HEED THIS OR ELSE :
- When your boss asks what you’re doing while you’re doing something other than work, the word ‘Nothing’ will never save you.
- When putting a customer on hold in order to give the phone to your manager, actually put them on hold. Don’t hold the phone to your chest and ask, "Can you help this lady? She’s really annoying." Yeah. She will still hear you.
- Just because you’re married to a girl doesn’t mean she won’t punch you in the face while taking a peek at her in the shower.
- Never play videos of hungry, distressed kittens to a female cat. She thought I was sitting on and squishing kittens, and bit me to get me to stand up. She’s still suspicious of me.
- When you park your car and notice a strong smell of petrol, before panicking and calling your father (who is a mechanic) check to make sure you are not parked next to a petrol station –_–
- Always check your shoes before putting them on. Sometimes your cat has been lavishly sick in one of them.
- Spell check does NOT catch the missing ‘r’ when you email your wife that "I spent the day under the car with a greasy wench."
- If you’re a chunky girl, and you lock your keys in your house, do NOT assume you will fit through your small bedroom window. You will get stuck, and the fire dept. will send only the hottest firemen to pull your butt out. Then you get to watch said fireman hop his sexy little butt through the same window to unlock your door for you.
- When you have a curious 6 year old girl in the house, do NOT leave your razor out in the open, otherwise you will find her three hours later with both eyebrows shaved off and school pictures the next day.
- When trying to complement your girlfriend tell her that she is prettier than her sister not her sister is uglier than she is.
- If you have dogs, keep you bathroom trash lid very secure. They can smell food, fear, and that time of the month.
- If your neighbour offers to give you a haircut, politely but firmly insist on deferring it until you are both completely sober.
- Squeezing fresh lemon juice is a great way to discover all the little cuts on your hands you didn’t know you had.
- When standing in your dimly lit bathroom, make sure the "bug" in your sink is NOT your wife’s diamond earring before you flick it into the drain.
- If your girlfriend is good in the sack. Telling her she can go pro is not considered a compliment.
- A declawed cat still has teeth.
- When bringing a chick over for the first time, when you bring her into your room make sure your desktop picture isn’t still the LAST chick you brought home.
- If your 3-yr-old is carrying the cat towards the kitchen muttering "kitty needs a bath," it’s really best to see what she’s planning. Especially if you have a dishwasher.
- When seeing a fellow officer of the opposite sex in public and out of uniform.. NEVER say in front of their spouse.. "you look so different in clothes".
- never say ‘take whatever you want’ to an ex over the phone as she is moving out, because you WILL come home to an empty house.
- When it comes to pooping, if it feels like an emergency, it’s probably an emergency.
- Always tip the pizza guy (or gal) well. They know where you live… and you can’t prove they did it.
- When preparing spahgetti for a first date, make sure the cooking wine you use in the sauce is NOT vinegar.
- The person shaking you awake is not the murderer from your dream. Do not punch him in the face.
- When visiting your significant other to engage in intimate behavior, ensure all the windows are completely closed. You never know who is outside to applaud your performance.
- Ladies: If you’re going to the beach it is always a good idea to trim up your bikini line. However, it is NEVER a good idea to do this the day of your trip. Especially if said trip is your honeymoon. Because apparently saltwater and freshly shaven skin do not mix well.
- When walking in public and you think a spider MAY be in your shirt make sure it’s not just your shirt’s tag before screaming and throwing off said shirt.
- When walking down the stairs in a movie theater always make sure to watch the stairs not the movie.
- "all the beer you can drink" is not a challenge…
- When washing your face never try to rinse it by throwing the water onto your face like in the commercials, you’ll get water on everything but your face.
- Chocolate Milk does NOT make Chocolate Cottage Cheese.
- A black cat will in fact crawl through a 4 inch gap in a car window, curl up in your black overcoat, and wait like an assassin until you pick up said coat and take a few steps before scaring half the life out of you.
- When watching Toy Story, do not say "I had a woody once."
- If you are doing electronics with your dad, and he says: "don’t touch that, it’s live" then NEVER touch it.
- You should know that Chinese restaurants probably don’t have bowls of butterscotch pudding for your kids on the buffet, that is HOT mustard.
- Be very careful when doing your homework late at night. ‘Erotic’ looks a lot like ‘Exotic’ in the spell check if you don’t look carefully, and your teacher will not be impressed if you submit an assignment mentioning ‘erotic food’.
- When you find out your BF is dating you ONLY because you share a name with his favourite video game character, it’s time to go.
- [1] When picking up a dark object in the bedroom at night, consider that it might be a black cat. [2] Picking up a black cat by the head is not a pleasant experience for either party.
- The answer to "Do you think I can sing?" is never "lol".
- If you’re cooking pasta and you dump the boiling water into the sink prior to straining it, but find the sink is clogged. Catch your instincts before you automatically reach in to try to remove the obstruction.
- Never accept the offer to hold your friend’s newborn right after he’s been fed, especially when you are wearing a new outfit. And did you know babies can explode from both ends at the same time?
- When scaring your little brother while he’s coming up an elevator, make sure it’s not the old lady living next door.
- NEVER say "Oh the warm salty goodness in my mouth" while eating McDonald’s frenchfries while your boyfriend is in the car, you will never live it down.
- When discussing your wife’s birthday present, don’t mention you got it at a 7-11 at 11:30 the previous night, even if she loves it.
- Even if it will make child care easier, never ask your mother to move in next door to you.
- While in a public bathroom, do not giggle at the lady in the stall next to you because she is having an explosive movement, you might find that you are out of toilet paper and now need to ask her for some.
- Sometimes a $5 haircut looks like you only paid $5 for a haircut.
- When your parents stay at your new apartment, giving them fresh sheets is not only courteous, it helps you remember to remove your sex toys from the bed.
- When you’re helping your dad in the garden and he says "Get me the hoe," you shouldn’t call your mom over.
- No matter how well you think you know your own bathroom, always pee with the lights on. Memory alone can’t tell you whether the cover is up or down.
- Always, always, check identity before grabbing your "girlfriend’s" ass from behind. You might get a hand full of a body builder’s 34 year old wife. If you do, immediately yelling "OMG, I thought you were my 20 year old girlfriend!" can save your life.
- When working at a pet store and cleaning the aquariums, don’t send your boyfriend a text on your break telling him how soaking wet you are. He’ll just pick you up from work with expectations.
- When telling your mother-in-law that you and your wife are expecting triplets, never say "I’m so excited for our little threesome!"
- When trying to do the helpful thing by cleaning up a dead squirrel you found on the road, always use a shovel, not your bare hands. Just because the squirrel looks dead doesn’t mean it is.
- If you find an unknown bra in your laundry, under no circumstances ask your girlfriend if it might be hers…
- Try to remember the major events in your friends’ lives, even those you don’t see often. Otherwise you risk asking your old pal how her fiance is doing, and being informed that he is, in fact, "still dead".
- A fuzzy blanket and a cat may feel very similar when in a dark room. Blankets however, does not have sharp claws.
- Make sure that after you finish a long run, the fence you’re about to lean on isn’t electric. Unless you want know what a heart attack might feel like.
- On a hot summer day never wear a low-cut shirt into a pen full of goats. You see, goats like the taste of sweat, and given the chance, will shove their heads down your shirt and lick between your boobs… in full view of your family
- Don’t use hand sanitizer before you cuff your cigarette to light it… your hand WILL light on fire.
- When the packet says "sprinkle over the chicken" do not roll the drumstick in the spice and give it a complete coating. There is such a thing as too much spice.
- If your bro-in-law separates from his wife and says they are getting a divorce, do not try to make him feel better by saying "You can’t make a housewife out of a whore" because they might get back together, making holidays awkward.
- Make sure not to drop your keys in the little space between the floor and the elevator, it is a long way down.
