Goodbye Ah Ma.

February 11th was a horrible time for us.

Ah ma passed away.

It was only a 4 days ago when the doctor discovered the tumour in her lungs. It spread to her brains before we could even go back on friday to see her. She passed away thursday morning.

I was not exceptionally close to her. but the love, the bond was there. She loved me, I loved her. That was it. She love my big bro the most. He was the first grandson. When we heard the news while eating breakfast, big bro broke out in silent tears as he ate his prawn noodles My heart broke having to see my big brother cry. I have never seen him cry. And I love him so much. I cried as well, and everyone ate in silence. We were on our way back to penang when we got the dreaded phone call in the wee hours of the morning.

Ah ma could not wait for us to go back to see her.

The thing is, she didnt know she passed on. She didnt even know she was ill. Her breathing failed and her heart stopped. She died just like that. She didnt even get to say goodbye to anyone.

We were in denial mode for the first 9hours on the highway. None of us wanted to face the cruel truth that dad's mum, ah ma, passed away. We talked, laughed and tried to put up a brave front for the gruelling long journey.

As we reached air itam, we suddenly stopped talking. we walked quickly into ah kong's house.

Immediately, tears rolled out of our eyes as we saw ah ma, rigid in her coffin. We couldnt even rush back in time to see her before she was put in the coffin. Regrets felt our heart. We did not even tell her how much we love her before she passed away. Mum and dad were even on the phone with her the night before... everything seemed fine and we thought she could at least wait a few more weeks before the tumour fully erupted. But no. Fate is a cruel thing. God decides when life starts, and when another end.

Aunty Rita was all tears when she saw us. Ah ma seemed so peaceful in her coffin.

It was near to chinese new year. Not much people except relatives came, as no one wanted bad luck.

Ah ma suffered in silence and refused to tell anyone that she was in pain. She didn't even burden anyone with her (unknown) illness. She left everyone before the trouble set in.

I slept by her coffin the 2 nights before she was buried. Someone had to keep her company. Big bro sat on chair and watched her while I slept. We didn't want her to be alone. I hope she knew that we love her even though we hardly say it.

She always called me liulian...which stands for durian. A pet name which is a story for another time. Weeks before her passing, when Aunty Rita called, she always thought it was me. And called out my name, Joanne. She never called my name Joanne, only calls me liulian. Aunty Rita was upset, but it was ok, as Ah ma was getting senile anyway. If ahma never called out my name, I probably wouldn't feel as bad as I do now. It showed that she was thinking of me. And I was never a good enough grandaughter to her. I took her for granted, that she would be there forever. But we all know everyone dies sometime.

Yesterday morning when me and mum woke up early to go marketing to cook food for ah kong. We waited for the toilet because ah kong was showering. It takes him 1 hr to shower now as he is old and does everything in his own time. As he walked out, he said he pitied ah ma, having to die. Then he started to break out in tears. An 86year old man, in his walker and clad in towel, crying in the middle of the hall, broke my heart. We missed her. And he definitely missed ah ma after 63 years of marriage.

The day of her burial.. today. Ah kong never saw her in her coffin. As the pastor reeled ah kong into the hall where the coffin was laid, ah kong stood up from his walker and leaned on the coffin. He broke into tears and mumbled her names a few times. He was also in denial that ah ma never passed away, but he had to face the reality that the love of his life is really gone. Everyone broke into tears as we saw the pillar of our strength, the man of the house, cry.

We sang hymns and cried. We missed her terribly and wished we didnt take her for granted (i'm assuming this). I missed her so much. She was always so wonderful to me even though she didn't take care of me when I was a baby.

As the undertakers closed her coffin, I mutter goodbye, ah ma, and tears rolled down my eyes. My dad couldnt talk the whole morning and he just stood by ah ma's coffin in silence the whole morning. I knew how devastated daddy was as ah ma loved him so much. She may not have obviously shown her love, but always offering to make coffee for him even though she was 80 showed daddy enough that she loved him in her own way.

We bought a plot of land in the khoo kongsi cemetry to lay her body to rest. We all stood around her grave today. We saw the undertakers lower her coffin. As the pastor said the last few prayers and had a moment of silence, Daddy suddenly muttered out loud, "bye bye ma ma" as he finally broke down and cried. I quickly rushed to his side and I cried as well while hugging papa. It was the first time in my whole life hearing daddy calling ah ma, mama. He always called her mother. Nothing affection. But this time, he finally called her what he was calling her since he was a child. A child moaning for his dead mother. He was finally a child again, while standing in front of her grave.

We bade ah ma good bye at her grave while we stood almost an hour in the hot midday sun, watching the undertakers put soil into her grave. We all missed ah ma so much.

It was her little ways that showed us that she loved us. And we of course love her so, even though we hardly show her our true feelings.

We had a dinner at ah kong's house tonight. It was the first time in SO many years that the family was reunited. Ah ma brought us all together. We are blessed that by ah ma's passing, we finally found unity again.

We love you ah ma. Rest in peace. You are in the save hands of the Lord now.