have wives in the future (ones married, ones still single, ladies anyone?). shouldnt these people be taking care of their husbands instead of me?

I think those exact words of...so you can take after me... rolled out of her mouth.

I will always watch out for my brothers. But I will not go to the extend of drowning them in my limited love, mum. I'm sorry. I guess you gave birth to the wrong daughter for this purpose.

Argh. So she already knows her priorities.

Sigh.

Kids these days.

Fate.

My belief defies all sense and logic. I strongly believe in FATE. Do you?

Fate is a funny thing.

I believe everything that happens, happens because of fate.
You meet someone, it is fate.
You become friends, also fated.

Everything happens for a reason. Fate.

The jam that you were stuck in this morning. Happens for a reason. Delays you from something. Impending car accident, robbery, getting that last doughnut. Something. Always for an unexplanable reason that you should be at a particular place at a particular time, or with a particular someone.

I believe that having a baby requires fate as well. Some couples try very hard, and they don't get a baby. You can blame it on infertility. I blame it on fate (well technically not blame), but I'd believe that fate got to do something with it. I know fate is an intangible subject to be discussed on, but hey, I'm chinese, believing in fate isnt that weird after all once you know that we eat monkey brains, fungied worms and other funky shit.

Sometimes people make mistakes. People abort their babies when they were young and afraid. Perhaps that was her only child that lifetime. OK. Maybe she didn't abort it, maybe she had an unknowing miscarriage. All these happens because of fate. Your baby wasn't fated to be with you this lifetime.

Just like how I was conceived. My mother was 37. She had 3 other miscarriages before me. She and dad only copulated twice that month. Then she had her period. Her period then miraculously stopped on the same day. Days later she started nauseating bla bla yada yada. BAM! She was pregnant. The doctors said I was clinging for dear life at the end of the womb. Fate. I was an impending miscarriage, but I fucking held on for dear life! FUCK YEAH! See, that is how I believe it was fate that brought me to this world to torture everyone else.

If you're a Christian. you can think of it this way : God has a plan for everybody. Everything happens for a reason. Same theory as fate. An unknown force that controls all actions and reactions of this universe.

Hence, I believe meeting someone is fate. I believe in owing someone gratitude in the past life. I believe in people owing me gratitude in their past life. Therefore me doing things for people, or people doing things for me , directly or indirectly.

My aunt used to tell me and the rest of her sisters. Everything boils down to fate. This life time we may be together. But next lifetime, even if you were standing in front of me, if we weren't meant to be sisters anymore, you'd never know that it was me standing in front of you. This always brings a tear to my eye whenever I thought of her golden words. That is to treasure the people you have this life, because once you've passed on, you'll never know them again. THAT is unless of course, you don't believe in reincarnation, rebirth, karma, past life bla bla bla.

Unfortunately, I believe strongly in that. I believe never to do things that you don't want others to do unto you. Sometimes it may not get you. It may get your loved ones, your spouse, your family, or worse, your children. I believe in karma. One can never be too good. But one can be too evil. And that is when you suffer. I get guilty conscious whenever I say something bad about anyone when I am utterly pissed off or upset. Then I'd slap myself and tell myself not to do it. Cos I know how it feels when someone says something about me. But I just can't help it. It's human nature.

I always want to help homeless animals. But mum always tells me, " you cant save the world". And to which I will always reply, "at least this one's world will be much better with my help". She is right. I can't save everyone (including animals). But at least the animals which i've helped would have benefited from it.

I believe in meeting that someone to spend the rest of your life with. Not so much of the commercialized happily ever after, love at first sight fiasco. More like someone who is the exact opposite of you. Ying and Yang. Some one who completes what you lack. I strongly believe in that. I believe that you can love many people in your lifetime, but that special one is the one who is the missing piece to your jigsaw puzzle. No, this is not romantic shit! It's true. I've met several men in my life, and they always have something missing. Yeah I understand that no one is perfect. You can't ever find mr. perfect, but you can always find that mr. perfect for you. Remember that. I used to think that I'd never find someone again. But hey, I was wrong. And I was glad that I was wrong (for the first time!).

I wonder what would happen to the children who send their parents off to old folks homes. Do their lifes really improve once chucking the people who brought you up to old folks homes? Yes, I know they are pee incontinent, annoying and outrageously smelly. But when you were young, you peed and pooped everywhere, destroyed everything in the house, spent all their money and ruined their sleep. You do not see them chucking you into the orphanage right? I don't understand really?????? I only blame the spouses of the children who either talked them into doing it or didn't stop them from committing this sin. Indeed it is one of the saddest sights ever, seeing old people sitting alone, lost in life and without their chilren by their side. And when they're old, and when THEY get chucked into the home, they would have immensely regretted what they've done to their parents.

Fate. Life. Destiny.

Everything happens for a reason.

Watch out when you have missing animals on your farm!

When you find a Python as big as the one in the picture, all the money you spent putting up the electric fence seems worth it. No matter how great it could look in pictures and no matter how many stories you could tell about it, it is just not worth coming face to face with a monster of this size. The snake looks like it has just swallowed one of the sheep as its belly looks quite loaded.

You don’t really need an explanation on how the missing sheep story got solved but the sheep farmer will definitely have nightmares for a few weeks following the capture of the python. A python can swallow the animal, whole and later digest it at leisure. One big meal will last for weeks. The farmer is lucky the python had been taking the sheep and didn’t get close to him.

(Note: The wires are 10 inches apart.)

This is one of the funniest and truest article I've ever read. Took this off from somewhere on the net!

Enjoy reading!

The Ancient Fighting Style of the Angry Black Woman

By Alex Boonstra October 29, 2009 | Comments (17) | Share23

Yo, my name's Tiquasha Jackson. If there's one thing I've learned from growing up on the rough streets of anywhere black people live, it's that anywhere black people live it's a rough street. Ever since White Flight, black people have been popping up in more and more rural areas, infecting the neighborhood with drugs and crime. And while the basic techniques of self-defense might work against purse-snatchers and trench-coat-flashers, black people have genetically evolved to a more dangerous level of attacker. Not only do we blend into any dark background, but our eyes have a clear eyelid membrane to protect us from mace and pepper-spray. Also, today's Air Jordans not only contain the proper ankle support needed to scale 10-foot fences, but also have thick rubber soles to protect us from Taser attacks.

When you find yourself enveloped in the fiery hell that is black culture, you need a way to defend yourself. As proven by Martin Luther King, Jr. and Malcom X, simple reasoning and rationalization will only get your ass shot (may they rest in peace, brotha). No, the only way to survive in this harsh world is to throw all caution to the wind and fill yourself with hatred and chaos. While other fighting techniques require achieving a high level of physical and mental strength over the course of many years, the only way to defend yourself from the motherfuckas of the hood is to become bat-shit insane—and that only takes a day or two. That is why I am here to help you learn how to fight like an Angry Black Woman.

The Angry Black Woman fighting style has been as much of black culture as fried chicken and hating white people. In times of confrontation, all logic is pushed aside and two grimy bitches are forced to physically battle. Whether your baby's daddy be sleepin' with another hoe, or some bitch be dancin' too close to you in the club, the Angry Black Woman fighting style is a universally accepted approach to conflict resolution in black culture. And while black brothas carry guns and knives, their female counterparts carry a much more deadly weapon: bottled rage. If unleashed, this anger can be focused into a tantrum of thrashing manicures and high heels. I am here to teach you how to defend yourself against this lethal wrath, and how to develop your own style of Angry Black Woman.

Unlike skinny-ass white bitches who are all talk, black women are one of the deadliest forces in the world, second only to hurricanes and European soccer fans.The first step to survival is recognizing your surroundings. Is there loud, violent rap music playing? Are there people "walking it out" and "pop, locking, and dropping it"? These dance mating rituals are common amongst black people, and getting in the way of them could end fatally. If you find yourself surrounded by jiggling booties, drinks, and two-steps, you know to keep your guard up.

In time the atmosphere of blunts, crack rocks, and grape soda will bring everyone to a "crunk" level of aggression, and the angry black women in the crowd will begin to emerge. They can be spotted by their unprecedented ghetto haircuts and supreme level of confidence, a skill unknown to the skinny, whiny, white woman. Similar to peacock feathers, these ghetto black hairstyles are a way of flamboyantly exhibiting female individuality during these mating rituals. Other traits include an excessively disproportionate ass bouncing around, accompanied by a protruding belly and sagging tits.

While other fighting styles include silent attacks and devious schemes, Angry Black Woman is very blatant. This is good, because it allows others to pick up on the signs of an arising scuffle and prepare accordingly. The fights could break out for a number of reasons, ranging from someone stealin' someone else's man, to spilt Kool-Aid. Whatever the case, the Angry Black Woman fighting style fits a defined progression of anger before exploding into a rampage of chaos.

The first sign you will pick up on is the yelling. This incoherent screaming can be heard for miles, and is a warning to all other hoes that they had better back off, lest they want an altercation. But the shouting is nothing more than belligerent rambling, consisting of sentence fragments and the word "Fuck." Sayings like, "Oh, I'ma smack dat bitch!" and, "Oh no you didn'!" will be repeated over and over during the first stage of Angry Black Woman. It is during this time that you should take note of the nearest exits.

Unlike skinny-ass white bitches who are all talk, black women are one of the deadliest forces in the world, second only to hurricanes and European soccer fans. Eventually, the yelling will escalate to the next stage of combat, in which the black women will prepare for confrontation. In order to properly whip her opponent's ass, the woman must remove her jewelry, shoes, and heavy clothing, making her more aerodynamic and dexterous in the melee. If you plan on participating, remove your earrings, necklace, and bracelets, all while continually yelling threats. If you are wearing high heels, take them off and hand them to a friend. Similar to Roman gladiators and Spartan warriors, you are now ready for battle.

In contrast to other fights in which the two opponents circle one another in the arena, the Angry Black Woman style is all about power. And few things are scarier than a full-grown black woman charging at you with claws drawn. In a true clash of force, the two or more fighters will blitz towards each other, resulting in an explosion of brawn in the center of the fracas.

In this pandemonium of anarchy and hatred, there are many different moves black women use. If you can recognize the following types of attacks, you will stand a better chance of survival.

1. The Hair Grab
   
   Without her shoes, a black woman's center of gravity is severely thrown off. Upon colliding into a fury of fists, women will grab onto anything they can for stability. This typically results in both women clutching each other's hair with one fist and wailing upon each other's heads with the other. Alternating blows will occur until one girl fails to remain balanced without her shoes and falls to the ground.
   
   One thing that should be kept in mind is that many black women have hair extensions, weaves, or even wigs. Ripping out a women's hair is a surefire way to rack up points during a brawl, and the pain associated with ripping out a weave is enough to make a full-grown woman pass out.
   
   
2. The Spit
   
   Using bodily fluids to defend oneself is a technique used by many animals of prey, and is no exception in the Angry Black Woman fighting style. When one woman finds her limbs entangled and is unable to physically hit the other, she will resort to spitting large wads of saliva into the other's face, not only humiliating them, but affecting their ability to see. If used correctly, the spit could render your opponent blind.
   
   
3. The Claw
   
   This is the most aggressive of attacks, named after the claw-like appearance of a black woman's fingers. Outfitted with long nails, one swipe of this powerful hand could dig deep into the skin, drawing blood and ripping out more hair. Remember, the more hair you pull out of her head, the less of a ghetto haircut she will be able to display in the future.
   
   
4. The Arm Maul
   
   If one does not have the proper fingers for the Claw and finds herself on the losing end of a Hair Grab, she can resort to psychotically flailing her arms toward her opponent, hitting whatever lies in her path. This charge is typically used upfront, as each woman is desperate to lay the first blow to her foe. It can also be used as a last resort, in an attempt to take out your rival before she knocks you the fuck out. The only downfall of the Arm Maul is that it leaves your head open to counterattacks.
   
   
5. The Shoe Smack
   
   In the turbulence that is an Angry Black Woman fight, many bitches will be entering and exiting the maniacal mosh pit, either catching their breath or healing from a painful smack while others continue to fight. Occasionally, before jumping back into the vortex, some women will grab a shoe they took off and use it as a weapon. Sharp heels can be used to stab a challenger, and long straps can turn the average shoe into a medieval ball and chain.

So there you are, immersed in a massacre of weaves and fake nails. Eventually, the two of you will lose your footing and the duel will move to the ground. Normally, both fighters would be allowed to stand back up for the fight to resume, but this is hardly a normal fight. In Angry Black Woman, a fight on the turf turns into a ground-and-pound that would make UFC fighters flinch. The grappling involved in a ground skirmish shows the versatility of this fighting technique, and the level of intensity is increased with every dangerous second the fight remains on the ground.

You've come this far, and if you plan on knocking this skank-bitch out, there are a few things to keep in mind.

1. Show No Dignity
   
   Perhaps the one thing that separates Angry Black Woman from other combat methods is the lack of dignity both fighters show. Just because this fight has moved to the ground doesn't mean you have to worry about getting dirty. In times of such ferocity, the one who pauses to fix her shirt is the one who gets knocked the fuck out.
   
   
2. Rip Off Her Clothing
   
   While rolling around in the filth of a dance floor or neighborhood sidewalk, you are going to lose your firm grip on this bitch's hair. Not to worry, because once the fight has gone to the ground, a different objective arises: to rip every possible article of clothing off of your opponent. Loose tassels, long sleeves, and necklaces are fair game in this tug-o-war, all while maintaining a consistent barrage on the back of her head. Extra points if you manage to make one of her tits pop out.
   
   
3. Kick Her While She's Down
   
   Perhaps the only benefit of keeping your shoes on is the ability to kick once the fight has gone to the ground. Sharpened heels can cripple a rival, and legs can typically reach further than flapping arms. That, and kicking an opponent while she's down ensures that you have suppressed enough character to win this fight.
   
   
4. Execute the Head Smash
   
   Equivalent to the Fatality in Mortal Kombat games, the head smash is the ultimate finishing move to this fight. Once you have endured the entire battle and left your foe a crumbled ball of half-naked worthlessness, the head smash is the climactic finale. Simply grab what is left of your opponent's hair (if all the hair is gone, palm that bitch's head like a basketball) and use it to smash her face off the pavement. This conclusion to the fight shows everyone that you are the boss, and that you will inflict permanent brain damage to anyone stupid enough to challenge you.

Congratulations! You just won your first Angry Black Woman duel! You can now survive in the harsh crusade of black culture, keeping your reputation up and also working your way to Head Bitch In Charge. Just keep in mind that every fight will be a different battle and that in order to truly be the best you need to practice all the time. Maybe find a nappy-headed hoe who will let you smash her around a bit, or join a gym that allows you to spar in heels. Learning to battle under different conditions in different scenarios will ensure your strength.

Whatever the case, know that Angry Black Woman is a very serious technique and is not to be practiced negligibly. It is my hope that with this guide, Angry Black Woman will become a way for black culture to rise up from the ashes and show those other martial arts who's the head bitch in charge.

Yeah that's right bitch, I'm talkin' to you. Oh what did you just say?! Oh no you didn'! I'ma smack dat bitch!!

China making fake eggs???????

A local newspaper Zhengzhou Daily in China reported on Aug 13, 2007 that resident Mr. Wang, who’s selling food additive for many years, found that the chicken eggs he bought on night market it’s fake. Therefore, he reported to the police. The government had found that the eggs are actually made of chemical ingredients
Why make fake eggs? It is all because of money. The cost of fake egg is only 0.55 Yuan/kg, while the true eggs’ market price is 5.6 Yuan/kg.

Below is the process of making a fake egg.

Additive liquor for making egg yolk

Egg yolk is ready after concreting

Putting egg white on egg yolk

The artificial egg can be fried sunny-side up or steamed. Although bubbles appear on the white of the egg, those who have tasted it say the fake stuff tastes very much like the real thing.

But experts warn of the danger of eating fake eggs. Not only do they not contain any nutrients, a Hong Kong Chinese University professor warned that long-term consumption of alum could cause dementia

FUCK ME.




This is some A class funny shit.

PPLEASEEEEE ENLARGE TO READ.

HAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Solitaire Diamond : A metaphorical comparison to the human character

I just realised something shocking :

A BIG ROCK (ie solitaire) doesn't turn me on. Lets say you went down on one knee and gave me a rock the size of a candy, I would say yes, but not very enthusiastically.

Do you know a GIA certified big rock costs how much anot!?!??!?!

HOW AM I NOT TURNED ON BY IT?????

I don't know.

However, I am very excited over cluster rings, or anything that is elaborate, sparkly and very shiny.

Some people say I'm 'jin kak' or 'jien' or 'cheap' to want something that is affordable for the guy. But I find these solitaires just mundane... and awfully boring. I don't need you to buy me a very very expensive pebble to tell me how much you love me (these pebbles can cost up to a downpayment of a house ok!).

I need something artistically crafted, thought put into it, and strategically placed.

I just want something fanciful! Like the person I really am. Affordable, excitable, shiny and very elaborated.

Now you know the real me! Metaphorically speaking, I'm Jo of all trades, master of none (if comparing to clusters of diamonds [the various topics and how much i know depending on d size of it] to a single solitaire.) Lets face it, I dont know an extreme lot about a particular subject, but I do know alot of many many different things - enough to get me fumbling by.

Oh yeah, the description fits perfectly! And so do all my fanciful rings!!!!!!!!!! :D

My to-kill list

Unfortunately, I have a to kill list but the bright side of it is, it isn't very long. I'm not one to dislike a person to an extent of having them killed off lah, but if you're on my list, that means you pissed me off, really really badly.

*names have been changed lor. You think I idiot isit!?!??!!?!?!?!?

(not in priority)

1. Sean Richard Mong

Asshole know-it-all who thinks he's the best anyone can get. Fuck shittard gets on my nerves by just even being in front of me. He's poor bird thinks the world of him, but we arent close, so I'll just leave her be. Its her choice anyway. I heard all her friends hate him, but she sticks up for him. Such a good gf. I am not surprised that no one likes him. Anyway. Just because people aren't doing things your way doesnt make them wrong. Doesn't give you the right to try to convince them to do it your way. Anyway, have you had a look in the mirror lately? My brothers are wondering when the hell you will live up to the name of being a man and grow some taste, class and graciousness. I guess that's something that no matter how much education you get, you can't have it all. Go piss off and live in your little deluded world where only your bird worships you. You're lucky to have her. Count your blessings, you vile vermin. You are cheap and stingy as you are inadequate in many other ways.

2. Anton Chong

God. Know it all. I think it's something that I hate about know it alls and how they try to press their views on me that they are correct. Especially how much better they are than the rest. Argh. Older than me, have more experiences, doesnt mean all girls will for you PLEASE HOR.


3. Karen Keu

Oh chica, if only you were smarter and stood up for what was right, I wouldnt have to kill you no matter how much I love you. You have no backbone, which has disapointed me on one too many occassions. I expected so much more from you. I expected intergrity. Only sometimes you showed me that.

You have no friends, well besides the few of us who stood by you no matter how much shit others gave you. Think your steps before you lose all your friends.

I would unfortunately have to kill you off before you influence other female species with your theories. This is not out of hatred, don be misunderstood.


4. Madeleine Kwan

The most meddlesome person I've ever met in my whole life. Nabeh everything also must interfere, meddle and have a say in it. NIASENG!

As much as she is meddlesome, she is extremely critical and tends to forget that she herself is as imperfect as the others and always expect the others to meet her standards before getting shot down like a kamikaze plane.

Beh tahan. As much as I love her to bits, I will have to kill her, or myself. But I think it's easier killing someone else than yourself!

5. Jorden Theng

As much as I used to like him and unfortunately dated him out of pity, he has no class lor. Let's not get into this ugly topic of why we broke up, why we can't talk to each other anymore, and why we've cut off all contact.

If anyone were an expert on terrorism attacks, it'd be him. And my home would be the first one to go!




and then i realised there's not many people that I have to kill!

I am so kind! HAH!

To kill list.

I stand a firm believer on the basis that no matter how much education you received, it doesnt mean you have class, or for that fact, taste. or even further, chivalry. or graciousness. my goodness. i never knew that someone could live a life thus long without EITHER qualities!

You are unfortunately on my to kill list as of today.

If i see you dying on the roads, rest assured I wont stop by to save you.

You have just crossed the line, little man.

monkey lies!

You seriously got to enlarge this pic and laugh your arses off.

Its worth it man! HAHAHAAHAAHAHAHA.

Thinking about it, its almost 2 years since I've returned home.

I've grown up (hopefully) from that ordeal.

And if I knew that it was the end, I would have done it differently, sad to say.

But it just wouldn't be me, would it?

Silly Jo. Silly determined, deluded, persevering Jo.

I could have saved myself from alot of trouble and unnecessary turmoil.

Sleepless nights of endless torture.

But now its different. You are no longer part of my nights. You're just another closed chapter in which, I wish, never revisited. It's just too painful to.

Goodbye. You know its for the best.

so sad, but so true.

Moral Boost

Whenever I'm feeling down.. or when I'm having the feeling that my arse needs another whole new zip code, I go to this site, and I instantly feel so much better!

Remember, this is only for fat girls having fat days!

Smile!

Ah, it never fails!

God is fair......

You know when people say that God is fair, and never date someone off the net who only shows her face pictures?




SO GORGEOUS RIGHT???????? WTF. SO pretty. Can't stand it.



They're probably right.

I mean, she's gorgeous and all, but never a chance in hell would I picture that beautiful face with that body!!!!!!!!!!! >_<

iDo Jewellery

So my cousin Tammy commented on a pic on FB and I went over to have a look see what see was looking at.

Lo and behold its a local jewellery site for rings! then I got mega excited, cos kan, I LOVE JEWELLERY! All the bling bling just makes me jump up and down!!!! Anyway hor she was looking at engagement or wedding rings lah, so I also kay poh kay poh go and see, and the designs are actually pretty amazing!

*click me!*

These jewellery are handcrafted specially to fit your desires. Any kind of design you tell them, they'll try to do it for you. Be it the Cartier, Tiffany, LV, whatever the brand, they'll make it for you for so much less than the actual cost of the branded product!!!!!

What really caught my eye was this :

Their rings are comfortably designed to sit nicely on your finger without biting into it. Not that I'm eagerly waiting to be proposed, I love having options to look at while waiting for it! :P ANYWAY HOR. The design that caught my attention was this :

I like the word engravings. But not the word 'DREAMS'. But these 4 words, making up the whole ring 'FAITH', 'HOPE', 'TRUST' and 'LOVE'. So when either party decides to give up on each other and cheat or bla bla bla, they look down on their hands and realise that they should hold on a little longer, have some faith, hope and trust in each other. Love is still somewhere inside there, hidden. LOVE MY THEORY LEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. niaseng, should copyright this ring :P

The designer of this jewellery range , Oo Poh Ling told me that all her rings are comfort fit, so its worth all the money as it will be extremely comfortable to wear, and I have no cause to doubt her. What is most important is that it is comfortable enough for you to wear it daily right?!?!?!?!!?? if not how, spend so much money (i'm quite stingy!) put one side?!?!?!!?!? nabeh!

Here are more designs that tickled my fancy! :

I've always loved pearls, and I'm still waiting for the day when i'm matured (old lah) enough to wear them!!!!!!

Have always loved personalised name necklaces! Look how unique theirs is compared to my extremely cheap one! :P

This is how their system works :

Click on the image to enlarge it to read it better k? They have simplified their step by step instruction takings so it will be easier for both the customer and the designer!

Sorry ar Poh Ling, your site cannot save pictures, so had to print screen them to my convenience!!!!!!!

Anyway Poh Ling, REALLY LOVE YOUR SITE LOR. Now I do nice nice advertorial, next time need your services must give big big discount ok >_<|||| people who stumbled upon my site and henceforth visit her site for enquiries please use my name and tell her, so maybe she'll give us discounts too *sniggers* just joking lah ok! :P ANYHOW, thumbs up for your great jewellery designs! you're definitely on my top list should I need a designer for my rings!

I DO JEWELLERY

On a slightly different topic, but nevertheless on the general topic of rings, this is what I want engraved on my ring (if the guy I'm gonna marry is going to eventually get down on his knees) :

Yesterday. Today. Forever.

I know I mentioned this somwhere before lah in my blog. But its important and its uber romantic OK! hehehehehehehehehehehehehe.

Get abs the easy way!

If these were useful instead of a flop, we'll be super hot every weekend at the beach.

Man, killer abs!

This is what happens when brother and sister procreates.

Or when a blonde irrevocably becomes dumb.

Or when you were dropped on your head when you were a baby.

Or when you're just too pretty and God decides that no one is perfect.

Nostalgia Newcastle

Suddenly I had the urge to go back to the UK, particularly Newcastle to relive the best time of my life, where there were no worries and the weather wasn't melting my brains away. Gosh, how I really miss the cool weather, and lots of cheap alcohol.

here is what I'd do if there's a chance for me to return back to the UK, not in chronological order though:

1) Go to primark and have a look see of course.

2) Go Digital, Tiger Tiger and Sea clubbing (or wherever is hipper by the time I'm back) and then drink all the cheap alcohol and order kebab takeaway after clubbing.

3) Walk by Tyne River at Sunset..*sigh*

4) Go have chinese food at Mango's, Chinatown.

5) Go back to Jasmine at Chinatown and order my fav dishes : Wan tan Mee & fried pork chop noodles with extra szechuan vege & ham sui gok nomnomnomnomnomnomnom

6) Walk into Aspers Casino just to feel like a VIP. Hehehehehehehehehehehe.

7) Watch a movie at Odeon (i m not sure if its still Odeon now) then pick the best seats on earth cos it's free sitting!!!!!!!!!

8) Walk up and down Northumberland street at least 200 times :(

9) Take the Metro and go to Tynemouth for Marshall's Fish & Chips den tapao go to the beach and eat. nomnomnom.

10) Take a bus to Wideopen to visit Gloria and sit in her cosy house.

11) Eat CORONATION CHICKEN WRAP! with a bag of crisp, and a bottle of fanta. ooooh, life of a student bum.

12) Go back to NHS clinic and steal all their free condoms :P

13) Go watch a play at the theaters.

14) Go Kublai Khan and see whats really going on in there. How do they eat their roast?!

15) Circle the Monument 5 times as homage.

16) Run into Grainger market and see all the fantabulous fruits and veges again.

17) Raid the thrift stores for bargains.

18) Stock myself up with Rogan Josh bottled sauce to bring back home from Morrisons! Tesco! Asda!

19) Buy desserts from Marks & Spencers YUM!

20) Buy a steak bake pasty from Greggs and eat it in the cold sitting on a bench watching the world go by........

21) Seat No.1 bus back to Heaton and go back to 8 Meldon to see where I was living. Then walk to Heaton Park for a stroll .

22) Stop by Heaton Perk for hot cocoa.

23) MUST. STOP. AT. DIXY. CHICKEN.

24) Go back to Ramsbottom-Lancashire to visit Grandma and Grandpa, and everyone else there :(

25) Chase pidgeons, wherever they are.

26) Go to the Carvery in Rammy for a full roast meal. YUMYUM.

27) Take a walk down to Glenamara House and see how its changed.

28) Buy lots of winter socks to wear to bed in my air con room. OOOOH lotsa tights as well!

29) Go to the park opposite of Sutherland Building and spot lil bunnies !

30) Travel to Whitley Bay and enjoy the beach.

31) Sit in Frankie's & Benny's and enjoy their hot meals.

32) Go blue bamboo and oogle and half naked bartenders.

33) Take a bus to Beamish again! Love that place :)