6 years ago, when I was 18, I had this pent up fantasy about the man I was to marry, how old I'd marry and how many kids I will have. I had my whole life planned out in front of me. From what kind of man he'd be and what house we'd be living in. My mum of course played a major role in my dream planning and had planted lots of seeds of unrealisticism in it.
Its all just a dream. It'll never happen in a milllion years in real life and still live to tell it (when its too good to be true, it actually really is.) Let me tell you why.
When I was 18 (my mum and) I had already planned that I would meet a wonderful Malaysian guy in UK and that we'd study together and then come back and work together then he'd propose with a ring as big as my fist. I'd also get married by 24 and have my first child when I was 26 and then wrap it up when I was 30.
He'd be tall, charming, a doctor or a lawyer, so much smarter than me, humorous and also chivalrous, and not forgetting disgustingly rich. You get the idea, the whole perfect package. He'd also be insanely in love with me and would do all the romantic things for me and give me surprises all the time. He would also drown me with pampering.
So far for that.
Along the way, I met so many different kinds of men. Of course I've also met the man that I had mentioned above. Rich, handsome, fit, highly educated, funny, bla bla bla.
You'd think that would be a happy ending for me. Well of course not, if it was I wouldnt be here writing this miserably boring post on my life.
It just didnt feel right. The chemistry wasn't there. I tried to over look it because he ticked all my boxes and liked me too. It was ok for a few months, but after that ..... it was just crap. It was more of an obligation for me to be with him. It became tiresome. Ok, you get the idea.
And as for me, I'd be a high flying corporate lawyer, wearing almost provocative suits to work and earning about 5 digits (by 24, because I think I'm so godamn smart and witty). I'd be slim by now and driving a BMW (downpayment sponsored by my parents of course). I'd move to the capital (KL DUH) to work and be away from the parents and finally have the freedom I yearn for. And of course i'd be the dream child that my parents dreamt of.
Guess where I am now.
I fell in love with a man who is tall, charming (only to me), not a doctor or a lawyer but still smarter than me (hopefully), unfortunately not disgustingly rich, actually not even remotely rich, not romantic at all and doesnt give me surprises unless I specifically hinted very obviously that I'd like to be surprised. And that sometimes he doesn't even do it. He gets on my nerves most times and has somewhat less than perfect table manners (but still bearable). He has a shoe size so big that Malaysia hardly caters his size. Its disapointing being unable to share my love for shoes with him. He is insensitive and just plain ignorant most times. The exact opposite of what I had dreamed of when I was 18.
And look at me. Sure I'm a barrister at law in England. That means jackshit if you're not called to the bar in Malaysia. Here I am, still struggling with my BM for the Xth time and still failing like a piece of shit. I am nothing in Malaysia. I'm only a clerk (its' either you're in the managerial position or the clericals). So. I earn less than a hard work labourer and I can't afford a vehicle. I am also currently and simultaneously coping with excessive weight issues which seems to get on my mothers nerves. Which loops me into the circle of imperfection, being her daughter. But thats another post for a more devastating day. Anyway. i'm struggling with weight issues due to the hormone imbalance that i've been bestowed with by the heavenly. oh the weight i put on when face with stress. Instead of being like a sea cucumber which squirts out its innards under pressure, I actually look like I've eaten several peoples' innards.
I don't own a car, I don't own anything. I wear provocative suits because i'm so fat that my breasts are bursting through the seams. I still live with my parents and thats the worst part. I'm still under their control even though i'm financially dependant. Here I am, not the golden child of my parents, perhaps the biggest disappointment in their lives. Not being to get a man of their preference, and not wanting to persue a career in Law (if it isn't obvious enough by now, I was co-erced into studying law and also tricked with false promises of many other things.). I have a figure of a an american hybrid potato and I can only wear things that are part lycra.
I will not get married this year, and I don't think I'll even be married by 26. I even suspect that I am infertile due to my irregular periods. I am overall an undesirable candidate for marriage, reproduction and the whole growing-old-together fiasco. I will only probably also have 1 kid (if god allows) because I saw how my family fell apart when my parents were trying to bring up 3 kids and sending them overseas (because you know, to them its so shameful to graduate locally. you'll just marry the same circle of poor people like they did).
My life is falling apart terribly and my mum seems to have such fun sending my ego to hell.
The only reason why i'm not slitting my wrists yet is because of the man I fell in love with 2 years ago. Sure he's not that highly educated. He's not disgustingly rich. He's nothing I've mentioned. But at least he shows promises of a slight happiness once I leave this home. He shows hope that I can again regain my self confidence of what a failure that I already am. He is the living proof that no one is perfect and that life still carries on. He is the sole reason that I have to carry on with my life when something bad happens.
There are no more dreams for me. Only cold harsh reality that got me re-evaluating my steps in life.
B, if you're reading this, don't feel bad that you weren't the guy I thought I'd be with when I was 18. I probably wasnt the best candidate that you found either so lets face it! we settled.
You gave me hope and hopefully, that is enough to tide me over the years. Happy 2 years B. I hope you know that I'll always stand by you.
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